My eyes arent always on Jesus, sometimes i forget about Him altogether, things get in the way and i constantly go back to my old way of dealing with things .... that doesnt work but i feel like there should be comfort in going back to it, even though there isnt. Im not good at change although i would like to change this. Most of the time i feel down but i think i only feel time when i am down, happy moments fly by way too fast. Im never smart enough, but ive stopped caring, sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. When im depressed i become even more introverted and im pretty sure people interpret that as me being cold or mean or angry at them, which makes them cold, mean and angry towards me, which makes me more depressed. Sometimes i lay and watch the ceiling for hours, i sleep a lot, i have no clue what my purpose in life is but im pretty sure im not reaching it, in fact im probably making things harder for me to attain my goals. I have strong opinions but im scared of other peoples reactions so i rarely voice them, i dont like being a sheep but sometimes life is easier that way. I hate cowardice but i am the biggest coward there is, so yes, i guess i hate myself, does it make you feel better that even though i dislike you i dislike myself to a greater extent? Probably not, hate is such a personal thing that if somebody hates you it really matters very little if they hate someone else at the same time, that has little relevance to your existance, survival of the fittest - reasonate a trait that causes you to live longer and reproduce more and it will hang around longer, being 'likable' should stop you getting eaten by your own people, being hated by somebody would not be a good thing yet knowing somebody else is hated may only increase your chances of survival. I sometimes have dark dreams, ive been having them a lot recently, which causes me to wake up in the night a lot, which causes me to be grouchy in the morning, last night i was running from an angry old lady who bit my arm and took a chunk of flesh out of me she then sunk her teeth into my leg until the blood drained out of me and i passed out, i woke up and for a moment thought i was dead but realised death looked a lot like Hilarys spare room, im not sure why i wasnt happy when i realised. Its strange that happiness and a lack of it arent things that you can switch on and off, when someone says 'snap out of it' you cant just decide not to be sad anymore, its just a thing that is, you can change your circumstances but that often doesnt change the bigger picture, yet happiness is as contagious as a yawn and unfortunately so is unhappiness. When you hear other people say these things do you think 'ill pray for them' and maybe you will and maybe you will forget to, are you also thinking .... im glad thats not me.

The Bible - a good read!!

I didn't really intend to be on Hilary's laptop at 6.40am on a Monday morning, I intended to be sleeping ...

I've been reading the Bible .... properly reading it, not just reading the verses that comfort me on specific topics, reading it front to back, i gave my life to Christ like a year and a half ago now and im only just getting round to actually reading the Bible ... im a bad person, i know that, but there are a lot of bad people in the Bible (even if im only just now finding out) it seems like God intentionally uses us lot that constantly fall short to do stuff to glorify Himself (i guess because then its obvious its Him, how could it have possibly been this incompetent fool?!) maybe its because everyone falls short so He has no 'great' people to work with so doesnt have a choice? Whatever the case is im glad im a part of it, im realising that God uses me to affect the lives of other people when i do small and seemingly insignificant things that He asks me to do. This shouldnt be a surprise, it happens throughout the Bible (well as far as ive read up to anyway!) The way things go seems to be this - God says 'do this' the people / person says 'but ....' then either do it or dont do it ... good things happen when they do it, so the question is - why do we still question Him? why do we still not / even think of not doing it? surely past experience / other peoples experiences should show us that this is the only way to be doing things? yet i am constantly saying 'umm God im not sure i want to be doing that, i have this other plan ... i think im going to do that instead' first off, this statement struck me as being ridiculous the moment i wrote it down, Im saying to GOD that my plans are better than His ..... that just proves how dumb i am compared to Him. Second off, it seems im not alone, not even just in this generation of people that we recognise are screwing things up at the moment, not even just the last couple of generations, all generations have had doubts, the Bible is pretty much built on people that were totally inadequate (in our eyes at least) people you wouldnt pick in a million years to do that task, people that werent holy, didnt even have to know God at the time of said event happening, didnt have to know a whole lot about Him if they knew anything and when asked to 'go!' reply '.... but ....'. Thats why the Bible is so relevant, even now, God is still asking us to do things for Him glory, and we are still doing bad things and questioning Him, i can relate to these people, i can relate to Moses when he said that he wasnt the best person to be talking to the big boss of Egypt because he stammered and he had doubts over his own abilities, of course he did, God wouldnt have pick Him if he could actually have done that task without Gods help would He!!! That would be pointless, every thing that happens seems to go right back to this point 'its God doing it and people who witness this need to be in no doubt that this is Gods work, not anybody elses'

A couple of other things have stood out to me so far (i only just finished reading Ruth so ill update you with anything new that strikes me as soon as Jesus enters the picture!)
God really cares about every detail of our lives, theres like a whole book with specific instructions of how you should live, not just the ten commandments but a whole ton of other stuff too and then some pretty specific instructions of how these things should be built and how these offerings should be made, it seems like God cares about it all
Like i wrote before - God isnt just using those people who were born into the right family, he uses the foreigners too, everyone can be used it doesnt matter if you grew up in the faith of not and it seems like those 'foreigners' are more willing to do what God says ... they just do it, they dont question as much, which is strange because ... they dont know about God ... yet they know it is Him and they know they should do what He says .... seems like the nonforeigners should know this so much more. Which i reckon is why people accept God when they do see Him, it totally goes against all reasoning to do it but you just have to ... you cant not.
And also God uses the little people to accomplish big things, sometimes i feel like Ruth, ive gone to a new place and taken the God of Israel as my God and im just milling along doing what i do, not thinking that God is using my footsteps in anything His doing. But then you get to the end of the book and it says Ruth had a child and youre like aww good on her and then you look down at the generations that result from this and you think wait ... if it hadnt have been for Ruth then there wouldnt have been a David?? There wouldnt have been all the generations that came from that??? there wouldnt have been all of this future awesomeness that was to come? OH geez! She wasnt just this insignificant person who was just doing what she was doing ... she had a crucial role ... but she was just doing it.

Well im sure i had more things that were whirling about in my head but i need to start writing them down because so many things strike me when im in the moment, so much realisation but i dont always remember it all afterwards - kinda like the people of Israel i guess ... they got told not to build idols and stuff but they didnt remember it ....

Thanks for reading, feedback welcome!

Money, Money, Money?

What would be the most awesome thing ever? What would make you happy? Are the answers to these questions the same or are they not even connected?
I know a lot of people wont agree with me but most of the time the things that make me happy are free or cost very little but then i dont really care about posessions, i pretty much just own what i need (I'm okay with being abnormal). Somebody buying me a pair of brightly coloured socks will cheer me up whenever i see them, so has the potential to provide years worth of happiness, an expensive pair of shoes probably wont get worn for fear of ruining them and the fact that they wont get worn (which is really the essence of their being) saddens me. Planting a seed and watching it grow provides all of the same excitement i got when i grew cress seeds in a yoghurt pot when i was four, paying somebody else to maintain our garden, although providing someone with an income, brings me little joy. Spending hours making somebody a birthday present, which not only shows them how much i care about them as a person aswell as being able to make it personal to them whilst putting a little bit of my soul into it, although it takes more time, enery and effort brings me so much more happiness than buying someone something. Christs love is free to anybody that wants it, the ultimate gift - salvation is free. Which brings me to the conclusion that truly the best things in life are free, but perhaps only in monetary value. Putting time and effort, energy and love, commitment and dedication into someting brings you more happiness than putting money into something does, when you put all of these things into my seed you get a beautiful tomato plant that you feel proud of whenever you make soup from the fruits (literally) of your labour, putting these things into your homemade present (whether its for a birthday or 'just because') makes your feel rewarded at the end, putting all of these things into your journey with God reaps its own rewards. Perhaps a 'spending spree' should be to spend your time on something worthwhile, 'giving to charity' should be giving your time to a worthwhile cause. I'd have swapped 'pocket money' for some one on one time with my parents any day of the week. There are so many better gifts than money.