Tuesday

I don't know where i'm going with all this, i don't know where i'm going with life in general though so whats the difference? I realised yesterday that i prefer to know where things are going, i like playing games that are kind of repetitive, i don't like the original bit of them when you are still learning how to do things, i like perfecting it and getting the best score i can, i like knowing what to do and what will happen. I dont like how unpredictable life is, i dont like change, i dont like not know whats going to happen in the future or that you can plan it until the cows come home but it never works out that way. Apparently my thing is 'control' i dont like to be out of control, i like driving because i can control my surroundings but i cant control who i will meet when out walking. Control is my security blanket. Theres only so long you can distract yourself until reality returns, turns out ive been distracting myself for 7 years, apparently im quite good at it, but nows its all come to a head and i cant ignore it any longer, its too big, i tried going back into that world last week, seeing Karen and Kayleigh, hanging out with my family, being distracted, on Sunday night it all manifested in the most excruiating headache ive ever known, i felt like my brain needed to pop out through my mouth, apparently you can only ignore things for so long until they physically hurt, i need to work through the grief but when i acknowledged it again it was so overpowering i stood there and wept, i wanted to get down on my knees and weep but i couldnt, i couldnt move from rigidly standing there and weeping, its more of a crushing low once you've been a little higher, longer fall i guess. Alice was downstairs and she let me sleep in her room, im glad she was there im really worried i would have done something extreme if she hadnt been. I really dont know how much longer i can go on like this, somethings got to give