Relying on God

Yesterday was exhausting, i fell into bed at 11pm, i guess it was stress and worry induced exhaustion though more than actual extertion. Yesterday i had to give my seminar and in the evening i went to a house group with the people i met at church. Seminars arent really my thing, presenting information to molecular biology students and the head of Life sciences - blooming scary, its kinda crazy though because when i got there ... i just wasnt scared, im gonna put this down to a lot of prayer, somebody had to go first and i figured, lets get this over and done with, as nobody else wanted to, thats pretty much all i can remember though, there were questions at the end - most of which i could answer .... but its over now and thats quite a heavy load off of my back.

When i plan ahead i hardly ever worry about things that have got something else to worry about happening before that event, its like all my worry can only be directed at one thing. Vicky texted me on monday and invited me to their house group on wednesday evening, it sounded good but im pretty sure i would have made an excuse to get out of it if my seminar hadnt have been on wednesday morning - too much worry was being focused at the seminar and there just wasnt room for any worry about meeting new people or doing something unknown, of course the worry hit home once the seminar was done but it was too late by then also i did spend the afternoon resisting the tremendous urge to text her and say i couldnt go and it was a strong urge, and im glad it happened this way i met some awesome people, friendly and there was a kind of family atmosphere to it, people from different ages hanging out, praising God, i can see why people stay at this church.

I think worry tries to rule a large part of my life, i dont want it to but it tries. Its my thing that i need to rely on God for i guess. Like i could never really relate to people who have such a good relationship with God because they have to rely on Him to over come addictions or things like that because i dont have that problem, its quite easy for me to say "ill never drink again - im doing this for God!" when ive never struggled with that. I really do struggle with worry though, and its excruiatingly painful to do what God tells me to do sometimes, something that other people might find easy - talking to people, mentioning Jesus in front of your friends, doing pretty much anything brings a lot of stress and even though i know i really want to do it there is always this doubting voice telling me the things that could go wrong, even if i know its ridiculous. Worry has held me back from doing a lot of things that i would have loved to do, its a huge burden, when things get really bad i get panic attacks and my heart feels like its going to explode its beating so fast (which makes me worry more because my dad died of a heart attack). So i guess with things that you know you cant humanly do, you have to rely on God to do them on your behalf. I know the Holy spirit was with me through the seminar because its just not physically possible that i could have done that alone, i think certain people were surprised that i didnt have a panic attack in the middle of the talk, i would have been too if i hadnt had faith that God would get me through it, there was no way that He wouldnt, so what is there to worry about?
In the notes section of my powerpoint presentation for the title page i felt God telling me to write "Matthew 6:25-34" - no one sees that bit anyway and i figured it was to remind me to stop worrying and focus on Him (so i did - i didnt get a chance to read that message before i started though so i wondered what the point was) Jacqueline set up the laptop for me and put the presentation on the screen - i guess whilst we were figuring out how to use it the screens showed what came up on our screen because when i sat down Alec said to me "what does Matthew 6 mean?" and i said "its a passage from the bible that reminds me to stop worrying and focus on God" to which he said "oh". I had to pop home later because i realised i had left my Bible at home and i wanted to take it to the house group with me, it was downstairs in the living room, in a different place to where id left it, it made me wonder if God had been opening up an opportunity to draw somebody else to His word.