No TV, No Laptop, No Mobile

It turns out i may have had some idols, well ... let me explain,
I dont mean idols like 'statues of a god that i give offerings to' and i dont mean idols like humans that i worship or think are pretty awesome and follow around all day wanting their signature on a piece of paper. I mean idol in the sense of something that you couldnt give up and that you didnt really need (not like food) and that most probably gets in the way of you and God.

I have a lot of random writing on my bag ... its supposed to be there, it came like that, that was its design, it supposed to look cool, anyway you cant really figure out what half of it says because its kinda all over the place but one bit says something about being in a peaceful place with no tv no laptop no mobile, which does seem kinda peaceful, for a short period of time a least. However i didnt realise those things were my idols and that i really should spend time without them to really get 'inner peace', i doubt this was the purpose of the bag its just a coincidence but its strange that that should be written on there in a kinda cool way.

Anyway, it seems you dont realise these things for what they are until you dont have them anymore and you realise what a strong hold they have over your life and your actions, how much of a hold they have over your day, what your do and the time you waste on them. Before Christmas my laptop broke down, now this is quite inconvient because i do actually need it for some stuff, not least to talk with everybody who is either not in the same country as me at the moment or not specifically in this town which is pretty much my whole list of friends and family, also things like internet banking get kinda difficult when you cant get onto the internet! I do realise however that i screw about on the computer a lot and i really dont need to be on here as much as i am when i have the accessibility to do so. Its been a bit of a struggle not being able to check my emails and facebook 20 times a day but it turns out i can survive without it! I think the addiction is passing.

Just after Christmas O2 were mucking about with my phone contract, it had been up for renewal and i wanted to switch to pay as you go but keep my number .... help centres in India do not make this an easy process and once the old sim card was finally disconnected so was the new one, so i had no phone either, this isnt so much of a biggy because i rarely use my phone but you realise how much you use it for other things as soon as you dont have it, i dont have a watch or an alarm clock because i have a phone .... i dont have anybodies phone numbers written down or memorized because i have a phone, ditto addresses. Now i have the thing sorted out, i think, and i have the line working again but i've just stopped using it really - obviously its useful for the clock and stuff but who am i texting? I think the £10 credit i have on there will last quite a long time now.

No TV, im used to this one, i havent had a tv in quite a few years now, however i did have DVDs and iplayers, well i have 2 DVDs now but watching them on a communal DVD player is an interesting concept and i have no laptop so no iplayer, we have a communal tv and i realise that i dont really need to watch anything that on it, the addiction to watching random rubbish was broken a while back, seeing endless reruns of friends and two and a half men is just a time filler, there are a few programmes that i would like to watch but we never watch them and they are the kind of thing i would catch up with on the iplayer if i could, so there doesnt seem like a lot of point watching tv.

Which brings me to a interesting question - what do you do with your day?
I dont have uni work anymore, my friends are scattered all over the place
It seems like (not in a depressing way) i now have a lot more time on my hands, preoccupying yourself all day with the internet and stuff is just a time filler, it keeps you busy and passes your time, but what are you willing this time away for?
Dont get me wrong, this isnt a depressing thing, its a good thing and in a weird way im glad its happened because its freed me in some way from the holds of ... monotony, i just thought it was an interesting thing, a kind of flash back to what it would have been like back in the day before these things were invented. Now you read more, you socialise with the people around you - in the real world not a virtual one, you open your eyes to the world around you, see nature, see what needs to be done, you work still, you make a list of the things you need to do everyday and you actually have time to get them done and at the end of the day you steal someone elses computer and catch up on all the things you have missed and realise the less you use the internet, the less you need it.

Trumpets

I'm reading Sophie's World again, well not 'again' in the sense that i've ever actually finished the book in the past but more in the sense that i've started it a ton of times and haven't reached the end yet because -
a. I'm a slow reader, and
b. Philosophy, in my opinion, can only be read in small portions because you need time to reflect on what you have read so that your brain doesn't explode, and lets face it this book is thousands of years of philosophical thought compacted down into 400 pages so there is a lot to take in!
I'm about half way through, past socrates, descartes, aristole, plato, they've just given the very brief low down on Jesus and then Alberto Knox said something about the trumpets sounding and war cries and i realised that i'd never understood that before, when i read about trumpets in the Bible i think ... cool music - celebrations and worship, it never even crossed my mind to think 'trumpets sounding signalling troops going into battle, a way of telling everyone to attack' How strange that is, now he also points out that Jesus had a cool way of changing the meaning of these old fashioned phrases and perhaps thats something He did there but its still kinda weird that i didn't put two and two together. But anyway now i'm trying to think of situations were that phrase is used and maybe i didn't get the right meaning the first time round, like 'praise Him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise Him with harp and lyre' i figured that was just like ... play music and worship Him, but is it supposed to be 'go fight for His name'?

Any insights?

Journal Day Five

Today i went to the leisure centre and joined in with the aqua aerobics class, it depleted some of my excess energy and it was pretty fun, i think the other ladies didnt like me being there quite as much because im the youngest person there by quite a long shot and most probably the thinnest but im definately the most uncoordinated. When i go back someone had locked the door so i couldnt get in ... not good because it was raining, the nurse was coming to train me to use the hoist and my hair was still wet from swimming, eventually (after much prayer) Yirang heard the door and opened it, i had time to change before the nurse got here, just for her to show me a couple of pictures of what not to do, give me a certificate and leave ... i felt a little bit cheated considering she was supposed to be the hoist expert i thought she was at least going to show me how the hoist should be used!! Oh well, ill read the manual i guess *shakes head* Its supposed to snow tomorrow, and im a little nervous about Christmas an everything thats going to happen, im really trying to put it all in Gods hands and have faith in Him to provide but its really hard to do sometimes, baby steps, baby steps

Day Four

Today i feel a little low, i felt a little low the other day but i felt better once i had worked out at the gym .... maybe i need to expend some of this 'stress energy', i think ill go swimming tomorrow morning, i want to swim ... eurgh, i need an aim .... i need to book on to this online course and find a church, find some things to get involved with, to take up my time and give me a purpose, im starting to worry about things again which isnt good, i think when im so busy i dont have time to worry about anything so im happier, even though i complain about being so busy, i never realise that until im not busy anymore ....
SO! Lets plan some stuff! Lets get busy again!

Journal Day One

Sophie's Journal Day one

I arrived in Loughborough, Literally i got off of a plane on thursday, took all of my clothes out of my suitcase on friday, washed them all and then put them all back in the suitcase, got the train on saturday morning and arrived here at around 2 in the afternoon, Yirang met me at the train station and helped me find my way to the house, Yirang is lovely, she helped me take my stuff up to my bedroom (Her and Elena are sharing the bedroom on the third floor at the moment because the one next to mine has a mold problem) She showed me the rota, helped me set up my wireless, made me a cup of tea, organised a meeting with the hoist expert for me. Yeah shes pretty cool. When i got to the house Naomi, Flo, Elena and Pao were there, they all seem nice, Flo unfortunately was on her way to the train station, she was flying back to Costa Rica, I am taking over from her, Pao and Naomi were travelling in to London for the night to meet up with some friends, so i spent the evening hanging out with Elena and Yirang, we went to the shop and got some food and Elena seems to have eaten the majority of hers already, i have no idea how she is still so skinny, but i guess it was pretty healthy food, then we watched tv. It was nice, really relaxing, not really what id expected i guess.

When i was lying in bed that night i started to think about how God was looking out for me, let me get something straight here - i was terrified of this whole situation before i got here, hey i was still terrified on the train, but as soon as i met Yirang i felt this sense of calm, and then i was okay, isnt that strange? I pretty much only came here because thats what i felt God was telling me to do, God knows me, He knows that if there is any other option i will probably wimp out and take it instead of doing the hard thing which he is asking me to do, So pretty much things seem to go like this, things are orchestrated so that not doing this thing would be much worse than doing it. Like in second year going in to the final year of uni was the worse thing that could happen to me the thought of it made me feel sick and i really had no peace with it at all, and God used that as a way to make me go to Kansas so that i would finally see Him. When i got back to England i could suddenly cope with being in the final year, i finally had peace with it. Then that year doing the dissertation was the scariest thing ever, the one i had been given i just couldnt see how it was going to work (and it turns out it wouldnt have) i really had no peace on it at all and i was freaking out big time, so i asked to change subject and miraculously it worked out - i got this awesome subject, that i actually did some great stuff with, i got a great result and degree because of it, i got a great project tutor, but the point is, i physically couldnt have not changed, if i had been okay with the subject i had and God had said to me - you need to change it, it will be better if you do - i dont think i would have been able to. Well moving here was like that, i was so depressed before i went to Manhattan for those few weeks, i had no job and no prospects, i really didnt feel that i could do anything, and i wonder if i hadnt been a christian at that time what would have happened. Anyway, when i came back i was pretty nervous and was considering not coming but the thing is what else would i have done? I would have gone back to being the person i was before, no job and no prospects, i physically couldnt stay were i was, so i had to listen and go, i realise it isnt a test of faith when you have no option whether to go or not, but i wonder if its a progression up to that, baby steps, as i dont have the foundations yet, maybe if id grown up with this or always been around people who knew God then i would be able to see that when God asks you to do something He always provides, but i dont know that for certain yet ... so maybe this is an introduction into that?

I was also thinking this - before i left i was thinking i really dont get along with English girls that easily, i get on with some English girls just fine but they are a few special ones, i get along with english guys just fine ... dont ask me why. So the thought of being stuck in a house with 3 other random girls was kinda daunting, but God provides and He knows me, the other 3 girls in the house are all international, Columbia, South Korea and Germany. I feel like God has prepared me to be around international people, my friends throughout uni have been for various places around the globe - Egypt, Hong Kong, the Philipines, India, China, then i go abroad and i am an international student - so i know how it feels to be away from your homeland and i make more friends from various countries - America, Australia, Czech republic, Germany, France, Italy, Mexico, Peru, so God was preparing me for this before i could have even imagined it would happen, which makes me wonder what he is preparing me for in the future that i cant even imagine happening yet? Why am i being introduced to all of these nations now? is there something in that? or is this so that i can sympathise with people from around the world and know that He is doing great things everywhere?
It seems like all of the things i was worrying about He has already sorted out for me, what will i do in my spare time? Elena mentioned going to the gym with her - which ive been wanting to do for ages but have never had anyone to go with, ive wanted to learn more about theology since i got back from the states but never had anytime, it seems like some of the others are doing courses in various things so maybe this is the ideal opportunity, im not a fan of cooking but it seems like neither are the others, i was worried about whether i should go to church today or whether i should wait in and see what everyone else is doing because its just my second day and they might wonder where i went - i prayed and gave it to God and said if its meant to be you will guide me and show me where to go and if im not supposed to go this week then you will make that so, well i dont know where the key for the door is ... so i cant actually get out of the house until i see one, so i guess God answered that question for me. Naomi got a pet snake last week, this wasnt a worry but it made me laugh that it managed to escape already, twice in fact, they found it again once but then it escaped again and is now on the loose in the house somewhere, ive not seen it but i guess it will turn up eventually.

Im not homesick, but i am still a little nervous, but i know this is normal, i just need to get to that point like i did when i moved to America where things were okay again, and then eventually better than they were ever before, i can wait for that.

Weston

When Weston dropped me off at Hilarys apartment last night he waited until id got in before he drove away, i love that he does that, im not sure whether he is checking i am safe (these are the dangerous streets of Manhattan after all!) or whether he doesnt really want to leave, but it makes me feel special. I think that a lot about the things he does, and as im pretty sure no one reads this blog anymore im gonna write down some of these things so that i dont forget when im old and cynical.

I love that he will happily wear holey socks and that he doesnt mind people knowing it, i love that he doesnt mind that i joke about that fact. I love that he rates how well his days go on whether he got to hang out with me and whether he ate cookies, a great day includes both. I love how adorable he looks first thing in the morning when he has just stumbled out of his bedroom, wearing his glasses and his hair is sticking up in various different directions. I love that sometimes when we are deciding something he will say exactly what im thinking. I love that he can spend 40 minutes in Asda choosing a dessert, i love that that fact doesnt bug me, i love that the waitress will come back to our table three times before we are ready to order but from then on he could tell you most of the menu before we even set out to the restaurant, i love that he cares so much about the decisions he makes that he will take that time and not rush in to things, it reassures me that anything he does involving me will have been carefully thought through that he is definitely sure about, that he wont turn around later and say he acted rashly and regrets his decision. I love that he is so crazy smart but that he doesnt even think so tell anyone. I love that i feel so safe when his driving, i love that he doesnt do stupid things to show off and i love that he says "i probably shouldnt turn around will you describe it to me" when i look out of the back window of the truck and point out the most amazing sunset. I love that he takes detours to show me houses with awesome Christmas lights. I love that when we bump into somebody he knows they already know who i am even though ive never met them before, i love that he beams whenever i hold his hand and i love that i believe him when he says 'its going to be okay' when im ridiculously nervous about something. I love that he is the only person i have met that i can spend every minute of the day with and not feel like i have to get away and be on my own for a while because they are driving me insane, i love that after spending five days hanging out together i felt a pang of missing him when we had been apart 10 hours (8 of which were spent sleeping), i love that i dont care how pathetic that sounds. I love that he listens so carefully to what i say, even though most of the time its irrelevant waffle, i love that he didnt complain for a second when i asked him to help me move all of my stuff in a shopping cart while he was on his vacation and that we actually sat down and laughed at how funny it was once we had finished. I love that he ate the cottage pie i made him that looked like disgusting mush and i love that he said it tasted delicious. I love that i dont feel silly jumping in puddles or leaves or rolling in the snow when he is around because his doing exactly the same thing and that we are both grinning like loons at the people walking by. I love that he loves bacon, maple syrup and cheesecake as much as i do, i love that there is this beaming light thing that surrounds him that makes people want to love him, i think its a knowing Jesus beam. I love that the list of things i love about Weston is so long i cant fit it all into this post.

My eyes arent always on Jesus, sometimes i forget about Him altogether, things get in the way and i constantly go back to my old way of dealing with things .... that doesnt work but i feel like there should be comfort in going back to it, even though there isnt. Im not good at change although i would like to change this. Most of the time i feel down but i think i only feel time when i am down, happy moments fly by way too fast. Im never smart enough, but ive stopped caring, sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. When im depressed i become even more introverted and im pretty sure people interpret that as me being cold or mean or angry at them, which makes them cold, mean and angry towards me, which makes me more depressed. Sometimes i lay and watch the ceiling for hours, i sleep a lot, i have no clue what my purpose in life is but im pretty sure im not reaching it, in fact im probably making things harder for me to attain my goals. I have strong opinions but im scared of other peoples reactions so i rarely voice them, i dont like being a sheep but sometimes life is easier that way. I hate cowardice but i am the biggest coward there is, so yes, i guess i hate myself, does it make you feel better that even though i dislike you i dislike myself to a greater extent? Probably not, hate is such a personal thing that if somebody hates you it really matters very little if they hate someone else at the same time, that has little relevance to your existance, survival of the fittest - reasonate a trait that causes you to live longer and reproduce more and it will hang around longer, being 'likable' should stop you getting eaten by your own people, being hated by somebody would not be a good thing yet knowing somebody else is hated may only increase your chances of survival. I sometimes have dark dreams, ive been having them a lot recently, which causes me to wake up in the night a lot, which causes me to be grouchy in the morning, last night i was running from an angry old lady who bit my arm and took a chunk of flesh out of me she then sunk her teeth into my leg until the blood drained out of me and i passed out, i woke up and for a moment thought i was dead but realised death looked a lot like Hilarys spare room, im not sure why i wasnt happy when i realised. Its strange that happiness and a lack of it arent things that you can switch on and off, when someone says 'snap out of it' you cant just decide not to be sad anymore, its just a thing that is, you can change your circumstances but that often doesnt change the bigger picture, yet happiness is as contagious as a yawn and unfortunately so is unhappiness. When you hear other people say these things do you think 'ill pray for them' and maybe you will and maybe you will forget to, are you also thinking .... im glad thats not me.