Can you 'take a break' from God?
This week has been tremendously busy, so was the week before, i think next week will be even worse. Theres hardly enough time to do all the stuff i need to do let alone anything else (you know the luxuries like .... eating .... sleeping etc etc). Im kinda falling behind in certain things id like to be doing, not really spending as much time as id like with God, because, well, when im finally done for the day im pooped! i just want to fall into bed and sleep, its really hard to pray and worship and study my bible, theres just not the time in the day. I was like two days behind on my bible study and found myself saying everynight "its okay ill make it up tomorrow, ill make time for it" But should i have to 'make time' for God? I want to put my full energy into it, not make a half hearted attempt (if you dont know me too well i put my whole heart into EVERYTHING i do, it might be a hinderance in some cases but its the only way i can do things) I felt like whats the point in doing this if im not going to do it properly? Im not doing justice to anyone. So i decided to take a break from God for the week. I didnt do the bible study, i didnt read my bible, i listened to regular music (the few times i had time to) instead of worship music, didnt go to church or house group, i still prayed .... because its kinda hard to go cold turkey on God.
I guess its a relationship thing, like Gods your other half and you've said, you need to be away from everything for a while until everything is sorted (but you dont really want to lose contact so you still phone each other), i always thought this is what would happen in the final year with Gareth, id have to totally ignore him for a few months so id have time to get things done, turns out i wouldnt need to. Anyway, i took a break from God, and i got some stuff done, not as much as id have liked but so is life. Funny thing is God didnt really leave me. So maybe i didnt listen to any worship music, but why was i humming it all day long? and why would i wake up with it in my head like it had been in my dream? Okay i wasnt reading my bible daily but bible verses would be everywhere i looked, and not places id put them, strange places that id not noticed before. I wasnt discussing God at Church or with other christians but about 5 times Alec brought up God and we all talked about God, Jesus and the Holy spirit for an hour while i was cooking / eating dinner.
Jon was bugging me one night whilst i was doing yet more multiple alignments whether i was going to go to church the next day and condemning me for thinking about not going (sorry did that sound spiteful?) Thing is i know what he meant and i probably would have said the same thing, but sometimes its not a choice, if i felt like God was telling me to throw my degree away and spend my time worshipping him and doing stuff for him then id be doing it, but i feel like his telling me to put my all into my degree, because im gonna need it in his bigger plan, or by doing it ... theres something bigger to it. Ill be glad when its over so i can get back into my routine.
Even tonight, friday night, my night off, im wondering if i should be doing some work, figuring out how to organise my results or something ....
On a plus note though i had a meeting with Ela earlier and she said i really should be doing my phd in september, she was very impressed with my research and was sure my report was going to be fantastic (no pressure or anything...), i think she thinks im better than i actually am, .... i just prayed over my research .... and it went well, because .... i asked for that to happen. Im hoping she isnt disappointed when ive finished my dissertation and it isnt at the standard shes now used to.
This is the kinda talk that makes my mum mad at me so im going to end there!
Thank you for reading!!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Feelin' rough
Im feeling kinda rough, I guess i have a cold (sneezing, sore throat, constantly blowing my nose, really achey) id really like to be pumped up for the day ahead but its not really like that, im tired and getting out of bed this morning was a really big deal, i have two really important pieces of coursework to do (the essay/ term paper thing and my dissertation/thesis) some people have finished both, which is really disheartening, but i know its down to my own laziness that im not in the same boat, so i guess im just whining. It just takes up a lot of my time, thinking and energy, which id rather spend on other things, i know itll be over with eventually though .... sigh.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Freshers fairs, letting God do the talking and lack of sleep
Its midnight, and i cant sleep because something has been on my mind all day, so im hoping that writting it down will allow me some much needed sleep.
The thing is this - what would happen if we got rid of seats in church?
Not one of lifes questions maybe, so why is it bugging me so much? Theres something about seats that restricts me, it makes things formal, when you sing you hide behind your chair and you dont really move because the rows of seating restrict you, nobody sits on the front row of seats because there is nothing between you and the preacher, theres not that safety barrier. Which made me think of how it would have been, when Jesus was alive and teaching, when he fed all those people with fish and bread and taught them stuff i take it it wasnt in some big hall or church or massive arena designed for the occassion, im thinking it was out in the open? So the people were probably sitting on the ground? At the feet of Jesus? ... So less restrictions, just the crowd around you to get in your way? Which lead me on to this,
why do we try to sell religion/our church to people at the freshers fair? surely this is a terrible way to go about things?
I wonder if this is the reason everyone avoids the christian section of the freshers fair tents - they all seem like religious nuts who are trying to sell you something. Which doesnt quite fit with my thinking. Heres how freshers fairs work - freshers (first years students - newbies) come looking to join something - they are lonely, they want to make friends - joining a club or society will lead them to people with similar interests, second / third year students go for the free stuff, they're most likely not lonely at all but they are extremely poor - hence wanting the free stuff, these people risk the dangerous tables with a quick in and out approach - nick a pen, duck and walk away, if someone collars you into talking to them they most likely give a false name and get away sharpish. Getting second or third years to be interested is less likely. However freshers are what reaching out to people is all about, they WANT new friends, but they dont want to feel like they are being forced to do something, or that you have an agenda, when the people selling them religion talk to them (as is my experience of 4 years of freshers fairs) they are old people who start condemning them/asking them if they are christians/ what they believe/why/take this Bible - take it!!! read and repent!, which is all quite overwhelming, Why dont we let Jesus shine through us, why dont we give up the agenda, if the person finds Christ - wonderful - if they start coming to my church - great, but im just as pleased if they start going to another church - its not mine vs yours, its not about that. Why dont we have a stall at the freshers fair with people there but dont feel the need to have free stuff (its not a selling point anyway - no one remembers who gave them free sweets and who didnt), Salvation is the greatest freebie anyone could recieve, why dont we have people manning the stall but have young people, people who go to the uni, who know what being a fresher is all about out in the mix of people, why dont they just start talking to people, without an agenda, just in the hope that they make a friend, im not saying they should hide that they are a christian - far from it, it should shine through you, but dont go in the hope of converting them, thats Gods work, go in the hope of helping a lonely person have a geniuhe friend, chat with them for a while, invite them out somewhere with a group of you, maybe God will reveal stuff to them through you, but barging into a situation demanding someones views on God, existence and the universe makes people put up barriers against it, starting to go to church is a lot easier to do if you have a friend who goes already taking you along, going by yourself (even if youve been to church before) is incredibly hard, everybody already knows each other, where do you fit in there? Why dont people go out and say "hey, is there anything i can pray with you about?" maybe because everyone would think you're a wierdo and mumble "no thanks" but who knows, have you given it a try?
Okay - bed!
The thing is this - what would happen if we got rid of seats in church?
Not one of lifes questions maybe, so why is it bugging me so much? Theres something about seats that restricts me, it makes things formal, when you sing you hide behind your chair and you dont really move because the rows of seating restrict you, nobody sits on the front row of seats because there is nothing between you and the preacher, theres not that safety barrier. Which made me think of how it would have been, when Jesus was alive and teaching, when he fed all those people with fish and bread and taught them stuff i take it it wasnt in some big hall or church or massive arena designed for the occassion, im thinking it was out in the open? So the people were probably sitting on the ground? At the feet of Jesus? ... So less restrictions, just the crowd around you to get in your way? Which lead me on to this,
why do we try to sell religion/our church to people at the freshers fair? surely this is a terrible way to go about things?
I wonder if this is the reason everyone avoids the christian section of the freshers fair tents - they all seem like religious nuts who are trying to sell you something. Which doesnt quite fit with my thinking. Heres how freshers fairs work - freshers (first years students - newbies) come looking to join something - they are lonely, they want to make friends - joining a club or society will lead them to people with similar interests, second / third year students go for the free stuff, they're most likely not lonely at all but they are extremely poor - hence wanting the free stuff, these people risk the dangerous tables with a quick in and out approach - nick a pen, duck and walk away, if someone collars you into talking to them they most likely give a false name and get away sharpish. Getting second or third years to be interested is less likely. However freshers are what reaching out to people is all about, they WANT new friends, but they dont want to feel like they are being forced to do something, or that you have an agenda, when the people selling them religion talk to them (as is my experience of 4 years of freshers fairs) they are old people who start condemning them/asking them if they are christians/ what they believe/why/take this Bible - take it!!! read and repent!, which is all quite overwhelming, Why dont we let Jesus shine through us, why dont we give up the agenda, if the person finds Christ - wonderful - if they start coming to my church - great, but im just as pleased if they start going to another church - its not mine vs yours, its not about that. Why dont we have a stall at the freshers fair with people there but dont feel the need to have free stuff (its not a selling point anyway - no one remembers who gave them free sweets and who didnt), Salvation is the greatest freebie anyone could recieve, why dont we have people manning the stall but have young people, people who go to the uni, who know what being a fresher is all about out in the mix of people, why dont they just start talking to people, without an agenda, just in the hope that they make a friend, im not saying they should hide that they are a christian - far from it, it should shine through you, but dont go in the hope of converting them, thats Gods work, go in the hope of helping a lonely person have a geniuhe friend, chat with them for a while, invite them out somewhere with a group of you, maybe God will reveal stuff to them through you, but barging into a situation demanding someones views on God, existence and the universe makes people put up barriers against it, starting to go to church is a lot easier to do if you have a friend who goes already taking you along, going by yourself (even if youve been to church before) is incredibly hard, everybody already knows each other, where do you fit in there? Why dont people go out and say "hey, is there anything i can pray with you about?" maybe because everyone would think you're a wierdo and mumble "no thanks" but who knows, have you given it a try?
Okay - bed!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Relying on God
Yesterday was exhausting, i fell into bed at 11pm, i guess it was stress and worry induced exhaustion though more than actual extertion. Yesterday i had to give my seminar and in the evening i went to a house group with the people i met at church. Seminars arent really my thing, presenting information to molecular biology students and the head of Life sciences - blooming scary, its kinda crazy though because when i got there ... i just wasnt scared, im gonna put this down to a lot of prayer, somebody had to go first and i figured, lets get this over and done with, as nobody else wanted to, thats pretty much all i can remember though, there were questions at the end - most of which i could answer .... but its over now and thats quite a heavy load off of my back.
When i plan ahead i hardly ever worry about things that have got something else to worry about happening before that event, its like all my worry can only be directed at one thing. Vicky texted me on monday and invited me to their house group on wednesday evening, it sounded good but im pretty sure i would have made an excuse to get out of it if my seminar hadnt have been on wednesday morning - too much worry was being focused at the seminar and there just wasnt room for any worry about meeting new people or doing something unknown, of course the worry hit home once the seminar was done but it was too late by then also i did spend the afternoon resisting the tremendous urge to text her and say i couldnt go and it was a strong urge, and im glad it happened this way i met some awesome people, friendly and there was a kind of family atmosphere to it, people from different ages hanging out, praising God, i can see why people stay at this church.
I think worry tries to rule a large part of my life, i dont want it to but it tries. Its my thing that i need to rely on God for i guess. Like i could never really relate to people who have such a good relationship with God because they have to rely on Him to over come addictions or things like that because i dont have that problem, its quite easy for me to say "ill never drink again - im doing this for God!" when ive never struggled with that. I really do struggle with worry though, and its excruiatingly painful to do what God tells me to do sometimes, something that other people might find easy - talking to people, mentioning Jesus in front of your friends, doing pretty much anything brings a lot of stress and even though i know i really want to do it there is always this doubting voice telling me the things that could go wrong, even if i know its ridiculous. Worry has held me back from doing a lot of things that i would have loved to do, its a huge burden, when things get really bad i get panic attacks and my heart feels like its going to explode its beating so fast (which makes me worry more because my dad died of a heart attack). So i guess with things that you know you cant humanly do, you have to rely on God to do them on your behalf. I know the Holy spirit was with me through the seminar because its just not physically possible that i could have done that alone, i think certain people were surprised that i didnt have a panic attack in the middle of the talk, i would have been too if i hadnt had faith that God would get me through it, there was no way that He wouldnt, so what is there to worry about?
In the notes section of my powerpoint presentation for the title page i felt God telling me to write "Matthew 6:25-34" - no one sees that bit anyway and i figured it was to remind me to stop worrying and focus on Him (so i did - i didnt get a chance to read that message before i started though so i wondered what the point was) Jacqueline set up the laptop for me and put the presentation on the screen - i guess whilst we were figuring out how to use it the screens showed what came up on our screen because when i sat down Alec said to me "what does Matthew 6 mean?" and i said "its a passage from the bible that reminds me to stop worrying and focus on God" to which he said "oh". I had to pop home later because i realised i had left my Bible at home and i wanted to take it to the house group with me, it was downstairs in the living room, in a different place to where id left it, it made me wonder if God had been opening up an opportunity to draw somebody else to His word.
When i plan ahead i hardly ever worry about things that have got something else to worry about happening before that event, its like all my worry can only be directed at one thing. Vicky texted me on monday and invited me to their house group on wednesday evening, it sounded good but im pretty sure i would have made an excuse to get out of it if my seminar hadnt have been on wednesday morning - too much worry was being focused at the seminar and there just wasnt room for any worry about meeting new people or doing something unknown, of course the worry hit home once the seminar was done but it was too late by then also i did spend the afternoon resisting the tremendous urge to text her and say i couldnt go and it was a strong urge, and im glad it happened this way i met some awesome people, friendly and there was a kind of family atmosphere to it, people from different ages hanging out, praising God, i can see why people stay at this church.
I think worry tries to rule a large part of my life, i dont want it to but it tries. Its my thing that i need to rely on God for i guess. Like i could never really relate to people who have such a good relationship with God because they have to rely on Him to over come addictions or things like that because i dont have that problem, its quite easy for me to say "ill never drink again - im doing this for God!" when ive never struggled with that. I really do struggle with worry though, and its excruiatingly painful to do what God tells me to do sometimes, something that other people might find easy - talking to people, mentioning Jesus in front of your friends, doing pretty much anything brings a lot of stress and even though i know i really want to do it there is always this doubting voice telling me the things that could go wrong, even if i know its ridiculous. Worry has held me back from doing a lot of things that i would have loved to do, its a huge burden, when things get really bad i get panic attacks and my heart feels like its going to explode its beating so fast (which makes me worry more because my dad died of a heart attack). So i guess with things that you know you cant humanly do, you have to rely on God to do them on your behalf. I know the Holy spirit was with me through the seminar because its just not physically possible that i could have done that alone, i think certain people were surprised that i didnt have a panic attack in the middle of the talk, i would have been too if i hadnt had faith that God would get me through it, there was no way that He wouldnt, so what is there to worry about?
In the notes section of my powerpoint presentation for the title page i felt God telling me to write "Matthew 6:25-34" - no one sees that bit anyway and i figured it was to remind me to stop worrying and focus on Him (so i did - i didnt get a chance to read that message before i started though so i wondered what the point was) Jacqueline set up the laptop for me and put the presentation on the screen - i guess whilst we were figuring out how to use it the screens showed what came up on our screen because when i sat down Alec said to me "what does Matthew 6 mean?" and i said "its a passage from the bible that reminds me to stop worrying and focus on God" to which he said "oh". I had to pop home later because i realised i had left my Bible at home and i wanted to take it to the house group with me, it was downstairs in the living room, in a different place to where id left it, it made me wonder if God had been opening up an opportunity to draw somebody else to His word.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Church huh?
This is going to sound quite dumb if you have read the blog post i did a couple of days ago but here goes. Today i went to church, lol, let me explain.
This week it snowed, and uni got closed on and off, Alec and I (and the rest of our class) have been dreading having a certain lecturer since the year began (we are only scheduled to have him for 3 lectures, which is more than enough), last week he called in sick (there was a cheer in the class when we were told), this week classes were cancelled (because of the snow). Now everyone knows these lectures will probably be rescheduled but it was a wonderful time. We were discussing our luck a couple of days ago and Alec (one of my housemates - VERY atheist, really nice guy) said "I really cant believe it, if the third lecture gets cancelled im going to go to church with you, thats enough to prove there is a God". Well im pretty sure he was joking but i told him id take him up on that offer (we'll see what monday brings). That night i started praying for my housemates salvation again, i really want them to know Christs love so badly. Yesterday i felt the most ridiculously strong desire to be at church, now there is a methodist church about half a mile from our house but going there didnt even cross my mind, i really wanted to go to this place i had heard about at the Freshers Fair - Kings Community Church, i tried to go there a couple of times before but i was fairly certain it didnt exist because i just couldnt find it (Hatfields not a huge place), but the need (i wanted to write 'desire' there but it was stronger than that) to go was so strong i had to try, so i timidly asked Liam if he knew where this road was, he reckoned he did and when i told him it was a church he agreed to go to the service with me today (which was pretty awesome in itself). So we did. To be honest with you i was pretty sure we werent going to get there, i didnt even bring my bible because i was so certain, there is ice everywhere and if that hadnt have stopped us well we only knew loosely where it was and i was kinda certain it didnt exist, but we tried anyway, because .... i needed to be there. And .... we found it! 5 minutes to spare, staring at us, a big school building with a big sign outside saying "Kings Community Church" (I wonder if that will make certain people laugh because i prayed for that sign). Well no stopping now, we went in (treading carefully - lots of ice), were greeted by a few people on the door (they looked slightly surprised - i guess because we were new faces) and then lots more (very friendly) people inside (Liam told me on the way home he felt pretty uncomfortable with it all, people being friendly, speaking to you, caring that you were there, the lively music, instruments that werent an organ, its probably a London thing - feeling the need to not talk to anyone and being freaked out when people come inside your comfort zone, but to me it really felt like home). It was awesome. Then we got to the end and the guest speaker was saying that he felt God was telling him to pray for certain people and he reeled off a few things (Im not usually comfortable with this kinda stuff, it feels like the whole psychic thing to me - say a really unspecific thing and wait for someone who has that problem, but suddenly this other guy stands up and says this thing that was really specific to me, it kinda took me aback, he was talking about a problem with your heart but its not really a physical problem its anxiety that you need to deal with, it was way more specific than that but you get the drift, well that kinda knocked my doubt a bit but there was still no way in hell i was getting up to be prayed for - i just dont do that kinda thing - the anxiety problem demonstrates that doesnt it?!!?) two people went up (its a very small church - the snow probably kept a few people at home) and then the guy said 'God needs you to make this step of faith, let people help you, his talking to you for a reason, he brought you here today for a reason', that freaked me out, i figured i better go, i still wasnt comfortable going up to the front though, but i looked around and the guy was at the back, so i went and spoke to him. Obviously by the end i was crying, its been an emotional day (along with that and a lady that was giving her testimony and a vision she'd had the night before). After we left (Liam needed to go food shopping) the most incredible home sickness hit me, and im still feeling it (the crazy thing is ive never felt home sickness really for my actual home - Enfield, ive felt like i missed my family a bit but not really homesick, when i got back to England in August i felt very homesick though, which was silly because i was actually at home, but this is worse than even that, i actually just want to sit here and cry all day - which isnt good because im in the LRC), im not really sure what to do. Im not really sure why i needed to go church this morning, whether it was that id stopped resisting God and trying to do my own thing and finally let Him guide me or what, if so why do i feel so sad now? and i really want to go back next week but i know how incredibly hard that is going to be, even more so because ill have to go on my own.
This was just a long waffle i know
This week it snowed, and uni got closed on and off, Alec and I (and the rest of our class) have been dreading having a certain lecturer since the year began (we are only scheduled to have him for 3 lectures, which is more than enough), last week he called in sick (there was a cheer in the class when we were told), this week classes were cancelled (because of the snow). Now everyone knows these lectures will probably be rescheduled but it was a wonderful time. We were discussing our luck a couple of days ago and Alec (one of my housemates - VERY atheist, really nice guy) said "I really cant believe it, if the third lecture gets cancelled im going to go to church with you, thats enough to prove there is a God". Well im pretty sure he was joking but i told him id take him up on that offer (we'll see what monday brings). That night i started praying for my housemates salvation again, i really want them to know Christs love so badly. Yesterday i felt the most ridiculously strong desire to be at church, now there is a methodist church about half a mile from our house but going there didnt even cross my mind, i really wanted to go to this place i had heard about at the Freshers Fair - Kings Community Church, i tried to go there a couple of times before but i was fairly certain it didnt exist because i just couldnt find it (Hatfields not a huge place), but the need (i wanted to write 'desire' there but it was stronger than that) to go was so strong i had to try, so i timidly asked Liam if he knew where this road was, he reckoned he did and when i told him it was a church he agreed to go to the service with me today (which was pretty awesome in itself). So we did. To be honest with you i was pretty sure we werent going to get there, i didnt even bring my bible because i was so certain, there is ice everywhere and if that hadnt have stopped us well we only knew loosely where it was and i was kinda certain it didnt exist, but we tried anyway, because .... i needed to be there. And .... we found it! 5 minutes to spare, staring at us, a big school building with a big sign outside saying "Kings Community Church" (I wonder if that will make certain people laugh because i prayed for that sign). Well no stopping now, we went in (treading carefully - lots of ice), were greeted by a few people on the door (they looked slightly surprised - i guess because we were new faces) and then lots more (very friendly) people inside (Liam told me on the way home he felt pretty uncomfortable with it all, people being friendly, speaking to you, caring that you were there, the lively music, instruments that werent an organ, its probably a London thing - feeling the need to not talk to anyone and being freaked out when people come inside your comfort zone, but to me it really felt like home). It was awesome. Then we got to the end and the guest speaker was saying that he felt God was telling him to pray for certain people and he reeled off a few things (Im not usually comfortable with this kinda stuff, it feels like the whole psychic thing to me - say a really unspecific thing and wait for someone who has that problem, but suddenly this other guy stands up and says this thing that was really specific to me, it kinda took me aback, he was talking about a problem with your heart but its not really a physical problem its anxiety that you need to deal with, it was way more specific than that but you get the drift, well that kinda knocked my doubt a bit but there was still no way in hell i was getting up to be prayed for - i just dont do that kinda thing - the anxiety problem demonstrates that doesnt it?!!?) two people went up (its a very small church - the snow probably kept a few people at home) and then the guy said 'God needs you to make this step of faith, let people help you, his talking to you for a reason, he brought you here today for a reason', that freaked me out, i figured i better go, i still wasnt comfortable going up to the front though, but i looked around and the guy was at the back, so i went and spoke to him. Obviously by the end i was crying, its been an emotional day (along with that and a lady that was giving her testimony and a vision she'd had the night before). After we left (Liam needed to go food shopping) the most incredible home sickness hit me, and im still feeling it (the crazy thing is ive never felt home sickness really for my actual home - Enfield, ive felt like i missed my family a bit but not really homesick, when i got back to England in August i felt very homesick though, which was silly because i was actually at home, but this is worse than even that, i actually just want to sit here and cry all day - which isnt good because im in the LRC), im not really sure what to do. Im not really sure why i needed to go church this morning, whether it was that id stopped resisting God and trying to do my own thing and finally let Him guide me or what, if so why do i feel so sad now? and i really want to go back next week but i know how incredibly hard that is going to be, even more so because ill have to go on my own.
This was just a long waffle i know
Friday, February 6, 2009
2009/2010
So last night i was thinking about the things i want to do when i graduate (obviously get a job wasnt on there)
This is what i came up with
Go to Australia, go scuba diving in the great barrier reef, travel to Ayers rock etc etc
Start going to the gym (regularly - like every day)
Get a job doing some sort of voluntary work
Start doing an evening class, not sure what in yet but in addition to this start learning a language properly, something unusual - not french, spanish or german
Learn judo (dont ask me why)
Go clay pigeon shooting (just once)
Start training for the marathon (seriously this time)
Do the St Johns award thing
Randomly go to Europe and travel without a plan, see where i end up
Im thinking i might need a job that pays me to complete some of these so - a job, something i enjoy doing, doesnt matter if its hard work
Complete that long list of books i want to read
Learn to play poker (im not sure why i feel the need to know it just bothers me that i dont know)
Formulate some sort of plan of what im going to do with the rest of my life (seems the most unlikely out of the whole list)
Im pretty sure there were more things than this but i cant remember what they were
Oh and finally making my short animation film .... might need some sort of camcorder with still shot frame mode for that though ...
This is what i came up with
Go to Australia, go scuba diving in the great barrier reef, travel to Ayers rock etc etc
Start going to the gym (regularly - like every day)
Get a job doing some sort of voluntary work
Start doing an evening class, not sure what in yet but in addition to this start learning a language properly, something unusual - not french, spanish or german
Learn judo (dont ask me why)
Go clay pigeon shooting (just once)
Start training for the marathon (seriously this time)
Do the St Johns award thing
Randomly go to Europe and travel without a plan, see where i end up
Im thinking i might need a job that pays me to complete some of these so - a job, something i enjoy doing, doesnt matter if its hard work
Complete that long list of books i want to read
Learn to play poker (im not sure why i feel the need to know it just bothers me that i dont know)
Formulate some sort of plan of what im going to do with the rest of my life (seems the most unlikely out of the whole list)
Im pretty sure there were more things than this but i cant remember what they were
Oh and finally making my short animation film .... might need some sort of camcorder with still shot frame mode for that though ...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
"You don't know Much do you!"
Lets get a little bit Socrates here, I know that i don't know, i realise how foolish i am when i claim to know about a subject. However this realisation pushes me to find out. When I "knew" there was no entity called God i had no reason to seek Him, to find out more, to find out if i was right, because i foolishly believed i knew. I realise im playing catch up in this whole thing, i didnt grow up in the church, in Brownies and Guides we Had to go to Church one sunday a month to carry a flag for some unknown reason and then sit through the most boring sermon ever, to sing hymns that sent most of us to sleep and be preached at by a vicar who must have been 105, we all tried to get out of going if we physically could. Amy dragged us all to sunday school for about a year, the people were lovely, and maybe i subconciously learnt something there but i was always very aware that these were all church kids, their parents were in church too, mine werent, they knew the bible stories, i knew Of them, the story of Joseph for example - i could have sung you every song from the musical but ask me who Goliath was and id be lost. I only read about Moses a couple of weeks ago, man that was not how the story had gone in my head, its actually really exciting to read the Bible because i really dont know what is going to happen next, most people have heard the spoilers even if they havent read it, but i havent! Of course im constantly stumbling over things i dont get, "why are you praising His name? wouldnt it make more sense to praise HIM?" So i have to study until i find out that for the Hebrews someones name illustrated who they were as a person and their presence, so it makes more sense. Theres a problem with being able to relate to the situation, most other books i can understand why people are doing certain things because they are like me, they live in a time such as mine, they have similar problems and the same things happen to them. I notice the same problems occuring in places in the Bible but i cant relate to the circumstance, "why are you offended that he didnt wash your feet? Nobody washed my feet when i walked into their house today".
Even the things i was fairly certain i knew, "i Know God wants me to go to Church when i get back to England, that i can be sure of" Now im not so sure of, i want to go to Church but i think God is teaching me to be reliant on Him first, not other people, this probably wont make sense because i cant really explain it because after all going to church is a good thing. Going to Church led me to know Christ afterall but it didnt lead me to seek Him, going to church on Sundays fulfilled my Bible quota for the week, i dont feel the need to read my Bible or pray all that much or try to build a relationship with God because the Pastor takes care of those things on my behalf. The opportunity hasnt arisen for me to attend a church here yet, so i am seeking God by myself and in doing that im building a stronger relationship with Him that wouldnt have happened otherwise. Im studying the Bible instead of just reading it, and the quiet time allows me to get answers from God that i never used to hear in the daytime because there was so much going on, taking an hour each morning to be with God really changes the rest of the day, things used to be so busy that the only time i could hear God was in my sleep, fantastically vivid dreams, but little sleep.
Even the things i was fairly certain i knew, "i Know God wants me to go to Church when i get back to England, that i can be sure of" Now im not so sure of, i want to go to Church but i think God is teaching me to be reliant on Him first, not other people, this probably wont make sense because i cant really explain it because after all going to church is a good thing. Going to Church led me to know Christ afterall but it didnt lead me to seek Him, going to church on Sundays fulfilled my Bible quota for the week, i dont feel the need to read my Bible or pray all that much or try to build a relationship with God because the Pastor takes care of those things on my behalf. The opportunity hasnt arisen for me to attend a church here yet, so i am seeking God by myself and in doing that im building a stronger relationship with Him that wouldnt have happened otherwise. Im studying the Bible instead of just reading it, and the quiet time allows me to get answers from God that i never used to hear in the daytime because there was so much going on, taking an hour each morning to be with God really changes the rest of the day, things used to be so busy that the only time i could hear God was in my sleep, fantastically vivid dreams, but little sleep.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
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