Thursday

My mum has an untidy stack of Good Housekeeping magazines on a table overloaded with junk, there's an irony there somewhere. The plant Naomi gave me for Christmas is in bloom, it's lovely, low maintenance, which is a good thing or it wouldn't be here right now, the tiny pots of basil in my room have started to poke their heads through the soil too, with that and the daffodils i guess its spring. I haven't written for so long because i've been hibernating, i've been so tired for the past week i've only struggled out of bed for 8 hours max a day, it's been dark and gloomy so i guess the weather was on my side. Julia thinks its okay to hibernate, she says its things catching up on me, and i'm in a deep sleep now, the doctor thinks i'm lazy, she said i need to exercise and see people, i don't think she understands, can she honestly think thats not what i want to be doing? When i see people it takes so much energy that it completely drains me and i fall asleep, exercise is fine but as soon as i stop theres like a backlog that needs to be repaid and i go into this coma for even longer. I'm not used to not doing anything, i'm normally so busy that i don't have time to think, maybe thats the problem, distraction. I don't want to be here. Because i'm sleeping so much i have lots of dreams, vivid ones, scary ones, they don't seem to be related to my day at all, i guess its better than waking up every five minutes like before, just means i'm missing life. A few days ago i was screaming that i hated my dad to his face, that never happened, it was just a dream but i don't normally dream about him, or when i do it's like my dreams don't realise his been gone for quite a while now, like he is just here with mum like it always used to be and life is going on normally, i guess thats denile, apparently i've been in this stage for 7 years without realising it, i thought i was at acceptance as soon as it happened. I dreamt last night that i was in America, i don't remember the reason why, but not in Kansas, somewhere on the eastern side, and i'd been there a while and thought oh i should probably let Weston know, maybe i could see him, that's how i feel at the moment, i should let Weston know, i should do a lot of things.