The big move

Tomorrow i am moving to Hatfield for the year, i think i might have hyped it up a bit too much because now im having doubts and am thinking it probably wont be as good as im hoping it will be, which is slightly depressing.

Oh well i wont know until it happens! Bring on tomorrow!

Sleep?

Good morning! Today is day 4 (i think) of my lack of sleep insomnia thing and i think i have got to a stage that im so tired im actually going slightly crazy, its not complete sleep deprevation im getting about 2 hours and then i start having seriously awful nightmares which wake me up (thats pretty unusual in itsself im used to screaming / sleepwalking through bad dreams) and then i wake up ready to be sick. Needless to say im a little tired and ive had to check through what im writing about ten times because the spelling and probably comprehension is terrible.
Anyway im sitting at the computer because there isnt a whole lot else to do in the middle of the night when everybody else is asleep and im playing minesweeper (you know? its one of those little games that are on every computer) I'm not quite sure what it is about minesweeper, maybe its the strange little yellow smiley face that looks a bit worried when you click on a potential mine or the fact that its about mines but i think that game is hilarious. Maybe its just me but sometimes i feel a bit guilty when i click the wrong button and blow all the mines up, i guess because im secretly imagining that im really on the bomb squad and they have told me 'Sophie there are 99 mines out there somewhere, you're our best agent, go stop them before they blow up he village' and then the villagers are like 'yay!' Is that just me? how about when you win and the little yellow smiley face puts on his shades? isnt that just your motivation for playing the game?? *yawn* don't laugh at me im very tired ....

Woo Hoo!!!

Yay! Finally finally finally my YENA report (im guessing that stands for something like Year Exchange in North America) is complete! and has been handed in at the C.P. Snow reception, i have the receipt to prove it and everything, its amazing how wonderfully happy this one little piece of paper can make you, its almost as great a feeling as my G.C.S.E. (general certificate of secondary education) grade paper made me, maybe not quite that high .... but its up there. I have to say though, i would have put it up here for everyone to read but it was the biggest load of nonsense ever, i mean its very well written (i wouldn't have given it in if it wasn't) and the context is there, basically i made the best of what they asked, but what they were asking was the most boring load of drival, its supposed to make me gain some kind of realisation of the skills i have developed through the experience and give a clear opportunity for reflection and review but they gave me a outline with 'helpful' guidance notes which basically said we don't want you to write about any personal experiences, just tell us what Hertfordshire is doing well and how it compares to other uni's, how are you supposed to do that without intergrating your personal experiences?!!? Maybe its just the scientist in me coming through but how can you make a statement of comparison without giving some evidence to back it up? and i had to make this into 2,500 words .... craziness

Anyway enough of a rant, as strange as it sounds it felt fantastic driving into Hatfield, one of those coming home feelings where you cant help but let out a sigh of relief and relax a little bit. Im excited about monday, seeing Liam and Barry again, having space to have things out of a suitcase, extreme jenga, Liams cooking ....
I think you can tell im grinning

Christmas

Well i guess things have been decided! I'm spending Christmas at Christens place this year!! There were two clauses that i had to sort out before i could book any flights/ say for certain that i was coming,
1. Are there any flights at the times i have off that werent really expensive
2. More importantly, i had to tell my mum and check she was okay with it.

Well number one was looked into ages ago, i'd been putting off the second one until last night but she was in an unusually good mood so i just went for it and after an initial 'oh' which seemed ominous she was okay with it, think the phrase was 'if thats what you want to do, i guess one of you has to start it off, thought it would have been Amy though' she was refering to not being there on Christmas morning ... even though Amy lives in her own place a good hour and a half away she always comes back and stays at my mums house over Christmas, making Alices room even more full.

Well i guess i better book some flights ....

Im too tired to think up a title ...

This week has been LONG, and so exhausting, i bearly have the energy to write a blog, and its not even over yet, tomorrow im looking after the twins and then im working saturday, sunday and bank holiday monday,

eurgh!

Gareth

I've just had an extremely distressing conversation with Gareth, and its been such a good sunday as well, which almost never happens. I really dont get the idea of closure, i wonder if its just a way for people with obsessive compulsive disorder to continually bring up really painful situations with people who dont want to discuss them. And why does this conversation have to happen anyway??? why would you need to know how things ended from my point of view when you were the one doing the dumping?? doesnt that sound ridiculous???? I realise unblocking him from facebook may not have been the best idea in the world but it was really on my mind to do, i dont like unfriending someone, it seems really unnecessarily cruel and i really really aspire to be a nice person. So why would you bring this up again? its been almost a whole year, thats a long time and im okay with what happend now, im actually thankful that it happend, so why is it painful to have to talk about it again? doesnt that suck? how am i getting blamed for something that really wasnt my fault? How do you show Jesus in this situation?

God?? God???? I can't hear you you're gonna have to speak a bit louder!

Do you ever lay in bed at night wondering things? Sometimes its more of a prayer like 'why on earth am i still here??' or 'why why why did i do that??' or sometimes its a bit more complex like 'why does the Bible have the geneology of Jesus at the beginning of Matthew if really his Gods son, is it just to try to show he was a Jew or am i missing something?'

Or sometimes things come up when im praying like '.... i think i love you, but im not really sure what love means, i read this thing where it said - love is a decision, a decision to invest in another person's life, to help them get the best out of everything, to give them time, energy and compassion; a decision to stick with them though the tough spots, to learn to say im sorry and start again - so, i know you love me, and i know i love other people, but im not sure if i always do that for you, so is it wrong of me to say i love you?' This tends to go on a while, i rarely say Amen anymore because normally ill be talking and digressing and wanting to know so much stuff that prayer gones on a long time and i just fall asleep. Which actually reminds me of something, theres something about psalms 69 that stuck a chord, im not sure what, usually i find reading the King James Bible pretty hard going, its like i know kinda what there getting at but most of its over my head and i end up switching Bibles halfway through, but this was like my prayers, im drowning God save me and help me but can you do it a bit speedily please? because sometimes i wonder if it takes a while for my prayers to get through, its like im using dial up connection and everyone else has broadband, ill pray and things will be really really bad and i could do with some help sharpish but itll go on like that for another couple of days and then BAM its all sorted out, God to the rescue, and im sitting there wondering how i could possibly forsee the future and start praying two days before things actually get bad so i can get a little help straight away.