Okay, so lets do the WMS update now, it seems im not very good at saying how i feel out loud, so maybe ill be able to articulate things better by writing things down, well maybe.
Firstly WMS was awesome, spiritually i was feeling pretty low on those last couple of days of the term, its like im forever fighting against things, people attacking my beliefs, everything is an uphill struggle, and its so tempting when the enemy reminds you of what a wonderfully easy downhill ride it is. Things before were so wonderfully easy, it seems like it would be nice to go back to that, but then you are reminded of the reason you dont want to go there, because when you look back at the past you never remember the horribleness that accompanied it, you always have rose tinted glasses. Anyway, thats besides the point. The point is WMS was just what i needed.
Secondly, it scared the crud out of me, but in the nicest possibly way. When i look at the situation where i am back home, of people and God, well its pretty bad. England is supposed to be a Christian country, but lets face it, its not, its scary the amount of people who don't know Jesus and what that is causing to happen in their lives as a result. That really upsets me, i rarely sleep very well anyway but at the end of term i kept having these dreams where i would see all these people that are really close to me and they are all burning, their skin is flaking off their faces, charred and black and they look in excrusiating pain, well i cant explain it that well but its not a nice dream, and i figured it was because of peoples salvation and stuff, i got that much, and well frankly who thinks spending eternity with God would be good when everyone you know and love has to spend eternity in hell instead and you dont get to share the wonderfulness with them. How could you be happy when you know you didnt do everything physically possible to make them see? Well it seems like the thing to do when you get that kind of a dream is to pray, so i did, i prayed for labourers, no thats not right, i pleaded for labourers, people to make everyone see sense. Well its easy to ask for someone else to sort it out. But of course Gods answer wasnt that easy. Rather it was a reprimand, something like 'I already sent one, shes just not doing enough' which was like a slap in the face, because if i have to do stuff then its my fault if it doesnt work out, i dont want that responsibility, i figured the WMS would lead to some nice cozy answer, going to some place which id planned on travelling to anyway, or God saying 'Soph this isnt really your area, you're on track already, you dont need to go'. I knew it wouldnt realistically happen, but it would have been nice, its like in a job when things get pushed when you're coming to a deadline and everyone has to muck in to get it done, even if what your doing isnt in your job description, its everyones area, you just have a different way of doing it. Well anyway of course my response was 'oh poop, really? but .... i dont want to .... *all said in a very small voice*' and then a defeated 'okay, but im gonna need your help'. I never wanted to do missions in England, i dont even want to live in England particularly, i find it near impossible to share my faith in England, no-one wants to listen, and i dont think im brave enough to be loud and do what has to be done. But things arent meant to be easy. But God doesnt leave you in the lurch with these things, its like when you ask for something for Christmas and you think you get this educational toy instead and your like 'huh .... well thanks .... i guess i needed this ... but i really wanted the bike' but then later your dad whips out the bike, and you'd had that all along, because thats what you'd asked for, and his nice like that. Well God will send labourers too he just wants me to reach my full potential as well, maybe that just increases the pressure, then even more people are relying on me, even though they are really helping.
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