Sunday

Explain this, yesterday was good - my aunt was spontaneously taking Alfie and Gracie to my nans house to give Claire and Liam a rest, my mum was going round there to help look after them, Alice needed to get new tap shoes but it was raining and she wasnt sure where the shop was, i knew so i drove her there, we headed to my nans on the way back and played with Alfie and Gracie, at some point Nick, Kerry, the twins and max came round too so it was a little chaotic but i felt okay, i felt good, it was nice being around people and Alfie loves having someone who will play crazily with him and Gracie stopped crying when i held her, i love having a little snuggly baby falling asleep on you. Auntie came round for dinner and i cooked and it was all good. Friday was okay too, i forced myself to walk in the morning and sorted somethings out later on and Karen and Kayleigh came round in the evening and we went out to eat and it was great, i was actually surprised i was okay with going out. But today .... hmmm i didnt sleep well, but thats not the reason, i didnt sleep well the other days either. I wasted the morning playing a game on my ipod but i felt like i had to do it, repeative games .... are calming, you just focus on the task at hand, you dont have to think, i offered to wash my mums car but by the time i was ready there was a big black cloud and i figured it was going to rain so i told mum that but i think she thought i was just being lazy, i wasnt, it started rain just after so it would have been pointless doing it then, i think i bashed my mums arm when i sat down because she was all ignoring me and it seems like its more painful to go back down to a low from a bigger height, im now in my room, im so low i can hardly move, i feel like there should be some pattern to this so i can stop it happening but i dont think there is, just when i get to a point where i can cope with living it goes again, im not actually sure if this isnt just how its normal to feel, maybe this is just how life is and i need to suck it up and get on with it or get out of the race.

Thursday

My mum has an untidy stack of Good Housekeeping magazines on a table overloaded with junk, there's an irony there somewhere. The plant Naomi gave me for Christmas is in bloom, it's lovely, low maintenance, which is a good thing or it wouldn't be here right now, the tiny pots of basil in my room have started to poke their heads through the soil too, with that and the daffodils i guess its spring. I haven't written for so long because i've been hibernating, i've been so tired for the past week i've only struggled out of bed for 8 hours max a day, it's been dark and gloomy so i guess the weather was on my side. Julia thinks its okay to hibernate, she says its things catching up on me, and i'm in a deep sleep now, the doctor thinks i'm lazy, she said i need to exercise and see people, i don't think she understands, can she honestly think thats not what i want to be doing? When i see people it takes so much energy that it completely drains me and i fall asleep, exercise is fine but as soon as i stop theres like a backlog that needs to be repaid and i go into this coma for even longer. I'm not used to not doing anything, i'm normally so busy that i don't have time to think, maybe thats the problem, distraction. I don't want to be here. Because i'm sleeping so much i have lots of dreams, vivid ones, scary ones, they don't seem to be related to my day at all, i guess its better than waking up every five minutes like before, just means i'm missing life. A few days ago i was screaming that i hated my dad to his face, that never happened, it was just a dream but i don't normally dream about him, or when i do it's like my dreams don't realise his been gone for quite a while now, like he is just here with mum like it always used to be and life is going on normally, i guess thats denile, apparently i've been in this stage for 7 years without realising it, i thought i was at acceptance as soon as it happened. I dreamt last night that i was in America, i don't remember the reason why, but not in Kansas, somewhere on the eastern side, and i'd been there a while and thought oh i should probably let Weston know, maybe i could see him, that's how i feel at the moment, i should let Weston know, i should do a lot of things.

Friday

So i guess this is the situation at the moment, i'm taking a break from uni, i'm supposed to go back in November, i don't have a place to live in November but i'm supposed to go back then, i'm unemployed, i've applied to claim benefits because i have a ton of debt that needs paying off but i'm not able to work, leaving the house is painful i really have to force myself to do it, staying indoors all day is painful, i want to get out doors and get my old life back, but i'm not too sure where its hiding. I'm still pushing people away, but less so, i have bouts and spurts where i have energy and wish i was around people but realise i must look quite a state at the moment and don't really want people to see me like this. I want to go running, i don't know why, i hate running, i get out of breath so quickly but it seems so appealing right now, i want to wake up at 4am and run but i go to bed at 10pm and have trouble pulling myself back out of it at 10am. I don't want to run during the day because i don't want to meet people, i'm ashamed to be back here, i'm ashamed to be in this state, but this is what its come to. I think i'm putting on weight but i don't know for sure, i've never weighed myself and have no reason to start now, but i have exercised in weeks and just about manage to feed myself even though i never feel hungry, i know i must be. I feel guilty from the moment i wake up till exhaustion lets me sleep, i feel guilty that i'm a burden on my mum, that i'm not out earning my own money and looking after myself, that people are worried about me, that i'm causing people distress, that i'm not good enough. I feel guilty that i'm not living up to my families expectations, even more that i'm not living up to God's .... though i'm not sure he exists right now, and more than that mine. I know i expect to much of myself and in doing that i set myself up for failure but whats the point in aiming low? I want to be the best that i can be, but i never achieve it, and knowing that makes me depressed. I miss my dad, i think about him more lately, i assume thats why i'm down, but i don't know for sure, i don't really know the reason. I'm living my life thinking - things will be better when .... but they never are, things are best when i'm looking forward to something, they never live up to my expectations. I think about dying a lot, i wonder if taking all of my pills at the same time would kill me but suspect it wouldn't, i'm sure i would throw them up before they did any serious harm, why would a doctor give a months worth of pills to someone they know is suicidal? I don't really want to do that but its reassuring that its an option, like i have some control left at least, if things got really bad then thats always there. I feel like a failure, people keep telling me i'm not and reminding me of the things i've done but it doesn't matter what people say, i'm not really listening anyway, i'm not the person i want to be. I haven't been happy in so long that i can't remember what it feels like. I'm living but ... i'm just getting through life, i'm plodding along it, i want to be doing backflips along it, enjoying every second, or at least one. Today is a 'one' day, a duvet day as my counsellor calls it, i'm glad i'm alone on one days but i'm not sure it's safe for me to be. I find it much easier to remember to take my pill on one days, i don't know that taking it helps but counting down the hours till i take it gives me hope that tomorrow wont be the same. I want to be busy, i want to be distracted, but i don't have the energy to do anything and i've been distracting myself for so long that i haven't dealt with the underlying cause here, i'm just putting it off and now i can't walk with the weight of it all any longer. I haven't spoken to Weston in so long, i feel so guilty for that, i know i'm making him upset but i can't face it, this just isn't real life, this is a strange little bubble of nothingness.

Monday

Today i cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. I needed something to distract my mind, to focus my energy on, i need to feel exhausted at the end of the day, thats how i know the day is finished, days where i don't feel exhausted have been wasted in my opinion. I cleaned things that no one ever bothers to clean, but that i notice are dirty, this is why i know no one will notice that i have been cleaning all day, i don't need the recognition, i just need to distract my mind. I had a internal list of things i could do today to keep myself busy but now i sit down to take a break i don't feel satistfied with what i've done, however much i do it wont ever be enough so make me feel satistfied, and it seemed quite clear at t he start of the day that doing this would. I think this is the same with how i feel about my life, i am thinking - i'll be happy once i've done this thing and once i've achieved this, then i'll feel good and satisfied with myself. But i sit down and look back on what i've done and realise that none of it made me feel happy, it didn't bring the satisfaction i thought it would, it just provided me with a distraction so i was okay for that small bit of life and ultimately it made me realise more things i had to do in order for me to feel okay about things. You don't realise how much there is to clean until you start doing it, then you notice 50 other things that need doing, thats what i feel like with life - i didn't realise that i needed to improve this thing until i started doing stuff and that wasn't factored into the bigger plan of how things were going to go. But its made me realise, i dont actually know how to be happy, i dont know what makes me happy and when im told to think of a happy time and take myself back to then .... i dont have one, and im not totally sure that thats just because i cant think of one right now because of the way im feeling, im not sure ive had one, how can i work my way towards something ive no experience of? I feel like there is this cycle of negativity, ive learnt to view things negatively with this sarcastic nature and i cant pull myself out of it so now i cant see the positive anymore, and im really scared i would pass this on to any kids i had, i've always wanted kids, lots of them, but i just couldnt be the reason someone felt like this. You have to wonder whats the point of a life thats just plodding along in this 'its just about okay' level of things, needing a million distractions in order to ward off something worse.

Saturday

Yesterday was a better day, today is not. Yesterday i drove to Cardiff and moved out of my house, i took all my books back to the library and went to see Sue to give her the doctors stuff, i accomplished something. Today i got up late and just started sorting out this room, i'm moving into Eliots old room because there is more space, its disgusting though so it needs a lot of cleaning before i can move anything in here. I was just starting to feel positive about it, about to get the hoover, ignoring the bigger implications of moving back in here, how i would feel once the mission of having something to do was over and my mum comes in and says we need to move the other wardrobe in here, Eliot will need more space than just the little room when he comes back at Easter. Mainly this upset me because it made me realise that i'm not in control of my own life anymore, i can't make my own decisions without them going through my mum or my counsellor first but it also got to me because i was never given lots of space when i came back during holidays, all of my stuff had to be packed up and stored under the bed so it wasn't taken and put in someones loft. Why did this topic have to be brought up now? What was the benefit in that? I already feel like i don't want to be here, i just wanted to create my own little space that i could have some control over, that i could keep nice and would be my resonsibility and no one else could interfere with but now it seems like ill be chucked out of it again as soon as Eliot comes back from uni, i don't want to be here so badly and now i've lost all motivation for my little project, i'm at a new level of low, i really thought that having my own space to be me and to be alone would make things better but .... it wont, there really isnt any solution to this, so whats the point?

Thursday

I think i only know the day of the week because i am writing it at the top of these posts, i guess i've become slightly out of touch with the real world. I got a message from Weston earlier apologising again for all of this, even though none of this is his fault and doesnt really have anything to do with him at all i guess, although i can see why he may think so, the timing was coincidental. It was more of an explosive compaction of assuming everything would be okay if i could just make it to Christmas, everything would be alright once i got to Christmas, but then i felt the same at Christmas and after Christmas it was worse ... there wasn't any deadline anymore, just, realife. Perhaps you can look forward to something too much, but it wasn't that either, it was resting all happiness on that moment.
My mum took me to see Julia the counsellor on Tuesday, i don't know if it helped, she said grief has 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I'm not sure if this is just bull or whether i actually haven't started to grieve at all because i haven't been through any of these, somehow i seem to be at depression now having skipped a few steps even though i thought i was at acceptance a long time ago, how can it have taken me this long to start to grieve??
This doesn't seem like a very nice thing to be writing on here but the whole point of this thing is to get this stuff out so i'm not thinking them anymore so if reading any of this makes you upset then stop reading,
i'm still in this 'nothings working yet' stage of things, because - nothings working yet, i'm taking the drugs as they suggested and doing this counselling thing and all that jazz but i don't feel any different, i'm not at uni anymore so i don't feel like i'm going to have a heart attack every 5 seconds but i feel exactly the same, i can't see an end to this, its like i'm in a tunnel and the tunnel is life and its completely dark and you used to be able to see what was going on ahead a bit but its totally black now and i'm just stumbling along not knowing what's going on, i lie in bed each night and wish that i was dead, life is actually too painful to cope with and the thought of the future is even worse. Most people say that taking these drugs help them feel better about things, more able to cope with life and stuff ... they may as well be vitamin c tablets because nothings happend. Something has to change soon, i can't live life feeling like this

Wednesday

I don't really understand what's happened to me lately, if my brain were a computer the only way to describe it to the computer tech would be "i was trying to multi task a bit and i think it overloaded and now its refusing to work" to which the computer tech would ask how many things i was trying to cope with at one time and i would have to answer "Oh not many, i had 42 things running in the background, and was working on these 11 documents whilst looking at these sites ... yes i guess i do have quite a few tabs open, would you call 92 a lot? Oh and norton was scanning ... maybe its a problem with norton?". So i guess its not surprising. I think i need somewhere to mentally splurge all of the things buzzing around in my head, i guess this works better than a diary because when people ask me whats going on i can direct them to here .... its a bit awkward handing someone a diary and saying "here, get yourself up to speed"
This is probably going to be very 'I' centered, which i hate but ... maybe thats what i need right now, stop worrying about everything else and focus on me.
I haven't slept in at least a week, i've actually lost count of the days, well, when i say i haven't slept, obviously i'd be dead if i hadn't actually slept in that long, i haven't had a good nights sleep i should say, i haven't felt well rested, and i haven't been able to relax, although i don't think i've been able to relax in a long time, i'm not even totally sure i know how to relax, that seems like quite a basic thing to be able to do, how did i not learn this when i was a child? Right between learning to talk and learning to read - these two events where actually quite close together for me, there is still debate about whether my sister who is 18 months younger than me may have helped teach me to talk.
I go to bed at between 10 and 11pm, i lay there thinking for an hour or two, then i drift into this turbulant uncomfortable state, i wake up every hour and move about a bit, my pillow has never travelled so much, before this i was dreaming a lot, horrible, terrifying dreams but i was dreaming, now i am now asleep long enough to dream, at 4am i start to feel too hot, theres no reason for this, the heating isn't on and its still winter but after that i don't sleep, i lay there with my eyes shut willing myself to but i don't.
All of this takes up quite a lot of energy, when day finally arrives i'm exhausted already, making myself walk downstairs is a marathon, yet everyone, including myself, thinks i'm lazy, i berate myself for only accomplishing walking downstairs and getting washed in a day but i don't know how i managed to do this all in twenty minutes in the past. I've watched the family of birds in the bush outside of the window for an hour now, i can't focus on it, my mind phases in and out.
In the middle of all of this my friends keep asking how i'm doing, i takes about a week for me to get back to them, i'm normally totally on top of stuff like that, its easier to push people away, its not something i can deal with right now, but not hearing from them would make me feel more lonely, i think i'm waiting for them to give up, like those little wind up cars that you push backwards and they go towards you, but you get to a point where you push them too far away and they don't come back anymore.