Thursday

I think i only know the day of the week because i am writing it at the top of these posts, i guess i've become slightly out of touch with the real world. I got a message from Weston earlier apologising again for all of this, even though none of this is his fault and doesnt really have anything to do with him at all i guess, although i can see why he may think so, the timing was coincidental. It was more of an explosive compaction of assuming everything would be okay if i could just make it to Christmas, everything would be alright once i got to Christmas, but then i felt the same at Christmas and after Christmas it was worse ... there wasn't any deadline anymore, just, realife. Perhaps you can look forward to something too much, but it wasn't that either, it was resting all happiness on that moment.
My mum took me to see Julia the counsellor on Tuesday, i don't know if it helped, she said grief has 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I'm not sure if this is just bull or whether i actually haven't started to grieve at all because i haven't been through any of these, somehow i seem to be at depression now having skipped a few steps even though i thought i was at acceptance a long time ago, how can it have taken me this long to start to grieve??
This doesn't seem like a very nice thing to be writing on here but the whole point of this thing is to get this stuff out so i'm not thinking them anymore so if reading any of this makes you upset then stop reading,
i'm still in this 'nothings working yet' stage of things, because - nothings working yet, i'm taking the drugs as they suggested and doing this counselling thing and all that jazz but i don't feel any different, i'm not at uni anymore so i don't feel like i'm going to have a heart attack every 5 seconds but i feel exactly the same, i can't see an end to this, its like i'm in a tunnel and the tunnel is life and its completely dark and you used to be able to see what was going on ahead a bit but its totally black now and i'm just stumbling along not knowing what's going on, i lie in bed each night and wish that i was dead, life is actually too painful to cope with and the thought of the future is even worse. Most people say that taking these drugs help them feel better about things, more able to cope with life and stuff ... they may as well be vitamin c tablets because nothings happend. Something has to change soon, i can't live life feeling like this