My eyes arent always on Jesus, sometimes i forget about Him altogether, things get in the way and i constantly go back to my old way of dealing with things .... that doesnt work but i feel like there should be comfort in going back to it, even though there isnt. Im not good at change although i would like to change this. Most of the time i feel down but i think i only feel time when i am down, happy moments fly by way too fast. Im never smart enough, but ive stopped caring, sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. When im depressed i become even more introverted and im pretty sure people interpret that as me being cold or mean or angry at them, which makes them cold, mean and angry towards me, which makes me more depressed. Sometimes i lay and watch the ceiling for hours, i sleep a lot, i have no clue what my purpose in life is but im pretty sure im not reaching it, in fact im probably making things harder for me to attain my goals. I have strong opinions but im scared of other peoples reactions so i rarely voice them, i dont like being a sheep but sometimes life is easier that way. I hate cowardice but i am the biggest coward there is, so yes, i guess i hate myself, does it make you feel better that even though i dislike you i dislike myself to a greater extent? Probably not, hate is such a personal thing that if somebody hates you it really matters very little if they hate someone else at the same time, that has little relevance to your existance, survival of the fittest - reasonate a trait that causes you to live longer and reproduce more and it will hang around longer, being 'likable' should stop you getting eaten by your own people, being hated by somebody would not be a good thing yet knowing somebody else is hated may only increase your chances of survival. I sometimes have dark dreams, ive been having them a lot recently, which causes me to wake up in the night a lot, which causes me to be grouchy in the morning, last night i was running from an angry old lady who bit my arm and took a chunk of flesh out of me she then sunk her teeth into my leg until the blood drained out of me and i passed out, i woke up and for a moment thought i was dead but realised death looked a lot like Hilarys spare room, im not sure why i wasnt happy when i realised. Its strange that happiness and a lack of it arent things that you can switch on and off, when someone says 'snap out of it' you cant just decide not to be sad anymore, its just a thing that is, you can change your circumstances but that often doesnt change the bigger picture, yet happiness is as contagious as a yawn and unfortunately so is unhappiness. When you hear other people say these things do you think 'ill pray for them' and maybe you will and maybe you will forget to, are you also thinking .... im glad thats not me.