Wednesday

I don't really understand what's happened to me lately, if my brain were a computer the only way to describe it to the computer tech would be "i was trying to multi task a bit and i think it overloaded and now its refusing to work" to which the computer tech would ask how many things i was trying to cope with at one time and i would have to answer "Oh not many, i had 42 things running in the background, and was working on these 11 documents whilst looking at these sites ... yes i guess i do have quite a few tabs open, would you call 92 a lot? Oh and norton was scanning ... maybe its a problem with norton?". So i guess its not surprising. I think i need somewhere to mentally splurge all of the things buzzing around in my head, i guess this works better than a diary because when people ask me whats going on i can direct them to here .... its a bit awkward handing someone a diary and saying "here, get yourself up to speed"
This is probably going to be very 'I' centered, which i hate but ... maybe thats what i need right now, stop worrying about everything else and focus on me.
I haven't slept in at least a week, i've actually lost count of the days, well, when i say i haven't slept, obviously i'd be dead if i hadn't actually slept in that long, i haven't had a good nights sleep i should say, i haven't felt well rested, and i haven't been able to relax, although i don't think i've been able to relax in a long time, i'm not even totally sure i know how to relax, that seems like quite a basic thing to be able to do, how did i not learn this when i was a child? Right between learning to talk and learning to read - these two events where actually quite close together for me, there is still debate about whether my sister who is 18 months younger than me may have helped teach me to talk.
I go to bed at between 10 and 11pm, i lay there thinking for an hour or two, then i drift into this turbulant uncomfortable state, i wake up every hour and move about a bit, my pillow has never travelled so much, before this i was dreaming a lot, horrible, terrifying dreams but i was dreaming, now i am now asleep long enough to dream, at 4am i start to feel too hot, theres no reason for this, the heating isn't on and its still winter but after that i don't sleep, i lay there with my eyes shut willing myself to but i don't.
All of this takes up quite a lot of energy, when day finally arrives i'm exhausted already, making myself walk downstairs is a marathon, yet everyone, including myself, thinks i'm lazy, i berate myself for only accomplishing walking downstairs and getting washed in a day but i don't know how i managed to do this all in twenty minutes in the past. I've watched the family of birds in the bush outside of the window for an hour now, i can't focus on it, my mind phases in and out.
In the middle of all of this my friends keep asking how i'm doing, i takes about a week for me to get back to them, i'm normally totally on top of stuff like that, its easier to push people away, its not something i can deal with right now, but not hearing from them would make me feel more lonely, i think i'm waiting for them to give up, like those little wind up cars that you push backwards and they go towards you, but you get to a point where you push them too far away and they don't come back anymore.