Quote of the day care of Marc
"hm... going to the corner shop and buying nothing but loo roll. I might as well have gone in and anounced: "Good day shop-keep, I need a poo!"
Made me giggle

My back is aching, a lot. Apparently i am not strong enough to move a 6 ft tall, pretty weighty man on a transfer board by myself. He and his wife are not happy about that, in fact they dont stop going on about it. Talk about purposely trying to make you feel rubbish! But of course everything ends with, no offense to you. I dont think i can stand two more weeks of this, and they are talking about calling up the agency anyway because im not strong enough. I dont think my meds are working enough for me to be able to cope with this

Rant

I have decided, i don't like change. Even though change has pretty much always brought a more awesome situation into view and from the behaviourists point of view that should bring positive reinforcement, but it doesn't. That feeling of really not knowing what you are doing, feeling insecure, uncertain, butterflies in your tummy, i feel that over the smallest change, seriously, i care way too much what people think of me. I know i am not supposed to concern myself with what people think of me and not alter what i do because of how i think people will react but putting that into practice, not worrying that people dislike you, that's tough. I want to be good at what i do, i want to show Jesus to people by the way i act, i want to shine for God's kingdom, but i think to do that i dont just need to change the way i act, i need to change the way i think. Not wanting to slap someone who is horrible to you would make not slapping the person easier, holding back from slapping them .... the hate doesnt go away, its still bubbling inside of you. I don't know how you change that, how do you stop just acting like a Christian and actually do it because thats who you are?
Man life is tough, i don't like constructive criticism, its just criticism with a nice name, calling something poop instead of the other words you could use doesnt stop it smelling bad, people could be so much more positive than they are, saying "lets lift that together so its off of the floor" is so much more pleasant than "dont drag that along the floor!!" It really makes a huge difference to my day when you use positive language, you dont mean it to but saying "your cleaning the tray without me even asking" makes me feel like poop, youre implying i dont usually, i know you dont mean that, i know you are intending praise and are in fact accusing others of not cleaning the tray normally, as after all this is my first day and it would have been impossible for me to clean the tray before today without breaking into the building but "oh thanks for cleaning that Soph, it looks great" .... makes me feel a lot different towards you. So i dropped the keyboard, yes its expensive, but not making me feel bad about it wouldnt make me more likely to do it in the future, i didnt do it on purpose.

I strongly dislike not having a laptop to write these thoughts down as soon as they come to mind, its quite annoying and im sure i have missed out half of the cool stuff because i left it so long. Anywho, a thought popped into my head the other night. I've been reading 'Disappointment with God' recently and maybe thats what brought this on but i was thinking about the kind of love i have for God. Its a hard thing to think on because there are all these different types of love God is supposed to have for us and i dont really understand how they fit together, how can he feel a parental type of love and love for us as a wife at the same time? And i thought .... im not sure that is the type of love i experience, does these mean im not doing things right? am i experiencing God in the wrong way? I was thinking about the different ways i feel about people and none of them really explain it well enough. The best way i can describe it is like this -
The first time I meet a new born baby I cant help but smile, it doesnt have to move an inch but it will make me happy and make me want to be around it and hug it and smell it and do things that make no sense at all like look after something that just poops on you or cries at you. And this is other peoples children. When i hold a newborn baby that is actually related to me my heart breaks a little bit when i have to give them back to their parents, imagine what i will feel like towards my own offspring?! Mothers say things like 'I would die for him' and i believe it, its a whole new level of loving someone, you wont realise how much your mum loved you until you feel that love for your baby. Well thats the love i feel for God, from the first moment i was introduced to Him I wanted to always be around Him, to make Him happy and see His smile, i dont need to feel that protective love but sometimes i do and im certain i would die for Him.

Had a very disconcerting thought - "What would the world look like if abortion had been an option for Mary?"