Monday

Today i cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. I needed something to distract my mind, to focus my energy on, i need to feel exhausted at the end of the day, thats how i know the day is finished, days where i don't feel exhausted have been wasted in my opinion. I cleaned things that no one ever bothers to clean, but that i notice are dirty, this is why i know no one will notice that i have been cleaning all day, i don't need the recognition, i just need to distract my mind. I had a internal list of things i could do today to keep myself busy but now i sit down to take a break i don't feel satistfied with what i've done, however much i do it wont ever be enough so make me feel satistfied, and it seemed quite clear at t he start of the day that doing this would. I think this is the same with how i feel about my life, i am thinking - i'll be happy once i've done this thing and once i've achieved this, then i'll feel good and satisfied with myself. But i sit down and look back on what i've done and realise that none of it made me feel happy, it didn't bring the satisfaction i thought it would, it just provided me with a distraction so i was okay for that small bit of life and ultimately it made me realise more things i had to do in order for me to feel okay about things. You don't realise how much there is to clean until you start doing it, then you notice 50 other things that need doing, thats what i feel like with life - i didn't realise that i needed to improve this thing until i started doing stuff and that wasn't factored into the bigger plan of how things were going to go. But its made me realise, i dont actually know how to be happy, i dont know what makes me happy and when im told to think of a happy time and take myself back to then .... i dont have one, and im not totally sure that thats just because i cant think of one right now because of the way im feeling, im not sure ive had one, how can i work my way towards something ive no experience of? I feel like there is this cycle of negativity, ive learnt to view things negatively with this sarcastic nature and i cant pull myself out of it so now i cant see the positive anymore, and im really scared i would pass this on to any kids i had, i've always wanted kids, lots of them, but i just couldnt be the reason someone felt like this. You have to wonder whats the point of a life thats just plodding along in this 'its just about okay' level of things, needing a million distractions in order to ward off something worse.