Census

So this is what i'm thinking today, Census 2011
Yesterday was a good day, Alice and I went to my nans house and she said "Soph check this census form for me, make sure i've filled it out right", i did, she hadn't, she'd missed half of the questions, one part says 'go to question H14' she had gone to question 14 (not of section H) and as such had skipped a page of questions, she had filled out questions it said she didn't have to answer 'Is English your main language, if yes go to question 20' - missing out question 19, she had filled out question 19 'How well can you speak English?' To give her her dues she had ticked 'very well', if it had said 'how well do you read english' it might have lead to a different answer. Question 16 'What is your ethnic group' she ticked the first option but read the rest aloud, even though she clearly isn't mixed race, asian, black or other, but she was just checking there wasn't anything that fitted her better than 'white - english/welsh/scottish/northern irish/british'.
Question 17 'this question is intentionally left blank go to 18' caused no end of confusion on her part and when i read out "Nan are your day-to-day activities limited because of a health problem or disability which has lasted, or is expected to last, at least 12 months? inclde problems related to old age" she said "no" to which i said "nan you can't fill out the form because your arthritis is so bad i think that counts" to which she said "oh i don't want to make a fuss" and after explaining that it wasn't complaining it was giving the government a true reflection of what the populations needs were and where they should put there money into so actually its a good thing to put those things down she said "well i guess i'm limited a little then, maybe they will phone me about that" .... i doubt they will.
She laughed her head off about the politcial correctness of the same sex partnership question and miscounted the number of rooms in her maisonette. Hilarious, even more so because you aren't really supposed to complete it until the 27th anyway! She told me she thinks a lot of older people will fill it out wrong, i saw a little old lady posting hers today and wondered what it beheld.
I love census' i think they are awesome, we looked online at the ones from 100 years ago to find our relatives and what they wrote, apparently my nans side of the family werent so up on filling out the form properly either because we couldnt find theirs (maybe they wrote their names wrong?), because they are kept private for 100 years this could be how distant relatives find out about you in a centurys time, which is pretty mind blowing, mines not going to put me in a very good light, it'll say that i'm still living with my mother at 25 years old, that i don't have a job and have severe mental health needs, has no children or dependents, isn't married and last worked in 2009 as a sales assistant (because voluntary work doesnt count and there is no where to explain the university stuff) they wont know about me living in america, working as a carer, doing tons of voluntary work, having a long term boyfriend, my work ethic and what i've achieved, they will know my religion but bundled into C of E, Catholicism and all other christian denominations, which to be honest many people will tick out of habit, they will know i have a degree but not what it is in or how well i did in it, it doesnt put me in a very good light if this is all future generations have to go on. I'm going to stay overnight at Nomes' house on the 27th, so she'll have to include me as a visitor on her form, at least that way anyone trying to find out about me in the future will know who my friends were, and really, isn't that the bit you want them to know the most?

Tuesday

I don't know where i'm going with all this, i don't know where i'm going with life in general though so whats the difference? I realised yesterday that i prefer to know where things are going, i like playing games that are kind of repetitive, i don't like the original bit of them when you are still learning how to do things, i like perfecting it and getting the best score i can, i like knowing what to do and what will happen. I dont like how unpredictable life is, i dont like change, i dont like not know whats going to happen in the future or that you can plan it until the cows come home but it never works out that way. Apparently my thing is 'control' i dont like to be out of control, i like driving because i can control my surroundings but i cant control who i will meet when out walking. Control is my security blanket. Theres only so long you can distract yourself until reality returns, turns out ive been distracting myself for 7 years, apparently im quite good at it, but nows its all come to a head and i cant ignore it any longer, its too big, i tried going back into that world last week, seeing Karen and Kayleigh, hanging out with my family, being distracted, on Sunday night it all manifested in the most excruiating headache ive ever known, i felt like my brain needed to pop out through my mouth, apparently you can only ignore things for so long until they physically hurt, i need to work through the grief but when i acknowledged it again it was so overpowering i stood there and wept, i wanted to get down on my knees and weep but i couldnt, i couldnt move from rigidly standing there and weeping, its more of a crushing low once you've been a little higher, longer fall i guess. Alice was downstairs and she let me sleep in her room, im glad she was there im really worried i would have done something extreme if she hadnt been. I really dont know how much longer i can go on like this, somethings got to give

Sunday

Explain this, yesterday was good - my aunt was spontaneously taking Alfie and Gracie to my nans house to give Claire and Liam a rest, my mum was going round there to help look after them, Alice needed to get new tap shoes but it was raining and she wasnt sure where the shop was, i knew so i drove her there, we headed to my nans on the way back and played with Alfie and Gracie, at some point Nick, Kerry, the twins and max came round too so it was a little chaotic but i felt okay, i felt good, it was nice being around people and Alfie loves having someone who will play crazily with him and Gracie stopped crying when i held her, i love having a little snuggly baby falling asleep on you. Auntie came round for dinner and i cooked and it was all good. Friday was okay too, i forced myself to walk in the morning and sorted somethings out later on and Karen and Kayleigh came round in the evening and we went out to eat and it was great, i was actually surprised i was okay with going out. But today .... hmmm i didnt sleep well, but thats not the reason, i didnt sleep well the other days either. I wasted the morning playing a game on my ipod but i felt like i had to do it, repeative games .... are calming, you just focus on the task at hand, you dont have to think, i offered to wash my mums car but by the time i was ready there was a big black cloud and i figured it was going to rain so i told mum that but i think she thought i was just being lazy, i wasnt, it started rain just after so it would have been pointless doing it then, i think i bashed my mums arm when i sat down because she was all ignoring me and it seems like its more painful to go back down to a low from a bigger height, im now in my room, im so low i can hardly move, i feel like there should be some pattern to this so i can stop it happening but i dont think there is, just when i get to a point where i can cope with living it goes again, im not actually sure if this isnt just how its normal to feel, maybe this is just how life is and i need to suck it up and get on with it or get out of the race.

Thursday

My mum has an untidy stack of Good Housekeeping magazines on a table overloaded with junk, there's an irony there somewhere. The plant Naomi gave me for Christmas is in bloom, it's lovely, low maintenance, which is a good thing or it wouldn't be here right now, the tiny pots of basil in my room have started to poke their heads through the soil too, with that and the daffodils i guess its spring. I haven't written for so long because i've been hibernating, i've been so tired for the past week i've only struggled out of bed for 8 hours max a day, it's been dark and gloomy so i guess the weather was on my side. Julia thinks its okay to hibernate, she says its things catching up on me, and i'm in a deep sleep now, the doctor thinks i'm lazy, she said i need to exercise and see people, i don't think she understands, can she honestly think thats not what i want to be doing? When i see people it takes so much energy that it completely drains me and i fall asleep, exercise is fine but as soon as i stop theres like a backlog that needs to be repaid and i go into this coma for even longer. I'm not used to not doing anything, i'm normally so busy that i don't have time to think, maybe thats the problem, distraction. I don't want to be here. Because i'm sleeping so much i have lots of dreams, vivid ones, scary ones, they don't seem to be related to my day at all, i guess its better than waking up every five minutes like before, just means i'm missing life. A few days ago i was screaming that i hated my dad to his face, that never happened, it was just a dream but i don't normally dream about him, or when i do it's like my dreams don't realise his been gone for quite a while now, like he is just here with mum like it always used to be and life is going on normally, i guess thats denile, apparently i've been in this stage for 7 years without realising it, i thought i was at acceptance as soon as it happened. I dreamt last night that i was in America, i don't remember the reason why, but not in Kansas, somewhere on the eastern side, and i'd been there a while and thought oh i should probably let Weston know, maybe i could see him, that's how i feel at the moment, i should let Weston know, i should do a lot of things.

Friday

So i guess this is the situation at the moment, i'm taking a break from uni, i'm supposed to go back in November, i don't have a place to live in November but i'm supposed to go back then, i'm unemployed, i've applied to claim benefits because i have a ton of debt that needs paying off but i'm not able to work, leaving the house is painful i really have to force myself to do it, staying indoors all day is painful, i want to get out doors and get my old life back, but i'm not too sure where its hiding. I'm still pushing people away, but less so, i have bouts and spurts where i have energy and wish i was around people but realise i must look quite a state at the moment and don't really want people to see me like this. I want to go running, i don't know why, i hate running, i get out of breath so quickly but it seems so appealing right now, i want to wake up at 4am and run but i go to bed at 10pm and have trouble pulling myself back out of it at 10am. I don't want to run during the day because i don't want to meet people, i'm ashamed to be back here, i'm ashamed to be in this state, but this is what its come to. I think i'm putting on weight but i don't know for sure, i've never weighed myself and have no reason to start now, but i have exercised in weeks and just about manage to feed myself even though i never feel hungry, i know i must be. I feel guilty from the moment i wake up till exhaustion lets me sleep, i feel guilty that i'm a burden on my mum, that i'm not out earning my own money and looking after myself, that people are worried about me, that i'm causing people distress, that i'm not good enough. I feel guilty that i'm not living up to my families expectations, even more that i'm not living up to God's .... though i'm not sure he exists right now, and more than that mine. I know i expect to much of myself and in doing that i set myself up for failure but whats the point in aiming low? I want to be the best that i can be, but i never achieve it, and knowing that makes me depressed. I miss my dad, i think about him more lately, i assume thats why i'm down, but i don't know for sure, i don't really know the reason. I'm living my life thinking - things will be better when .... but they never are, things are best when i'm looking forward to something, they never live up to my expectations. I think about dying a lot, i wonder if taking all of my pills at the same time would kill me but suspect it wouldn't, i'm sure i would throw them up before they did any serious harm, why would a doctor give a months worth of pills to someone they know is suicidal? I don't really want to do that but its reassuring that its an option, like i have some control left at least, if things got really bad then thats always there. I feel like a failure, people keep telling me i'm not and reminding me of the things i've done but it doesn't matter what people say, i'm not really listening anyway, i'm not the person i want to be. I haven't been happy in so long that i can't remember what it feels like. I'm living but ... i'm just getting through life, i'm plodding along it, i want to be doing backflips along it, enjoying every second, or at least one. Today is a 'one' day, a duvet day as my counsellor calls it, i'm glad i'm alone on one days but i'm not sure it's safe for me to be. I find it much easier to remember to take my pill on one days, i don't know that taking it helps but counting down the hours till i take it gives me hope that tomorrow wont be the same. I want to be busy, i want to be distracted, but i don't have the energy to do anything and i've been distracting myself for so long that i haven't dealt with the underlying cause here, i'm just putting it off and now i can't walk with the weight of it all any longer. I haven't spoken to Weston in so long, i feel so guilty for that, i know i'm making him upset but i can't face it, this just isn't real life, this is a strange little bubble of nothingness.

Monday

Today i cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. I needed something to distract my mind, to focus my energy on, i need to feel exhausted at the end of the day, thats how i know the day is finished, days where i don't feel exhausted have been wasted in my opinion. I cleaned things that no one ever bothers to clean, but that i notice are dirty, this is why i know no one will notice that i have been cleaning all day, i don't need the recognition, i just need to distract my mind. I had a internal list of things i could do today to keep myself busy but now i sit down to take a break i don't feel satistfied with what i've done, however much i do it wont ever be enough so make me feel satistfied, and it seemed quite clear at t he start of the day that doing this would. I think this is the same with how i feel about my life, i am thinking - i'll be happy once i've done this thing and once i've achieved this, then i'll feel good and satisfied with myself. But i sit down and look back on what i've done and realise that none of it made me feel happy, it didn't bring the satisfaction i thought it would, it just provided me with a distraction so i was okay for that small bit of life and ultimately it made me realise more things i had to do in order for me to feel okay about things. You don't realise how much there is to clean until you start doing it, then you notice 50 other things that need doing, thats what i feel like with life - i didn't realise that i needed to improve this thing until i started doing stuff and that wasn't factored into the bigger plan of how things were going to go. But its made me realise, i dont actually know how to be happy, i dont know what makes me happy and when im told to think of a happy time and take myself back to then .... i dont have one, and im not totally sure that thats just because i cant think of one right now because of the way im feeling, im not sure ive had one, how can i work my way towards something ive no experience of? I feel like there is this cycle of negativity, ive learnt to view things negatively with this sarcastic nature and i cant pull myself out of it so now i cant see the positive anymore, and im really scared i would pass this on to any kids i had, i've always wanted kids, lots of them, but i just couldnt be the reason someone felt like this. You have to wonder whats the point of a life thats just plodding along in this 'its just about okay' level of things, needing a million distractions in order to ward off something worse.

Saturday

Yesterday was a better day, today is not. Yesterday i drove to Cardiff and moved out of my house, i took all my books back to the library and went to see Sue to give her the doctors stuff, i accomplished something. Today i got up late and just started sorting out this room, i'm moving into Eliots old room because there is more space, its disgusting though so it needs a lot of cleaning before i can move anything in here. I was just starting to feel positive about it, about to get the hoover, ignoring the bigger implications of moving back in here, how i would feel once the mission of having something to do was over and my mum comes in and says we need to move the other wardrobe in here, Eliot will need more space than just the little room when he comes back at Easter. Mainly this upset me because it made me realise that i'm not in control of my own life anymore, i can't make my own decisions without them going through my mum or my counsellor first but it also got to me because i was never given lots of space when i came back during holidays, all of my stuff had to be packed up and stored under the bed so it wasn't taken and put in someones loft. Why did this topic have to be brought up now? What was the benefit in that? I already feel like i don't want to be here, i just wanted to create my own little space that i could have some control over, that i could keep nice and would be my resonsibility and no one else could interfere with but now it seems like ill be chucked out of it again as soon as Eliot comes back from uni, i don't want to be here so badly and now i've lost all motivation for my little project, i'm at a new level of low, i really thought that having my own space to be me and to be alone would make things better but .... it wont, there really isnt any solution to this, so whats the point?