Friday

So i guess this is the situation at the moment, i'm taking a break from uni, i'm supposed to go back in November, i don't have a place to live in November but i'm supposed to go back then, i'm unemployed, i've applied to claim benefits because i have a ton of debt that needs paying off but i'm not able to work, leaving the house is painful i really have to force myself to do it, staying indoors all day is painful, i want to get out doors and get my old life back, but i'm not too sure where its hiding. I'm still pushing people away, but less so, i have bouts and spurts where i have energy and wish i was around people but realise i must look quite a state at the moment and don't really want people to see me like this. I want to go running, i don't know why, i hate running, i get out of breath so quickly but it seems so appealing right now, i want to wake up at 4am and run but i go to bed at 10pm and have trouble pulling myself back out of it at 10am. I don't want to run during the day because i don't want to meet people, i'm ashamed to be back here, i'm ashamed to be in this state, but this is what its come to. I think i'm putting on weight but i don't know for sure, i've never weighed myself and have no reason to start now, but i have exercised in weeks and just about manage to feed myself even though i never feel hungry, i know i must be. I feel guilty from the moment i wake up till exhaustion lets me sleep, i feel guilty that i'm a burden on my mum, that i'm not out earning my own money and looking after myself, that people are worried about me, that i'm causing people distress, that i'm not good enough. I feel guilty that i'm not living up to my families expectations, even more that i'm not living up to God's .... though i'm not sure he exists right now, and more than that mine. I know i expect to much of myself and in doing that i set myself up for failure but whats the point in aiming low? I want to be the best that i can be, but i never achieve it, and knowing that makes me depressed. I miss my dad, i think about him more lately, i assume thats why i'm down, but i don't know for sure, i don't really know the reason. I'm living my life thinking - things will be better when .... but they never are, things are best when i'm looking forward to something, they never live up to my expectations. I think about dying a lot, i wonder if taking all of my pills at the same time would kill me but suspect it wouldn't, i'm sure i would throw them up before they did any serious harm, why would a doctor give a months worth of pills to someone they know is suicidal? I don't really want to do that but its reassuring that its an option, like i have some control left at least, if things got really bad then thats always there. I feel like a failure, people keep telling me i'm not and reminding me of the things i've done but it doesn't matter what people say, i'm not really listening anyway, i'm not the person i want to be. I haven't been happy in so long that i can't remember what it feels like. I'm living but ... i'm just getting through life, i'm plodding along it, i want to be doing backflips along it, enjoying every second, or at least one. Today is a 'one' day, a duvet day as my counsellor calls it, i'm glad i'm alone on one days but i'm not sure it's safe for me to be. I find it much easier to remember to take my pill on one days, i don't know that taking it helps but counting down the hours till i take it gives me hope that tomorrow wont be the same. I want to be busy, i want to be distracted, but i don't have the energy to do anything and i've been distracting myself for so long that i haven't dealt with the underlying cause here, i'm just putting it off and now i can't walk with the weight of it all any longer. I haven't spoken to Weston in so long, i feel so guilty for that, i know i'm making him upset but i can't face it, this just isn't real life, this is a strange little bubble of nothingness.