Rant

I have decided, i don't like change. Even though change has pretty much always brought a more awesome situation into view and from the behaviourists point of view that should bring positive reinforcement, but it doesn't. That feeling of really not knowing what you are doing, feeling insecure, uncertain, butterflies in your tummy, i feel that over the smallest change, seriously, i care way too much what people think of me. I know i am not supposed to concern myself with what people think of me and not alter what i do because of how i think people will react but putting that into practice, not worrying that people dislike you, that's tough. I want to be good at what i do, i want to show Jesus to people by the way i act, i want to shine for God's kingdom, but i think to do that i dont just need to change the way i act, i need to change the way i think. Not wanting to slap someone who is horrible to you would make not slapping the person easier, holding back from slapping them .... the hate doesnt go away, its still bubbling inside of you. I don't know how you change that, how do you stop just acting like a Christian and actually do it because thats who you are?
Man life is tough, i don't like constructive criticism, its just criticism with a nice name, calling something poop instead of the other words you could use doesnt stop it smelling bad, people could be so much more positive than they are, saying "lets lift that together so its off of the floor" is so much more pleasant than "dont drag that along the floor!!" It really makes a huge difference to my day when you use positive language, you dont mean it to but saying "your cleaning the tray without me even asking" makes me feel like poop, youre implying i dont usually, i know you dont mean that, i know you are intending praise and are in fact accusing others of not cleaning the tray normally, as after all this is my first day and it would have been impossible for me to clean the tray before today without breaking into the building but "oh thanks for cleaning that Soph, it looks great" .... makes me feel a lot different towards you. So i dropped the keyboard, yes its expensive, but not making me feel bad about it wouldnt make me more likely to do it in the future, i didnt do it on purpose.