Sunday

Explain this, yesterday was good - my aunt was spontaneously taking Alfie and Gracie to my nans house to give Claire and Liam a rest, my mum was going round there to help look after them, Alice needed to get new tap shoes but it was raining and she wasnt sure where the shop was, i knew so i drove her there, we headed to my nans on the way back and played with Alfie and Gracie, at some point Nick, Kerry, the twins and max came round too so it was a little chaotic but i felt okay, i felt good, it was nice being around people and Alfie loves having someone who will play crazily with him and Gracie stopped crying when i held her, i love having a little snuggly baby falling asleep on you. Auntie came round for dinner and i cooked and it was all good. Friday was okay too, i forced myself to walk in the morning and sorted somethings out later on and Karen and Kayleigh came round in the evening and we went out to eat and it was great, i was actually surprised i was okay with going out. But today .... hmmm i didnt sleep well, but thats not the reason, i didnt sleep well the other days either. I wasted the morning playing a game on my ipod but i felt like i had to do it, repeative games .... are calming, you just focus on the task at hand, you dont have to think, i offered to wash my mums car but by the time i was ready there was a big black cloud and i figured it was going to rain so i told mum that but i think she thought i was just being lazy, i wasnt, it started rain just after so it would have been pointless doing it then, i think i bashed my mums arm when i sat down because she was all ignoring me and it seems like its more painful to go back down to a low from a bigger height, im now in my room, im so low i can hardly move, i feel like there should be some pattern to this so i can stop it happening but i dont think there is, just when i get to a point where i can cope with living it goes again, im not actually sure if this isnt just how its normal to feel, maybe this is just how life is and i need to suck it up and get on with it or get out of the race.