Maybe life isn't so random

What matters?

2012-01-07T15:19:00.001-08:00

I'm looking at the world wondering what the craziness is about. Weston and I are getting married in 196 days and apparently we should be stressing about this. It's essential that I figure out the accessories bridesmaids will have in their hair and the budget of these little things. Maybe I'm wrong but why? Don't get me wrong I am very excited about our wedding day but I'm even more excited about the rest of our lives. I'm not going to remember those little details, I barely remember what I had for breakfast. No I haven't spent today searching for the perfect invitation, they will find their way into the bin eventually anyway. I spent the majority of my day being there for a close friend who's dad took his own life. That's what's more important to me. I spent my evening writing to a soldier in Afghanistan. Maybe people won't say that my DJ was the best they had ever seen, maybe they will forever remember that actually he was awful and played totally inappropriate songs for half the evening or that we left it too late and just had a computer with a playlist of songs we selected running, it'll give people something I talk about and memories to pass on to our grandkids. But frankly is that the thing that's going to be important to me on July 21st ..... Nope. Let's keep things in perspective, if nothing else we can make other brides and grooms feel better about their big days. How we do with the actual life bit is more important to me than just the first day.

Christmas Traditions

2011-12-24T14:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas traditions i hope Weston and I continue

Watching the Muppet's Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve, including singing "after all there's only one more sleep till Christmas day"

Leaving cookies and milk / a mince pie and sherry out for Father Christmas (I'm not sure who will eat it to keep the fantasy alive though ....)

Eating mince pies, Christmas pudding, delicious cheeses, variety boxes of chocolate, mini sausages wrapped in bacon and random other desserts such as Tunis cake, profiteroles, gateaux etc etc

Pulling Christmas crackers before eating Christmas dinner

Opening advent calendars and eating shaped chocolate pieces each morning

Getting socks for Christmas, after all everyone could do with more socks

Making Christmas biscuits and giving them to our friends

Trying to figure out what the presents are

Giving something really random, like the Elliotts soup randomness

Snuggling up under blankets and watching Christmas movies

Drinking egg nog and then remembering i don't really like it too much

Seeing everyones Christmas lights

I know they are silly and don't mean anything but i quite enjoy doing them, mostly i'd like to do something that matters at Christmas, lets face it none of this does, its greed and ridiculousness. What's the best way to give your time at Christmas? Helping feed the poor? helping your family and friends? giving money to charity? giving a goat to a far off family? Inviting a lonely person over for some company at Christmas time?

Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City?

2011-10-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

I love Weston. I do not love that i am so far away from him. I feel secure in the fact that he loves me too and that that influences his actions in life. I can see how hard he is working to get things sorted for our married life together, he amazes me really. I was speaking to God about this. I told him how much i love Weston and how my heart dances and i grin when i think of him, how horrendously difficult it is not to be able to be around him but how that makes thinking about the wedding and our lives together so so much more exciting. I was so depressed before, not knowing how or if we would ever get to be together but now i can see the end, we can look forward to it because it WILL happen, there is no doubt in it. I told Him how happy we will be together and how i feel like there is a part of me missing until i'm around him again. He gave me this kind of realisation, like He was saying imagine how it is for me then. I thought about it, God is giving me a very intimate insight into how he feels about being reunited with his people, He is, after all, the bridegroom, preparing the home for the couple, like the preparation Weston is doing at the moment, and all i can do is wait and prepare for what is ahead. Weston and I are only separated by an ocean but the distance and the time we have to wait to be with God for ever? A place of wholeness that you would never want to leave. Not being sure that that is going to happen brings the same depression i experienced, and the knowing? the same elation. My priorities are different now. I know there is no point buying things in England when i wont be here this time next year, why buy household items that i cant take with me? Well thats like God isnt it? Once you know the bigger story you know there is no point putting your efforts into hoarding earthly treasures, when you will be on this earth such a short time, you realise where your priorities really lie. I feel secure in God's love infinitely more than i do Weston's, i know He would (and did) die for me, and like Weston, i love Him so much that i would never want Him to do that for me. The expectation of being with God forever, for developing a deeper level of relationship and intimacy, never having to be apart from Him, I should feel these excited butterflies every second of the day.

I should point out the song at the top of the post, I sing the Plain White Tees song to Weston sometimes, it fits us quite well "they've got planes and trains and cars, and i'd walk to you if i had no other way" and "our friends will all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way"

2011-09-20T07:20:00.001-07:00

Quote of the day care of Marc
"hm... going to the corner shop and buying nothing but loo roll. I might as well have gone in and anounced: "Good day shop-keep, I need a poo!"
Made me giggle

2011-09-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

My back is aching, a lot. Apparently i am not strong enough to move a 6 ft tall, pretty weighty man on a transfer board by myself. He and his wife are not happy about that, in fact they dont stop going on about it. Talk about purposely trying to make you feel rubbish! But of course everything ends with, no offense to you. I dont think i can stand two more weeks of this, and they are talking about calling up the agency anyway because im not strong enough. I dont think my meds are working enough for me to be able to cope with this

Rant

2011-09-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

I have decided, i don't like change. Even though change has pretty much always brought a more awesome situation into view and from the behaviourists point of view that should bring positive reinforcement, but it doesn't. That feeling of really not knowing what you are doing, feeling insecure, uncertain, butterflies in your tummy, i feel that over the smallest change, seriously, i care way too much what people think of me. I know i am not supposed to concern myself with what people think of me and not alter what i do because of how i think people will react but putting that into practice, not worrying that people dislike you, that's tough. I want to be good at what i do, i want to show Jesus to people by the way i act, i want to shine for God's kingdom, but i think to do that i dont just need to change the way i act, i need to change the way i think. Not wanting to slap someone who is horrible to you would make not slapping the person easier, holding back from slapping them .... the hate doesnt go away, its still bubbling inside of you. I don't know how you change that, how do you stop just acting like a Christian and actually do it because thats who you are?
Man life is tough, i don't like constructive criticism, its just criticism with a nice name, calling something poop instead of the other words you could use doesnt stop it smelling bad, people could be so much more positive than they are, saying "lets lift that together so its off of the floor" is so much more pleasant than "dont drag that along the floor!!" It really makes a huge difference to my day when you use positive language, you dont mean it to but saying "your cleaning the tray without me even asking" makes me feel like poop, youre implying i dont usually, i know you dont mean that, i know you are intending praise and are in fact accusing others of not cleaning the tray normally, as after all this is my first day and it would have been impossible for me to clean the tray before today without breaking into the building but "oh thanks for cleaning that Soph, it looks great" .... makes me feel a lot different towards you. So i dropped the keyboard, yes its expensive, but not making me feel bad about it wouldnt make me more likely to do it in the future, i didnt do it on purpose.

2011-08-12T13:40:00.001-07:00

I strongly dislike not having a laptop to write these thoughts down as soon as they come to mind, its quite annoying and im sure i have missed out half of the cool stuff because i left it so long. Anywho, a thought popped into my head the other night. I've been reading 'Disappointment with God' recently and maybe thats what brought this on but i was thinking about the kind of love i have for God. Its a hard thing to think on because there are all these different types of love God is supposed to have for us and i dont really understand how they fit together, how can he feel a parental type of love and love for us as a wife at the same time? And i thought .... im not sure that is the type of love i experience, does these mean im not doing things right? am i experiencing God in the wrong way? I was thinking about the different ways i feel about people and none of them really explain it well enough. The best way i can describe it is like this -
The first time I meet a new born baby I cant help but smile, it doesnt have to move an inch but it will make me happy and make me want to be around it and hug it and smell it and do things that make no sense at all like look after something that just poops on you or cries at you. And this is other peoples children. When i hold a newborn baby that is actually related to me my heart breaks a little bit when i have to give them back to their parents, imagine what i will feel like towards my own offspring?! Mothers say things like 'I would die for him' and i believe it, its a whole new level of loving someone, you wont realise how much your mum loved you until you feel that love for your baby. Well thats the love i feel for God, from the first moment i was introduced to Him I wanted to always be around Him, to make Him happy and see His smile, i dont need to feel that protective love but sometimes i do and im certain i would die for Him.

2011-06-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Had a very disconcerting thought - "What would the world look like if abortion had been an option for Mary?"

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Census

2011-03-11T05:15:00.000-08:00

So this is what i'm thinking today, Census 2011
Yesterday was a good day, Alice and I went to my nans house and she said "Soph check this census form for me, make sure i've filled it out right", i did, she hadn't, she'd missed half of the questions, one part says 'go to question H14' she had gone to question 14 (not of section H) and as such had skipped a page of questions, she had filled out questions it said she didn't have to answer 'Is English your main language, if yes go to question 20' - missing out question 19, she had filled out question 19 'How well can you speak English?' To give her her dues she had ticked 'very well', if it had said 'how well do you read english' it might have lead to a different answer. Question 16 'What is your ethnic group' she ticked the first option but read the rest aloud, even though she clearly isn't mixed race, asian, black or other, but she was just checking there wasn't anything that fitted her better than 'white - english/welsh/scottish/northern irish/british'.
Question 17 'this question is intentionally left blank go to 18' caused no end of confusion on her part and when i read out "Nan are your day-to-day activities limited because of a health problem or disability which has lasted, or is expected to last, at least 12 months? inclde problems related to old age" she said "no" to which i said "nan you can't fill out the form because your arthritis is so bad i think that counts" to which she said "oh i don't want to make a fuss" and after explaining that it wasn't complaining it was giving the government a true reflection of what the populations needs were and where they should put there money into so actually its a good thing to put those things down she said "well i guess i'm limited a little then, maybe they will phone me about that" .... i doubt they will.
She laughed her head off about the politcial correctness of the same sex partnership question and miscounted the number of rooms in her maisonette. Hilarious, even more so because you aren't really supposed to complete it until the 27th anyway! She told me she thinks a lot of older people will fill it out wrong, i saw a little old lady posting hers today and wondered what it beheld.
I love census' i think they are awesome, we looked online at the ones from 100 years ago to find our relatives and what they wrote, apparently my nans side of the family werent so up on filling out the form properly either because we couldnt find theirs (maybe they wrote their names wrong?), because they are kept private for 100 years this could be how distant relatives find out about you in a centurys time, which is pretty mind blowing, mines not going to put me in a very good light, it'll say that i'm still living with my mother at 25 years old, that i don't have a job and have severe mental health needs, has no children or dependents, isn't married and last worked in 2009 as a sales assistant (because voluntary work doesnt count and there is no where to explain the university stuff) they wont know about me living in america, working as a carer, doing tons of voluntary work, having a long term boyfriend, my work ethic and what i've achieved, they will know my religion but bundled into C of E, Catholicism and all other christian denominations, which to be honest many people will tick out of habit, they will know i have a degree but not what it is in or how well i did in it, it doesnt put me in a very good light if this is all future generations have to go on. I'm going to stay overnight at Nomes' house on the 27th, so she'll have to include me as a visitor on her form, at least that way anyone trying to find out about me in the future will know who my friends were, and really, isn't that the bit you want them to know the most?

Tuesday

2011-03-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know where i'm going with all this, i don't know where i'm going with life in general though so whats the difference? I realised yesterday that i prefer to know where things are going, i like playing games that are kind of repetitive, i don't like the original bit of them when you are still learning how to do things, i like perfecting it and getting the best score i can, i like knowing what to do and what will happen. I dont like how unpredictable life is, i dont like change, i dont like not know whats going to happen in the future or that you can plan it until the cows come home but it never works out that way. Apparently my thing is 'control' i dont like to be out of control, i like driving because i can control my surroundings but i cant control who i will meet when out walking. Control is my security blanket. Theres only so long you can distract yourself until reality returns, turns out ive been distracting myself for 7 years, apparently im quite good at it, but nows its all come to a head and i cant ignore it any longer, its too big, i tried going back into that world last week, seeing Karen and Kayleigh, hanging out with my family, being distracted, on Sunday night it all manifested in the most excruiating headache ive ever known, i felt like my brain needed to pop out through my mouth, apparently you can only ignore things for so long until they physically hurt, i need to work through the grief but when i acknowledged it again it was so overpowering i stood there and wept, i wanted to get down on my knees and weep but i couldnt, i couldnt move from rigidly standing there and weeping, its more of a crushing low once you've been a little higher, longer fall i guess. Alice was downstairs and she let me sleep in her room, im glad she was there im really worried i would have done something extreme if she hadnt been. I really dont know how much longer i can go on like this, somethings got to give

Sunday

2011-02-27T04:56:00.000-08:00

Explain this, yesterday was good - my aunt was spontaneously taking Alfie and Gracie to my nans house to give Claire and Liam a rest, my mum was going round there to help look after them, Alice needed to get new tap shoes but it was raining and she wasnt sure where the shop was, i knew so i drove her there, we headed to my nans on the way back and played with Alfie and Gracie, at some point Nick, Kerry, the twins and max came round too so it was a little chaotic but i felt okay, i felt good, it was nice being around people and Alfie loves having someone who will play crazily with him and Gracie stopped crying when i held her, i love having a little snuggly baby falling asleep on you. Auntie came round for dinner and i cooked and it was all good. Friday was okay too, i forced myself to walk in the morning and sorted somethings out later on and Karen and Kayleigh came round in the evening and we went out to eat and it was great, i was actually surprised i was okay with going out. But today .... hmmm i didnt sleep well, but thats not the reason, i didnt sleep well the other days either. I wasted the morning playing a game on my ipod but i felt like i had to do it, repeative games .... are calming, you just focus on the task at hand, you dont have to think, i offered to wash my mums car but by the time i was ready there was a big black cloud and i figured it was going to rain so i told mum that but i think she thought i was just being lazy, i wasnt, it started rain just after so it would have been pointless doing it then, i think i bashed my mums arm when i sat down because she was all ignoring me and it seems like its more painful to go back down to a low from a bigger height, im now in my room, im so low i can hardly move, i feel like there should be some pattern to this so i can stop it happening but i dont think there is, just when i get to a point where i can cope with living it goes again, im not actually sure if this isnt just how its normal to feel, maybe this is just how life is and i need to suck it up and get on with it or get out of the race.

Thursday

2011-02-24T01:02:00.001-08:00

My mum has an untidy stack of Good Housekeeping magazines on a table overloaded with junk, there's an irony there somewhere. The plant Naomi gave me for Christmas is in bloom, it's lovely, low maintenance, which is a good thing or it wouldn't be here right now, the tiny pots of basil in my room have started to poke their heads through the soil too, with that and the daffodils i guess its spring. I haven't written for so long because i've been hibernating, i've been so tired for the past week i've only struggled out of bed for 8 hours max a day, it's been dark and gloomy so i guess the weather was on my side. Julia thinks its okay to hibernate, she says its things catching up on me, and i'm in a deep sleep now, the doctor thinks i'm lazy, she said i need to exercise and see people, i don't think she understands, can she honestly think thats not what i want to be doing? When i see people it takes so much energy that it completely drains me and i fall asleep, exercise is fine but as soon as i stop theres like a backlog that needs to be repaid and i go into this coma for even longer. I'm not used to not doing anything, i'm normally so busy that i don't have time to think, maybe thats the problem, distraction. I don't want to be here. Because i'm sleeping so much i have lots of dreams, vivid ones, scary ones, they don't seem to be related to my day at all, i guess its better than waking up every five minutes like before, just means i'm missing life. A few days ago i was screaming that i hated my dad to his face, that never happened, it was just a dream but i don't normally dream about him, or when i do it's like my dreams don't realise his been gone for quite a while now, like he is just here with mum like it always used to be and life is going on normally, i guess thats denile, apparently i've been in this stage for 7 years without realising it, i thought i was at acceptance as soon as it happened. I dreamt last night that i was in America, i don't remember the reason why, but not in Kansas, somewhere on the eastern side, and i'd been there a while and thought oh i should probably let Weston know, maybe i could see him, that's how i feel at the moment, i should let Weston know, i should do a lot of things.

Friday

2011-02-11T03:13:00.000-08:00

So i guess this is the situation at the moment, i'm taking a break from uni, i'm supposed to go back in November, i don't have a place to live in November but i'm supposed to go back then, i'm unemployed, i've applied to claim benefits because i have a ton of debt that needs paying off but i'm not able to work, leaving the house is painful i really have to force myself to do it, staying indoors all day is painful, i want to get out doors and get my old life back, but i'm not too sure where its hiding. I'm still pushing people away, but less so, i have bouts and spurts where i have energy and wish i was around people but realise i must look quite a state at the moment and don't really want people to see me like this. I want to go running, i don't know why, i hate running, i get out of breath so quickly but it seems so appealing right now, i want to wake up at 4am and run but i go to bed at 10pm and have trouble pulling myself back out of it at 10am. I don't want to run during the day because i don't want to meet people, i'm ashamed to be back here, i'm ashamed to be in this state, but this is what its come to. I think i'm putting on weight but i don't know for sure, i've never weighed myself and have no reason to start now, but i have exercised in weeks and just about manage to feed myself even though i never feel hungry, i know i must be. I feel guilty from the moment i wake up till exhaustion lets me sleep, i feel guilty that i'm a burden on my mum, that i'm not out earning my own money and looking after myself, that people are worried about me, that i'm causing people distress, that i'm not good enough. I feel guilty that i'm not living up to my families expectations, even more that i'm not living up to God's .... though i'm not sure he exists right now, and more than that mine. I know i expect to much of myself and in doing that i set myself up for failure but whats the point in aiming low? I want to be the best that i can be, but i never achieve it, and knowing that makes me depressed. I miss my dad, i think about him more lately, i assume thats why i'm down, but i don't know for sure, i don't really know the reason. I'm living my life thinking - things will be better when .... but they never are, things are best when i'm looking forward to something, they never live up to my expectations. I think about dying a lot, i wonder if taking all of my pills at the same time would kill me but suspect it wouldn't, i'm sure i would throw them up before they did any serious harm, why would a doctor give a months worth of pills to someone they know is suicidal? I don't really want to do that but its reassuring that its an option, like i have some control left at least, if things got really bad then thats always there. I feel like a failure, people keep telling me i'm not and reminding me of the things i've done but it doesn't matter what people say, i'm not really listening anyway, i'm not the person i want to be. I haven't been happy in so long that i can't remember what it feels like. I'm living but ... i'm just getting through life, i'm plodding along it, i want to be doing backflips along it, enjoying every second, or at least one. Today is a 'one' day, a duvet day as my counsellor calls it, i'm glad i'm alone on one days but i'm not sure it's safe for me to be. I find it much easier to remember to take my pill on one days, i don't know that taking it helps but counting down the hours till i take it gives me hope that tomorrow wont be the same. I want to be busy, i want to be distracted, but i don't have the energy to do anything and i've been distracting myself for so long that i haven't dealt with the underlying cause here, i'm just putting it off and now i can't walk with the weight of it all any longer. I haven't spoken to Weston in so long, i feel so guilty for that, i know i'm making him upset but i can't face it, this just isn't real life, this is a strange little bubble of nothingness.

Monday

2011-02-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

Today i cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. I needed something to distract my mind, to focus my energy on, i need to feel exhausted at the end of the day, thats how i know the day is finished, days where i don't feel exhausted have been wasted in my opinion. I cleaned things that no one ever bothers to clean, but that i notice are dirty, this is why i know no one will notice that i have been cleaning all day, i don't need the recognition, i just need to distract my mind. I had a internal list of things i could do today to keep myself busy but now i sit down to take a break i don't feel satistfied with what i've done, however much i do it wont ever be enough so make me feel satistfied, and it seemed quite clear at t he start of the day that doing this would. I think this is the same with how i feel about my life, i am thinking - i'll be happy once i've done this thing and once i've achieved this, then i'll feel good and satisfied with myself. But i sit down and look back on what i've done and realise that none of it made me feel happy, it didn't bring the satisfaction i thought it would, it just provided me with a distraction so i was okay for that small bit of life and ultimately it made me realise more things i had to do in order for me to feel okay about things. You don't realise how much there is to clean until you start doing it, then you notice 50 other things that need doing, thats what i feel like with life - i didn't realise that i needed to improve this thing until i started doing stuff and that wasn't factored into the bigger plan of how things were going to go. But its made me realise, i dont actually know how to be happy, i dont know what makes me happy and when im told to think of a happy time and take myself back to then .... i dont have one, and im not totally sure that thats just because i cant think of one right now because of the way im feeling, im not sure ive had one, how can i work my way towards something ive no experience of? I feel like there is this cycle of negativity, ive learnt to view things negatively with this sarcastic nature and i cant pull myself out of it so now i cant see the positive anymore, and im really scared i would pass this on to any kids i had, i've always wanted kids, lots of them, but i just couldnt be the reason someone felt like this. You have to wonder whats the point of a life thats just plodding along in this 'its just about okay' level of things, needing a million distractions in order to ward off something worse.

Saturday

2011-02-05T03:30:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a better day, today is not. Yesterday i drove to Cardiff and moved out of my house, i took all my books back to the library and went to see Sue to give her the doctors stuff, i accomplished something. Today i got up late and just started sorting out this room, i'm moving into Eliots old room because there is more space, its disgusting though so it needs a lot of cleaning before i can move anything in here. I was just starting to feel positive about it, about to get the hoover, ignoring the bigger implications of moving back in here, how i would feel once the mission of having something to do was over and my mum comes in and says we need to move the other wardrobe in here, Eliot will need more space than just the little room when he comes back at Easter. Mainly this upset me because it made me realise that i'm not in control of my own life anymore, i can't make my own decisions without them going through my mum or my counsellor first but it also got to me because i was never given lots of space when i came back during holidays, all of my stuff had to be packed up and stored under the bed so it wasn't taken and put in someones loft. Why did this topic have to be brought up now? What was the benefit in that? I already feel like i don't want to be here, i just wanted to create my own little space that i could have some control over, that i could keep nice and would be my resonsibility and no one else could interfere with but now it seems like ill be chucked out of it again as soon as Eliot comes back from uni, i don't want to be here so badly and now i've lost all motivation for my little project, i'm at a new level of low, i really thought that having my own space to be me and to be alone would make things better but .... it wont, there really isnt any solution to this, so whats the point?

Thursday

2011-02-03T01:55:00.000-08:00

I think i only know the day of the week because i am writing it at the top of these posts, i guess i've become slightly out of touch with the real world. I got a message from Weston earlier apologising again for all of this, even though none of this is his fault and doesnt really have anything to do with him at all i guess, although i can see why he may think so, the timing was coincidental. It was more of an explosive compaction of assuming everything would be okay if i could just make it to Christmas, everything would be alright once i got to Christmas, but then i felt the same at Christmas and after Christmas it was worse ... there wasn't any deadline anymore, just, realife. Perhaps you can look forward to something too much, but it wasn't that either, it was resting all happiness on that moment.
My mum took me to see Julia the counsellor on Tuesday, i don't know if it helped, she said grief has 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I'm not sure if this is just bull or whether i actually haven't started to grieve at all because i haven't been through any of these, somehow i seem to be at depression now having skipped a few steps even though i thought i was at acceptance a long time ago, how can it have taken me this long to start to grieve??
This doesn't seem like a very nice thing to be writing on here but the whole point of this thing is to get this stuff out so i'm not thinking them anymore so if reading any of this makes you upset then stop reading,
i'm still in this 'nothings working yet' stage of things, because - nothings working yet, i'm taking the drugs as they suggested and doing this counselling thing and all that jazz but i don't feel any different, i'm not at uni anymore so i don't feel like i'm going to have a heart attack every 5 seconds but i feel exactly the same, i can't see an end to this, its like i'm in a tunnel and the tunnel is life and its completely dark and you used to be able to see what was going on ahead a bit but its totally black now and i'm just stumbling along not knowing what's going on, i lie in bed each night and wish that i was dead, life is actually too painful to cope with and the thought of the future is even worse. Most people say that taking these drugs help them feel better about things, more able to cope with life and stuff ... they may as well be vitamin c tablets because nothings happend. Something has to change soon, i can't live life feeling like this

Wednesday

2011-02-02T01:51:00.000-08:00

I don't really understand what's happened to me lately, if my brain were a computer the only way to describe it to the computer tech would be "i was trying to multi task a bit and i think it overloaded and now its refusing to work" to which the computer tech would ask how many things i was trying to cope with at one time and i would have to answer "Oh not many, i had 42 things running in the background, and was working on these 11 documents whilst looking at these sites ... yes i guess i do have quite a few tabs open, would you call 92 a lot? Oh and norton was scanning ... maybe its a problem with norton?". So i guess its not surprising. I think i need somewhere to mentally splurge all of the things buzzing around in my head, i guess this works better than a diary because when people ask me whats going on i can direct them to here .... its a bit awkward handing someone a diary and saying "here, get yourself up to speed"
This is probably going to be very 'I' centered, which i hate but ... maybe thats what i need right now, stop worrying about everything else and focus on me.
I haven't slept in at least a week, i've actually lost count of the days, well, when i say i haven't slept, obviously i'd be dead if i hadn't actually slept in that long, i haven't had a good nights sleep i should say, i haven't felt well rested, and i haven't been able to relax, although i don't think i've been able to relax in a long time, i'm not even totally sure i know how to relax, that seems like quite a basic thing to be able to do, how did i not learn this when i was a child? Right between learning to talk and learning to read - these two events where actually quite close together for me, there is still debate about whether my sister who is 18 months younger than me may have helped teach me to talk.
I go to bed at between 10 and 11pm, i lay there thinking for an hour or two, then i drift into this turbulant uncomfortable state, i wake up every hour and move about a bit, my pillow has never travelled so much, before this i was dreaming a lot, horrible, terrifying dreams but i was dreaming, now i am now asleep long enough to dream, at 4am i start to feel too hot, theres no reason for this, the heating isn't on and its still winter but after that i don't sleep, i lay there with my eyes shut willing myself to but i don't.
All of this takes up quite a lot of energy, when day finally arrives i'm exhausted already, making myself walk downstairs is a marathon, yet everyone, including myself, thinks i'm lazy, i berate myself for only accomplishing walking downstairs and getting washed in a day but i don't know how i managed to do this all in twenty minutes in the past. I've watched the family of birds in the bush outside of the window for an hour now, i can't focus on it, my mind phases in and out.
In the middle of all of this my friends keep asking how i'm doing, i takes about a week for me to get back to them, i'm normally totally on top of stuff like that, its easier to push people away, its not something i can deal with right now, but not hearing from them would make me feel more lonely, i think i'm waiting for them to give up, like those little wind up cars that you push backwards and they go towards you, but you get to a point where you push them too far away and they don't come back anymore.

Skydiving

2010-07-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

A couple of weekends ago i went to a place called AirKix, indoor skydiving, a huge wind tunnel where you fall into the wind and you fly. It was Awesome, really awesome. The awesomeness wasn't so much the flying though, although that was a lot of fun (although slightly terrifying!) It was how clear my mind felt whilst i was doing it, i've had this feeling before, where one moment you have all of the worries of the world on your mind and then you can only possibly think of this one thing you are doing and its like thats all your brain has room for. It really puts your priorities into perspective. It happened when dad was having the heart attack and i was doing CPR, I didn't panic like everybody else, i knew what i had to do and thats all i could focus on at that moment in time, the rest of the world narrowed into this sort of tunnel vision almost. It happens everytime i have an important exam (not quite so useful in a driving exam where you need to be aware of all of your surroundings!) the adrenaline is pumping and your mind is perfectly clear, only bringing to the forfront the information you actually need at that point in time, if somebody had asked me what the capital of Australia was during that moment i wouldn't have been able to answer you. Although being able to see the bigger picture is important sometimes so you can do the right thing at the right time, sometimes you just don't need to know it, you don't need to worry about things you can't change right now and its much more useful to you to focus on the things that you are doing right now. I guess things are like that with God, we don't know the bigger picture, he doesn't give us that insight because it would be just too overwhelming for us to cope with, we get the here and now to focus on.

How did you get here?

2010-07-08T01:23:00.000-07:00

Last week JD said hi, we spoke about Liam and he asked if i ever felt like one conversation could push someone over the edge into atheism forever. I feel like this with every conversation i have, i truly believe most people around me are one push from the eternal void of atheism, never to return. God trusts us not to make that push though otherwise we wouldn't be having the conversation, He has prepared us for this situation in every step we have taken up until this point. I started wondering how He had affected things and was actually quite shocked at how much He had prepared me for where i am today. Hilary and I used to play this game 'if ..... hadnt happened who would i be now?' where one person names an event in the others life and you have to figure out what the wave of difference would have been as a result of this, this post is pretty much me playing this game with God.

I am a second child, (yes God was planning stuff before i was even born) as such from the moment i was born i looked up to my older sister and wanted to copy what she did, as i got older i wanted to prove myself and beat what she could do. Amy started gooing to Sunday School when she was around nine, I dont know why she started going, my parents didnt take her, maybe one of her friends invited her along. She kept going every week until she moved to university. The rest of us were jealous and wanted to go to, eventally our parents caved in and let us all go, i hated it and soon started begging my parents to let me stay at home. On Sunday mornings we had to go to church parade with the brownies, we sat in a dank dark thousand year old church in out little brownie uniforms and marched a flag up the aisle, sang hymns which mostly we just said 'blah blah' to and tried to stay awake so Brown Owl didnt give us a sharp poke in the ribs, our dad would pick us up from church and take us to Sunday school, my class was a combination of two school year groups, i was the youngest of the five kids in my class, everyone elses parents were part of the Salvation Army Corps, i really didnt feel like i fit in, i didnt know any of the things that these kids had been brought up doing, i'd never had to find a passage in the Bible before, i didnt know that it wasnt really appropriate to wear my mums 'Brown Ale' apron when we did our easter play, i gave up, they were, and are, nice people, but it wasnt designed to let outsiders in. God had opened my eyes to the concept of church but made me realise this wasnt really how it should be done. I had been told God existed, so i believed it, i had no reason to question it, my parents didnt tell me otherwise.

From this brief period onwards i had no connection to the church, i'd left Sunday school, brownies and Guides and so had Sundays free. In secondary school God introduced me to a girl names Susy, she is a Christian, the only Christian in our class, we thought she was wierd but she ended up taken me on as a friend, Susy has influenced the type of Christian i have become and taught me some lessons along the way.

When we were 14 we had to choose which GSCEs we would study for, its actually quite a life directing point when you think about it, choosing your direction of study at such a young age, i chose the subjects i was interested in and Sociology (because Amy had studied it). Sociology was oversubscirbed. They gave me Religious studies instead. I was crushed, i was horrible at RS. When i started the course the next year though we had a young enthusiastic teacher called Miss Gill, we started studying philosophy and she made it interesting, i was hooked, i aced the GSCE and started the A level course in the subject, we started learning about Plato and Aquinas and i started debating against my classmates (if you dont know me well enough, i am quite a shy person, last century i was a million times more so, i wouldnt say boo to a goose let alone argue with someone about philosophy) and strangely my views werent always against God. I started wondering about philosophy and praying, i didnt think it would make any difference but it wouldnt cost me anything. Studying about philosophical ideas, from all perspectives and about all the different religions really drew me closer to God, i really dont think i would have accepted Him if i hadnt, because i simply dont make that sort of decision if i dont know enough about it and dont know all the information available. Many people think teaching children about all religions as well as the scientific theories is wrong and Christian children should go to Christian schools were they are only taught the 'Truths' but i strongly disagree, why segregate the few Christian children away from those in need of saving, maybe it will strengthen their ideas, whilst making them ignorant of the rest of the world, but whose salvation has it cost?

The later God directions you are probably familar with so i will be quick, if Dad hadnt have died i would have been content with England, i wouldnt have studied abroad, i wouldnt have met Jon and i wouldnt have started going to Church again, i wouldnt be saved and i would be encouraging Liam towards atheism when we discuss God, which is quite often, he is very curious. I only had one moment where i felt the Sunday school confusion when i went to Church this time round, one of the first times i met Kami she asked, in the middle of prayer if i remember rightly, "were you brought up in the church?" Now i sort of understand the question now but i really wasnt sure what she meant at the time or what was the 'correct' answer. What does being brought up in the church mean? I nodded because i figured id been to church a few times when i was eight and she seemed disappointed, i later found out she wasnt brought up in the church, i went away thinking ' .... was i brought up in the church?' My parents have never believed in God and never came to church or imposed any kind of belief system on us but somehow i did end up there. So Kami, i think to better answer your question -

i wasnt brought up in the church but i was brought up in God, my Father made sure of that

My little miracle

2010-04-21T11:23:00.001-07:00

I find it hard to trust God, no thats not true, i would trust Him completely of i knew for sure it was actually Him and not just me hoping things would go a certain way. But im starting to notice the difference when i see it. Heres my little miracle, proof that trusting in God, even when it seems ridiculous, is the best thing to do. Back in September i applied to become a csv, ive blogged about it before so i wont repeat myself, and was offered a placement in Luton, everything about it seemed fine but there was something inside me that was saying i had to turn i down, my head was saying it was a great thing to do and i seemed like a God thing - helping the needy, but something was wrong and although my head said it was just me being nervous of things i knew i wasnt that, i prayed a lot about it and asked God why i was too much of a wuss to go through with it, i asked others what they thought, and in the end i turned it down, expecting not to be offered another placement and not being able to give any reason why i had done so which would sound in the least bit sane, in a christian culture its easier to simply say "God isnt in this" but you sound like a fruit loop saying that here, people want a real reason. Well i did get offered another place and it felt right immediately, i knew i would love it even though the thought scared the hell out of me. This is where i am still, all of these months later, still loving every second, more than most of my friends say about their jobs. There was always this doubt in my mind that i had just chickened out the first time though, that God would have had great plans for me there too. Yesterday my housemates were talking about one of their friends, a csv too, at a placement in Luton, who has had such a hard time of it as are her housemates, she explained the situation and after asking a few confirmatory questions i realised that was my original placement, i realised how miserable i would be right now if i hadnt listened to God and how He always knows whats best for us. This morning (after starting work at 10pm last night im due to finish work at 10 pm this evening, getting only one and a half hours of broken sleep after getting nomes into bed at one and getting us both up for uni a couple of hours later) i walked into nomes' room, she peaked out of the covers with a look that said 'four hours sleep wasnt enough!' and gave me the kind of grin that makes everything worthwhile, i dont believe its possible to be sad when there is a grin this wonderful out there. So trust in Him because that is how great His best can be.

God's work

2010-03-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful that God has such a marvellous way of working everything out, especially when it seems like there is no way that it could possibly work out.

I got into Cardiff! i can't remember if i blogged before on the millions of reasons why i almost certainly wouldnt get offered a place but there were many, mainly because i fluffed up the interview and then it just seemed like everything was going against me and it was becoming less and less likely - for example they didnt recieve the reference that Naomi sent off for me and so a replacement one wasnt emailed back to the uni until 11.45pm on Monday night (the day of the deadline). I'd pretty much given up hope that they would even consider my application anymore and was wondering what on earth i'd do now. This may all seem a little dramatic if you consider that i applied to four other universities too but it wasn't until i sent off the applications that i actually crunched the numbers on how much all of this would cost and realised that i really couldnt afford to go to a university in England, there are differences with how the funding is set up and the basics of it are that to do a nursing degree in Wales you get a bursary to live off of that isnt calculated on how much you or your parents earn, if you do a nursing degree in England it is calculated on how much you earn to determine how much you would need to be able to survive. The diplomas in England are calculated in the same way as the welsh degree programmes but since the government are now saying in five years time all nurses will need to have the degree, it seems pointless entering the diploma programme just to be set back in years to come. Originally i assumed this small difference wouldnt make any difference to me, im 24 and at 25 you are counted as a mature student so finances would be calculated from my earnings anyway but of course it is calculated from the age you are when you start the course ... what is more ridiculous is a 'means tested' bursary would be calculated on my mums earnings, even though i have lived by my own means for the past four years, because three of these were at university apparently that doesnt count, you have to have lived for 36 months on your own means, apparently whilst at university i was living off of the government. This is a really ridiculous system because my mum hasnt been able to help support me for like five years, and even if she had i wouldnt have let her give me any money! I paid my own tuition fees and my own rent and used my scholarship money to support myself but the government doesnt take this into consideration, so 'means-tested' means calculating my mothers means from last year, which were higher than usual because she started working full time, and she was getting my dads pension to support Eliot, so basically i'd be classed as a middle range earning student that means the bursary wouldnt be enough to live off of because the government would expect my mum to help with things like rent.

Anyway long rant short this meant that if i went to one of the three English universities i had applied for i would have been too poor to afford food. This is why there was such a high volume of applications to welsh universities for the course and how there ended up being a short list of 900 people at the interview. Plus the fact that Cardiff is one of the best universities in the UK of course.

And of course the most wonderful thing about going there being that i'll be so close to the Elliotts, totally not the reason i chose the uni but a fantastic added bonus. God must have big plans for all of this if He is bringing this all together so nicely, i just can't imagine what they are.

And the other added bonus is that now i can go to Barry and Heathers wedding in September in Cyprus, i'd originally told my mum that i wouldnt be able to go because the uni start dates for english unis are too early but Cardiff starts a week after the wedding, i really dont know why i worry so much that things wont work out when its obvious that God has it all under control.

Now i guess the only things that need to get sorted are finding a car that is within my means (i.e. almost free) so i can drive to placements and wont have to live in the city centre and finding a place to live that isnt horrendously expensive and ideally not in the dorms (because coming home after a 24 hour shift to a student flat full of drunk flat mates who only have an hour of classes at 4pm the next day doesnt seem ideal) but how that is going to be possible when i dont know of any other students in Cardiff and cant afford to rent a place by myself is going to interesting to see how it all works out, but of course i know it will somehow.

Awesomeness!!

Money ....

2010-03-06T12:19:00.000-08:00

Money is a worry, of course it is, i earn £74 a week and that has to last me, it would be shocking if it wasnt a worry i guess. I would very much like to be out of debt though, there are things i would really like to start saving for and putting money into but its just not really happening at the moment, as soon as i think im about sorted with it and know how its going and where its heading something comes up that puts me a million steps back. Its not depressing, its just something i need to be wary of.

I'm not sure about this Jesus guy

2010-02-10T08:03:00.001-08:00

I was speaking to my friend into the early hours of this morning (I'm exhausted now) about a whole set of random things, after a while God came up, it has before and i hope it will again. She said, she wasnt religious but she felt like there is a God and that she had a relationship with Him but she didnt want to go to church because she felt like when she had gone there before they had just been trying to impose their beliefs on to her and she didnt agree with what they were saying, she felt in a way that the church had pushed her further away from having a relationship with God than it had drawn her into one. I almost cried. Now i have to bear in mind here that she was talking about the churches around her town in Germany, but its not a disimilar story from an English persons perspective. Before we started talking about something else she told me that she was a little bit shocked that i hadnt tried to impose my views on to her and just listened to her views and then gave mine without any agenda, i guess i wasnt surprised that she was shocked but i wish i could have been. The most interesting thing that came up was this, she (and i seem to be hearing this a lot) felt certain there was some kind of God, the concept of 'God' and what His motives were she wasnt really sure about (but then its God - how can we ever even pretend to fully comprehend that stuff?) but she didnt really believe in Jesus. This is interesting if you think about it. We are quite able to believe in a power so much greater than us that CREATED a world, a diety above and beyond our imagination quite by definition, we can easily accept the power and as such the punishment that is associated with such a thing. Yet its so hard to believe in Jesus - who, although God, was around in human form (how is it so hard to believe in a 'human' that actually existed?!) and more so that He was the one who brought the saving bit of the story - His the one that made it all good, that saved us all, to not believe in this part of the story is tradegy itself! Its believing that we deserve to be punished and that we will never be good enough without believeing that there is something done to make the world right at the end of the day, something that saves us from all the rubbishness! I wonder if this is because we dont think we are worthy of the saving part, whether we find it hard to believe because we simply think we actually are too bad to be saved and from that point of view nothing will bring us back. Whats more tragic is that she isnt alone in this viewpoint, its actually quite common, where i am and in this point in time at least. People 'feel' Gods presence and when this happens its impossible to deny that He exists so they hold this concept yet they arent getting the full story ......

Grandfather in Heaven

2010-02-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

I've been reading some things by C.S. Lewis, I think i only just understand it, but thats how you learn, he made an interesting point about what we want from God,
When talking about Gods love he suggested that perhaps what we feel we want is love that is more like kindness, a love that wants us to have a good time and doesnt want us to get hurt and would prefer that than to have to teach us lessons that might cause some pain or suffering on our behalf even if its to teach us and model us into what we need to become. We are looking for a Grandfather in Heaven instead of a Father in Heaven, because a Grandfather wants you to have fun and enjoy yourself, but it isnt his job to model you into the person you need to be, he is there for the good times but hands you back at the end of the day, you Father punishes you when you are bad because it will make you better in the long run, He made you and He has a vested interest in making you into a good person, that kind of Love is more than kindness its deeper than that its kindness plus something, maybe its all the types of love put together.

No TV, No Laptop, No Mobile

2010-01-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

It turns out i may have had some idols, well ... let me explain,
I dont mean idols like 'statues of a god that i give offerings to' and i dont mean idols like humans that i worship or think are pretty awesome and follow around all day wanting their signature on a piece of paper. I mean idol in the sense of something that you couldnt give up and that you didnt really need (not like food) and that most probably gets in the way of you and God.

I have a lot of random writing on my bag ... its supposed to be there, it came like that, that was its design, it supposed to look cool, anyway you cant really figure out what half of it says because its kinda all over the place but one bit says something about being in a peaceful place with no tv no laptop no mobile, which does seem kinda peaceful, for a short period of time a least. However i didnt realise those things were my idols and that i really should spend time without them to really get 'inner peace', i doubt this was the purpose of the bag its just a coincidence but its strange that that should be written on there in a kinda cool way.

Anyway, it seems you dont realise these things for what they are until you dont have them anymore and you realise what a strong hold they have over your life and your actions, how much of a hold they have over your day, what your do and the time you waste on them. Before Christmas my laptop broke down, now this is quite inconvient because i do actually need it for some stuff, not least to talk with everybody who is either not in the same country as me at the moment or not specifically in this town which is pretty much my whole list of friends and family, also things like internet banking get kinda difficult when you cant get onto the internet! I do realise however that i screw about on the computer a lot and i really dont need to be on here as much as i am when i have the accessibility to do so. Its been a bit of a struggle not being able to check my emails and facebook 20 times a day but it turns out i can survive without it! I think the addiction is passing.

Just after Christmas O2 were mucking about with my phone contract, it had been up for renewal and i wanted to switch to pay as you go but keep my number .... help centres in India do not make this an easy process and once the old sim card was finally disconnected so was the new one, so i had no phone either, this isnt so much of a biggy because i rarely use my phone but you realise how much you use it for other things as soon as you dont have it, i dont have a watch or an alarm clock because i have a phone .... i dont have anybodies phone numbers written down or memorized because i have a phone, ditto addresses. Now i have the thing sorted out, i think, and i have the line working again but i've just stopped using it really - obviously its useful for the clock and stuff but who am i texting? I think the £10 credit i have on there will last quite a long time now.

No TV, im used to this one, i havent had a tv in quite a few years now, however i did have DVDs and iplayers, well i have 2 DVDs now but watching them on a communal DVD player is an interesting concept and i have no laptop so no iplayer, we have a communal tv and i realise that i dont really need to watch anything that on it, the addiction to watching random rubbish was broken a while back, seeing endless reruns of friends and two and a half men is just a time filler, there are a few programmes that i would like to watch but we never watch them and they are the kind of thing i would catch up with on the iplayer if i could, so there doesnt seem like a lot of point watching tv.

Which brings me to a interesting question - what do you do with your day?
I dont have uni work anymore, my friends are scattered all over the place
It seems like (not in a depressing way) i now have a lot more time on my hands, preoccupying yourself all day with the internet and stuff is just a time filler, it keeps you busy and passes your time, but what are you willing this time away for?
Dont get me wrong, this isnt a depressing thing, its a good thing and in a weird way im glad its happened because its freed me in some way from the holds of ... monotony, i just thought it was an interesting thing, a kind of flash back to what it would have been like back in the day before these things were invented. Now you read more, you socialise with the people around you - in the real world not a virtual one, you open your eyes to the world around you, see nature, see what needs to be done, you work still, you make a list of the things you need to do everyday and you actually have time to get them done and at the end of the day you steal someone elses computer and catch up on all the things you have missed and realise the less you use the internet, the less you need it.

Trumpets

2010-01-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

I'm reading Sophie's World again, well not 'again' in the sense that i've ever actually finished the book in the past but more in the sense that i've started it a ton of times and haven't reached the end yet because -
a. I'm a slow reader, and
b. Philosophy, in my opinion, can only be read in small portions because you need time to reflect on what you have read so that your brain doesn't explode, and lets face it this book is thousands of years of philosophical thought compacted down into 400 pages so there is a lot to take in!
I'm about half way through, past socrates, descartes, aristole, plato, they've just given the very brief low down on Jesus and then Alberto Knox said something about the trumpets sounding and war cries and i realised that i'd never understood that before, when i read about trumpets in the Bible i think ... cool music - celebrations and worship, it never even crossed my mind to think 'trumpets sounding signalling troops going into battle, a way of telling everyone to attack' How strange that is, now he also points out that Jesus had a cool way of changing the meaning of these old fashioned phrases and perhaps thats something He did there but its still kinda weird that i didn't put two and two together. But anyway now i'm trying to think of situations were that phrase is used and maybe i didn't get the right meaning the first time round, like 'praise Him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise Him with harp and lyre' i figured that was just like ... play music and worship Him, but is it supposed to be 'go fight for His name'?

Any insights?

Journal Day Five

2009-12-16T04:41:00.000-08:00

Today i went to the leisure centre and joined in with the aqua aerobics class, it depleted some of my excess energy and it was pretty fun, i think the other ladies didnt like me being there quite as much because im the youngest person there by quite a long shot and most probably the thinnest but im definately the most uncoordinated. When i go back someone had locked the door so i couldnt get in ... not good because it was raining, the nurse was coming to train me to use the hoist and my hair was still wet from swimming, eventually (after much prayer) Yirang heard the door and opened it, i had time to change before the nurse got here, just for her to show me a couple of pictures of what not to do, give me a certificate and leave ... i felt a little bit cheated considering she was supposed to be the hoist expert i thought she was at least going to show me how the hoist should be used!! Oh well, ill read the manual i guess *shakes head* Its supposed to snow tomorrow, and im a little nervous about Christmas an everything thats going to happen, im really trying to put it all in Gods hands and have faith in Him to provide but its really hard to do sometimes, baby steps, baby steps

Day Four

2009-12-15T07:41:00.000-08:00

Today i feel a little low, i felt a little low the other day but i felt better once i had worked out at the gym .... maybe i need to expend some of this 'stress energy', i think ill go swimming tomorrow morning, i want to swim ... eurgh, i need an aim .... i need to book on to this online course and find a church, find some things to get involved with, to take up my time and give me a purpose, im starting to worry about things again which isnt good, i think when im so busy i dont have time to worry about anything so im happier, even though i complain about being so busy, i never realise that until im not busy anymore ....
SO! Lets plan some stuff! Lets get busy again!

Journal Day One

2009-12-13T03:10:00.000-08:00

Sophie's Journal Day one

I arrived in Loughborough, Literally i got off of a plane on thursday, took all of my clothes out of my suitcase on friday, washed them all and then put them all back in the suitcase, got the train on saturday morning and arrived here at around 2 in the afternoon, Yirang met me at the train station and helped me find my way to the house, Yirang is lovely, she helped me take my stuff up to my bedroom (Her and Elena are sharing the bedroom on the third floor at the moment because the one next to mine has a mold problem) She showed me the rota, helped me set up my wireless, made me a cup of tea, organised a meeting with the hoist expert for me. Yeah shes pretty cool. When i got to the house Naomi, Flo, Elena and Pao were there, they all seem nice, Flo unfortunately was on her way to the train station, she was flying back to Costa Rica, I am taking over from her, Pao and Naomi were travelling in to London for the night to meet up with some friends, so i spent the evening hanging out with Elena and Yirang, we went to the shop and got some food and Elena seems to have eaten the majority of hers already, i have no idea how she is still so skinny, but i guess it was pretty healthy food, then we watched tv. It was nice, really relaxing, not really what id expected i guess.

When i was lying in bed that night i started to think about how God was looking out for me, let me get something straight here - i was terrified of this whole situation before i got here, hey i was still terrified on the train, but as soon as i met Yirang i felt this sense of calm, and then i was okay, isnt that strange? I pretty much only came here because thats what i felt God was telling me to do, God knows me, He knows that if there is any other option i will probably wimp out and take it instead of doing the hard thing which he is asking me to do, So pretty much things seem to go like this, things are orchestrated so that not doing this thing would be much worse than doing it. Like in second year going in to the final year of uni was the worse thing that could happen to me the thought of it made me feel sick and i really had no peace with it at all, and God used that as a way to make me go to Kansas so that i would finally see Him. When i got back to England i could suddenly cope with being in the final year, i finally had peace with it. Then that year doing the dissertation was the scariest thing ever, the one i had been given i just couldnt see how it was going to work (and it turns out it wouldnt have) i really had no peace on it at all and i was freaking out big time, so i asked to change subject and miraculously it worked out - i got this awesome subject, that i actually did some great stuff with, i got a great result and degree because of it, i got a great project tutor, but the point is, i physically couldnt have not changed, if i had been okay with the subject i had and God had said to me - you need to change it, it will be better if you do - i dont think i would have been able to. Well moving here was like that, i was so depressed before i went to Manhattan for those few weeks, i had no job and no prospects, i really didnt feel that i could do anything, and i wonder if i hadnt been a christian at that time what would have happened. Anyway, when i came back i was pretty nervous and was considering not coming but the thing is what else would i have done? I would have gone back to being the person i was before, no job and no prospects, i physically couldnt stay were i was, so i had to listen and go, i realise it isnt a test of faith when you have no option whether to go or not, but i wonder if its a progression up to that, baby steps, as i dont have the foundations yet, maybe if id grown up with this or always been around people who knew God then i would be able to see that when God asks you to do something He always provides, but i dont know that for certain yet ... so maybe this is an introduction into that?

I was also thinking this - before i left i was thinking i really dont get along with English girls that easily, i get on with some English girls just fine but they are a few special ones, i get along with english guys just fine ... dont ask me why. So the thought of being stuck in a house with 3 other random girls was kinda daunting, but God provides and He knows me, the other 3 girls in the house are all international, Columbia, South Korea and Germany. I feel like God has prepared me to be around international people, my friends throughout uni have been for various places around the globe - Egypt, Hong Kong, the Philipines, India, China, then i go abroad and i am an international student - so i know how it feels to be away from your homeland and i make more friends from various countries - America, Australia, Czech republic, Germany, France, Italy, Mexico, Peru, so God was preparing me for this before i could have even imagined it would happen, which makes me wonder what he is preparing me for in the future that i cant even imagine happening yet? Why am i being introduced to all of these nations now? is there something in that? or is this so that i can sympathise with people from around the world and know that He is doing great things everywhere?
It seems like all of the things i was worrying about He has already sorted out for me, what will i do in my spare time? Elena mentioned going to the gym with her - which ive been wanting to do for ages but have never had anyone to go with, ive wanted to learn more about theology since i got back from the states but never had anytime, it seems like some of the others are doing courses in various things so maybe this is the ideal opportunity, im not a fan of cooking but it seems like neither are the others, i was worried about whether i should go to church today or whether i should wait in and see what everyone else is doing because its just my second day and they might wonder where i went - i prayed and gave it to God and said if its meant to be you will guide me and show me where to go and if im not supposed to go this week then you will make that so, well i dont know where the key for the door is ... so i cant actually get out of the house until i see one, so i guess God answered that question for me. Naomi got a pet snake last week, this wasnt a worry but it made me laugh that it managed to escape already, twice in fact, they found it again once but then it escaped again and is now on the loose in the house somewhere, ive not seen it but i guess it will turn up eventually.

Im not homesick, but i am still a little nervous, but i know this is normal, i just need to get to that point like i did when i moved to America where things were okay again, and then eventually better than they were ever before, i can wait for that.

Weston

2009-12-02T08:04:00.000-08:00

When Weston dropped me off at Hilarys apartment last night he waited until id got in before he drove away, i love that he does that, im not sure whether he is checking i am safe (these are the dangerous streets of Manhattan after all!) or whether he doesnt really want to leave, but it makes me feel special. I think that a lot about the things he does, and as im pretty sure no one reads this blog anymore im gonna write down some of these things so that i dont forget when im old and cynical.

I love that he will happily wear holey socks and that he doesnt mind people knowing it, i love that he doesnt mind that i joke about that fact. I love that he rates how well his days go on whether he got to hang out with me and whether he ate cookies, a great day includes both. I love how adorable he looks first thing in the morning when he has just stumbled out of his bedroom, wearing his glasses and his hair is sticking up in various different directions. I love that sometimes when we are deciding something he will say exactly what im thinking. I love that he can spend 40 minutes in Asda choosing a dessert, i love that that fact doesnt bug me, i love that the waitress will come back to our table three times before we are ready to order but from then on he could tell you most of the menu before we even set out to the restaurant, i love that he cares so much about the decisions he makes that he will take that time and not rush in to things, it reassures me that anything he does involving me will have been carefully thought through that he is definitely sure about, that he wont turn around later and say he acted rashly and regrets his decision. I love that he is so crazy smart but that he doesnt even think so tell anyone. I love that i feel so safe when his driving, i love that he doesnt do stupid things to show off and i love that he says "i probably shouldnt turn around will you describe it to me" when i look out of the back window of the truck and point out the most amazing sunset. I love that he takes detours to show me houses with awesome Christmas lights. I love that when we bump into somebody he knows they already know who i am even though ive never met them before, i love that he beams whenever i hold his hand and i love that i believe him when he says 'its going to be okay' when im ridiculously nervous about something. I love that he is the only person i have met that i can spend every minute of the day with and not feel like i have to get away and be on my own for a while because they are driving me insane, i love that after spending five days hanging out together i felt a pang of missing him when we had been apart 10 hours (8 of which were spent sleeping), i love that i dont care how pathetic that sounds. I love that he listens so carefully to what i say, even though most of the time its irrelevant waffle, i love that he didnt complain for a second when i asked him to help me move all of my stuff in a shopping cart while he was on his vacation and that we actually sat down and laughed at how funny it was once we had finished. I love that he ate the cottage pie i made him that looked like disgusting mush and i love that he said it tasted delicious. I love that i dont feel silly jumping in puddles or leaves or rolling in the snow when he is around because his doing exactly the same thing and that we are both grinning like loons at the people walking by. I love that he loves bacon, maple syrup and cheesecake as much as i do, i love that there is this beaming light thing that surrounds him that makes people want to love him, i think its a knowing Jesus beam. I love that the list of things i love about Weston is so long i cant fit it all into this post.

2009-11-30T07:52:00.000-08:00

My eyes arent always on Jesus, sometimes i forget about Him altogether, things get in the way and i constantly go back to my old way of dealing with things .... that doesnt work but i feel like there should be comfort in going back to it, even though there isnt. Im not good at change although i would like to change this. Most of the time i feel down but i think i only feel time when i am down, happy moments fly by way too fast. Im never smart enough, but ive stopped caring, sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. When im depressed i become even more introverted and im pretty sure people interpret that as me being cold or mean or angry at them, which makes them cold, mean and angry towards me, which makes me more depressed. Sometimes i lay and watch the ceiling for hours, i sleep a lot, i have no clue what my purpose in life is but im pretty sure im not reaching it, in fact im probably making things harder for me to attain my goals. I have strong opinions but im scared of other peoples reactions so i rarely voice them, i dont like being a sheep but sometimes life is easier that way. I hate cowardice but i am the biggest coward there is, so yes, i guess i hate myself, does it make you feel better that even though i dislike you i dislike myself to a greater extent? Probably not, hate is such a personal thing that if somebody hates you it really matters very little if they hate someone else at the same time, that has little relevance to your existance, survival of the fittest - reasonate a trait that causes you to live longer and reproduce more and it will hang around longer, being 'likable' should stop you getting eaten by your own people, being hated by somebody would not be a good thing yet knowing somebody else is hated may only increase your chances of survival. I sometimes have dark dreams, ive been having them a lot recently, which causes me to wake up in the night a lot, which causes me to be grouchy in the morning, last night i was running from an angry old lady who bit my arm and took a chunk of flesh out of me she then sunk her teeth into my leg until the blood drained out of me and i passed out, i woke up and for a moment thought i was dead but realised death looked a lot like Hilarys spare room, im not sure why i wasnt happy when i realised. Its strange that happiness and a lack of it arent things that you can switch on and off, when someone says 'snap out of it' you cant just decide not to be sad anymore, its just a thing that is, you can change your circumstances but that often doesnt change the bigger picture, yet happiness is as contagious as a yawn and unfortunately so is unhappiness. When you hear other people say these things do you think 'ill pray for them' and maybe you will and maybe you will forget to, are you also thinking .... im glad thats not me.

The Bible - a good read!!

2009-11-23T04:55:00.000-08:00

I didn't really intend to be on Hilary's laptop at 6.40am on a Monday morning, I intended to be sleeping ...

I've been reading the Bible .... properly reading it, not just reading the verses that comfort me on specific topics, reading it front to back, i gave my life to Christ like a year and a half ago now and im only just getting round to actually reading the Bible ... im a bad person, i know that, but there are a lot of bad people in the Bible (even if im only just now finding out) it seems like God intentionally uses us lot that constantly fall short to do stuff to glorify Himself (i guess because then its obvious its Him, how could it have possibly been this incompetent fool?!) maybe its because everyone falls short so He has no 'great' people to work with so doesnt have a choice? Whatever the case is im glad im a part of it, im realising that God uses me to affect the lives of other people when i do small and seemingly insignificant things that He asks me to do. This shouldnt be a surprise, it happens throughout the Bible (well as far as ive read up to anyway!) The way things go seems to be this - God says 'do this' the people / person says 'but ....' then either do it or dont do it ... good things happen when they do it, so the question is - why do we still question Him? why do we still not / even think of not doing it? surely past experience / other peoples experiences should show us that this is the only way to be doing things? yet i am constantly saying 'umm God im not sure i want to be doing that, i have this other plan ... i think im going to do that instead' first off, this statement struck me as being ridiculous the moment i wrote it down, Im saying to GOD that my plans are better than His ..... that just proves how dumb i am compared to Him. Second off, it seems im not alone, not even just in this generation of people that we recognise are screwing things up at the moment, not even just the last couple of generations, all generations have had doubts, the Bible is pretty much built on people that were totally inadequate (in our eyes at least) people you wouldnt pick in a million years to do that task, people that werent holy, didnt even have to know God at the time of said event happening, didnt have to know a whole lot about Him if they knew anything and when asked to 'go!' reply '.... but ....'. Thats why the Bible is so relevant, even now, God is still asking us to do things for Him glory, and we are still doing bad things and questioning Him, i can relate to these people, i can relate to Moses when he said that he wasnt the best person to be talking to the big boss of Egypt because he stammered and he had doubts over his own abilities, of course he did, God wouldnt have pick Him if he could actually have done that task without Gods help would He!!! That would be pointless, every thing that happens seems to go right back to this point 'its God doing it and people who witness this need to be in no doubt that this is Gods work, not anybody elses'

A couple of other things have stood out to me so far (i only just finished reading Ruth so ill update you with anything new that strikes me as soon as Jesus enters the picture!)
God really cares about every detail of our lives, theres like a whole book with specific instructions of how you should live, not just the ten commandments but a whole ton of other stuff too and then some pretty specific instructions of how these things should be built and how these offerings should be made, it seems like God cares about it all
Like i wrote before - God isnt just using those people who were born into the right family, he uses the foreigners too, everyone can be used it doesnt matter if you grew up in the faith of not and it seems like those 'foreigners' are more willing to do what God says ... they just do it, they dont question as much, which is strange because ... they dont know about God ... yet they know it is Him and they know they should do what He says .... seems like the nonforeigners should know this so much more. Which i reckon is why people accept God when they do see Him, it totally goes against all reasoning to do it but you just have to ... you cant not.
And also God uses the little people to accomplish big things, sometimes i feel like Ruth, ive gone to a new place and taken the God of Israel as my God and im just milling along doing what i do, not thinking that God is using my footsteps in anything His doing. But then you get to the end of the book and it says Ruth had a child and youre like aww good on her and then you look down at the generations that result from this and you think wait ... if it hadnt have been for Ruth then there wouldnt have been a David?? There wouldnt have been all the generations that came from that??? there wouldnt have been all of this future awesomeness that was to come? OH geez! She wasnt just this insignificant person who was just doing what she was doing ... she had a crucial role ... but she was just doing it.

Well im sure i had more things that were whirling about in my head but i need to start writing them down because so many things strike me when im in the moment, so much realisation but i dont always remember it all afterwards - kinda like the people of Israel i guess ... they got told not to build idols and stuff but they didnt remember it ....

Thanks for reading, feedback welcome!

2009-11-04T09:19:00.001-08:00

Money, Money, Money?

2009-11-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

What would be the most awesome thing ever? What would make you happy? Are the answers to these questions the same or are they not even connected?
I know a lot of people wont agree with me but most of the time the things that make me happy are free or cost very little but then i dont really care about posessions, i pretty much just own what i need (I'm okay with being abnormal). Somebody buying me a pair of brightly coloured socks will cheer me up whenever i see them, so has the potential to provide years worth of happiness, an expensive pair of shoes probably wont get worn for fear of ruining them and the fact that they wont get worn (which is really the essence of their being) saddens me. Planting a seed and watching it grow provides all of the same excitement i got when i grew cress seeds in a yoghurt pot when i was four, paying somebody else to maintain our garden, although providing someone with an income, brings me little joy. Spending hours making somebody a birthday present, which not only shows them how much i care about them as a person aswell as being able to make it personal to them whilst putting a little bit of my soul into it, although it takes more time, enery and effort brings me so much more happiness than buying someone something. Christs love is free to anybody that wants it, the ultimate gift - salvation is free. Which brings me to the conclusion that truly the best things in life are free, but perhaps only in monetary value. Putting time and effort, energy and love, commitment and dedication into someting brings you more happiness than putting money into something does, when you put all of these things into my seed you get a beautiful tomato plant that you feel proud of whenever you make soup from the fruits (literally) of your labour, putting these things into your homemade present (whether its for a birthday or 'just because') makes your feel rewarded at the end, putting all of these things into your journey with God reaps its own rewards. Perhaps a 'spending spree' should be to spend your time on something worthwhile, 'giving to charity' should be giving your time to a worthwhile cause. I'd have swapped 'pocket money' for some one on one time with my parents any day of the week. There are so many better gifts than money.

2009-10-30T07:30:00.001-07:00

2009-10-29T16:10:00.001-07:00

Thank the earth AND the heavens

2009-10-26T02:24:00.000-07:00

Last week i was feeling really down, to be fair it had been a really crummy week, i dont really want to go into all the reasons because i dont want to feel depressed again but trust me the feeling-down-ness was justified. Today starts a new week though, and this week will be better than the last, it would be hard for it to be worse! As i was clearing out stuff (there is just tons of 'stuff' in my life at the moment ... most of it has no purpose and i wonder if clutter is half the problem) yesterday - email stuff - and deleting all the old junk i have that i dont really see why i didnt delete at the time ... what was i holding on to this old rubbish for? (perhaps this is a reflection of life? how i am holding on to old vices which serve no purpose and need to be cleared out? if i had done it straight away when i got them it would take much less effort now!) Anyway whilst i was sifting though the junk i found some brilliant pieces of memory that cheered me up, things people had said to me in the past that were still relevant now - words of encouragement, thanks and love. I guess i had just forgotten they had been said, perhaps i was crying out for someone to say these things to me now but everyone was thinking ... ive told you that before surely she remembers??? Perhaps they werent so relevant at the time but they were given then to serve a future purpose? Who knows, the point is that the things you do today will keep affecting people, not just now but further in the future too, good and bad, we tend to think that its only the bad things that we do that will continue to work in the future but its the good too, and its not just because they will re-read it in an email in a few years time when they are having a massive cull, the praise you give someone today will encourage them to do that action again in future, you are helping to build upon their life. As humans we need to be praised, we need to be encouraged and most of all we need to feel that we belong and have a purpose. I think most of the time we assume that people 'get' that we appreciate them without us needing to say it, maybe its embarrassing to do but they dont, they need those words. Im not only talking about children here - sure children need encouragement and praise to mould them into moral adults but that need doesnt stop when they hit eighteen.

People had been praising God since the world was created and He turned out pretty well!

My point is treat people like the kin of Jesus that they are - thank and praise them too

Life is scary

2009-10-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am constantly scared, not of anything in particular, more just of life. Normal things that 'normal' people are scared of, spiders, snakes, the dark, the thought of rats nibbling at your feet whilst you are hand cuffed to a wall unable to get away, im not scared of (okay maybe im a little scared of that last one) but life in general terrifies me. I'm a wuss and i admit it, *stands up* my name is Sophie and i am a wuss (the first step is admitting it, right?). I sometimes wonder if this 'wussyness' (for want of a better word) holds me back from doing the things God has planned for my life, if He told me to go a ghetto somewhere and stand up and tell people about Jesus would I do it? (actually that thought doesnt scare me so much, now the thought of going and talking to people of my own age or older with a similar or higher level of educational background in a respected institution, THAT scares me, although i know it shouldnt). Would i pretend i hadnt heard? Would i hide? (probably and probably) Would God ask me to do something that i was scared of doing? (maybe) Would God ask me to do something that He hadnt prepared me to handle? no, so why am i scared? If i know God will prepare me for anything He asks me to do, and i know He wouldn't ask me to do anything i couldnt do and i know God is in it and God created and looks after the whole of the universe .... why am i scared?

I think the reason is this - maybe its not God asking me to do it, maybe i'm wrong, how do i know? God doesnt get things wrong, but i do, i do a lot, i constantly let people down and dont live up to expectations, my report card on life could be 'tries but could do better'. Thats all i can do though ... try ... and ... ask for help,

Is is possible to ask for help too often from God?

Running through my mind

2009-10-08T00:58:00.000-07:00

They have been away for a while but the strange dreams are back, this was last nights

You (the dreamer) are running along a road, running at a pretty decent speed, you're feeling good about things because you are making good time, there is just the 'thud thud thud' of your feet on the tarmac, no cars or distractions around. After a while you get to a y shaped intersection, the road has finished and you need to choose one of these directions to take, you pause for a moment but realise its quite obvious which direction you should take, one road is very dark and the other is brightly lit so you keep on running (like the song), the next fork in the road you get to you meerly slow down to a jog, you have learnt from before and are following the light. You keep running following the light each time and not even needing to stop to think, you know what you are doing and you feel quite pleased with yourself, things seem quite straightforward. The road seems to get a little bit bumpy, and you wonder how you didnt see this coming (hadn't you been watching the road ahead?) you find yourself going up and down pretty steep hills, the journey upwards is really hard going but its a great view at the top (a great surround sound, you dont have a camera though which is disappointing because you would like to save this feeling for later when you arent so busy) the way down the hills is easy going but you could almost mistake it for being dark down here, you wonder if you've gone the wrong way, been lead off the track but you realise your view is affected by the hill you just climbed. Back on the straight and narrow you are running again, that little hiccup is long behind you and you are speeding along until you find yourself in total darkness, you stop, turn around and wonder what happened, you know this isnt right so you look back, to try and figure out where you had gone wrong, there is a HUGE flashing arrow shaped (lit up with lightbulbs) sign pointing to the brightly lit side road, its much smaller than the road you are on but it seems so obvious looking back, how did you miss that? You decide to slow down a bit, retrace your steps and follow the arrow. This road is really quite tiny and after a while it turns from smooth tarmac to cobble stones, not easy going on your feet, then it turns to dirt, a dirt track that seems like very few people have walked before, there is only one persons foot steps to follow and you start to have second thoughts, you look back wondering if you have gone the wrong way again, was the dark road better than this? Did you miss another turning? But things are quite clearly bright here, brighter than they have been at any other part of your journey, you are sure this is the right way, it just looks hard going, treading carefully you carry on, very prepared to hop it in the other direction if anything goes wrong, the path gets even harder, climbing on all fours, leading you into a forest which looks kinda dark, you are really scared, the trees are blocking out some of the light that was guiding you, making it really cold too. After a while of struggling you have serious second thoughts, you stand for a while. Then you realise, standing in the scary place isnt a good place to stand, why didnt you stand longer in all those bright warm places? Why were you so eager to speed on?? You are cold and weary but realise you are fully equipped to deal with the situation, you have a jumper and are wearing hiking shoes, you just need the right attitude, you look ahead and decide not to let the darkness bother you, there are spots of light that break through the shade the tree has given, you hop between them (like a child playing hop scotch), keeping your focus on them, before you know if you are out of the forest in the bright open landscape again, it looks so much more beautiful for having been away for a while, you take a moment and look how far you have come, the steep jagged journey looks so much worse from this angle, you are a little taken a back that you actually made it, you cant understand how you did that, you decide to walk slower for the rest of the journey, you start to enjoy the heat from the light on your back, whereas before you had been trying to run from it, you find yourself walking with someone else, you were running away from them before, yet they had been ahead, you guess it was there footprints and you are quietly thankful although you'll never let on.

*shrugs* Any ideas?

Joy

2009-10-02T10:51:00.001-07:00

Just when you get really really down God shows you how great he is to remind you to ALWAYS put your faith in Him.
My facebook status this morning was 'Sophie is feeling really emotional' and now it is 'Sophie is yelling hallelujah, God is SO awesome' What a change of focus, from me to Him. Let me put this in context so you can rejoice with me. This morning i had to phone my placement lady to tell her that i really didnt think i was suited to the placement she had given to me, i had to go through what seemed like extensive reasoning for why i didnt think it was right (the story of the placement is one for another time, the basics though are that there was something that didnt seem God given in it and it made me really emotional and stressed out just reading the profile, id asked a number of people for prayer on the task ahead because i often wonder if these things are just me being a wimp but i really feld like God was not leading me in this direction so i had to phone the lady and let her know - she didnt seem overly happy and it lead to a long painful conversation about my dad and such - eurgh). Well i had asked for the day off of work today to get some things sorted out as im working this weekend and have been working all of the week so far and after finding no solice in music i headed to the town to put my wages in the bank, after almost leaving the town i turned around and walked back to the sweetshop (the only place that sells Reeses peanut butter cups in Enfield), i guess this was because chocolate generally serves the purpose of cheering me up, however God working in peoples lives cheered me up so much more. On the way i saw someone ahead of me grinning like a cheshire cat and waving at me, when i got almost within punching distance i realised it was my cousin Kieran, he looked so healthy and happy - something i havent seen him look like in five years. Kieran started smoking some bad stuff after my dad died back in 2004 he was arrested by the police for selling drugs on to others and narrowly escaped going to a young offenders institution, a couple of months ago he moved out of his mums house and moved into his dads house (his mum and dad split up a little while before and his dad spends around 6 months of the year working on oil rigs off of Scotland so Kiers is left home alone during that time). People have been trying to get him to give up the drugs for a while but its hard to get someone to stick to something they dont actually want to commit to themselves. My cousins when on holiday last week with Kierans dad, spending a week in Cyprus, obviously he couldnt take anything out of the country with him so he has gone cold turkey since then, he told me when he got back his 'friend' gave him 'a special' and he had a really bad trip, he thought he was going to die, his dad (who luckily was there) was ready to rush him to the hospital, this scared the crap out of Kiers. The next day he decided he needed to get away from all of this mess, he went round to his mums house and begged her for forgiveness for all the stuff he'd put her through, we went to see our nan yesterday and God lead us together today. He came back to ours (he asnt been round in a LONG time) and we chatted for hours, he told me how he thinks he needs to get away from his old friends and find a job to keep him distracted because his going cold turkey at the moment, his also going through all the things that he was trying to avoid by taking the drugs in the first place, so so much hurt. I havent seen him thinking this clearly in so long, we were having intellectual discussions again, we talked about life, why certain things happen and whats happening next.

It was so good to have him back, this is going to be so hard to stay with though, he really will need prayer and support to make it through, please pray for him.

Who drew on my satsuma?!

2009-10-01T01:42:00.001-07:00

View

2009-09-30T02:21:00.001-07:00

Surely this should be the view everybody sees at work

John 4

2009-09-20T05:01:00.000-07:00

I'm reading John at the moment, im not sure why, i just felt compelled to. A couple of things have struck me so far but the one that has made me think the most is this

"Now, Jesus knew well from experience that a prophet is not respected in the place where he grew up. So when he arrived in Galilee, the Galileans welcomed him, but only because they were impressed with what he had done in Jerusalem during the Passover Feast, not that they really had a clue about who he was or what he was up to."

Thats from The Message, KJV says -

"For Jesus himself testified, that a prophet hath no honour in his own country. Then when he was come into Galilee, the Galileans received him, having seen all the things that he did at Jerusalem at the feast: for they also went to the feast" John 4:44-45

How true is that? People who knew you when you were young have a hard time accepting that you've grown (something that has become very apparent since Eliot has had a growth spurt, everyone feels the need to tell him how little he used to be and how they cant believe how tall his got). They have an even harder time accepting that you've changed. A couple of months ago for a psychology self development course i was taking i had to get a selection of people to fill out some questions about my personality and then they were cross matched with my perceptions of myself. Some people who filled it out i have only know for the past five years or so, some have known me all my life. There was a stark contrast on one question that screwed up all of the data "Rate how confident you believe Sophie is on a scale of one to ten" Simple enough surely? The people that have known me five years or less gave me a score of around seven, the people who have known me since i was a child scored me on average two. Its quite likely that i was a 'two' when i was ... two, but few people who didnt know me at that age believed that.

Sure the Galileans have a whole lot more to get their heads around here, this guy that they knew when he was a kid is now performing all these miracles and saying he was sent from heaven and they're thinking 'wait wait wait, dont we know your mum and dad? arent your Josephs boy? and you expect us to believe this?'

I wonder if this is what makes it so hard for our families to accept that we know Jesus, when we didnt before, i know my family find it especially hard to accept the change and are angry really more than anything. But i get the sense that if i were to move to a new town where nobody knew me things would be a whole lot easier, and people would accept me from the start for who i am.

More updates

2009-09-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

Lets see ... a small update is in order i feel, so here goes

I phoned the university so check up on the application, as they hadnt got back to me, Stephen said i didnt get accepted onto the course, because there werent anymore spaces left, but advised me to re-apply next year or in february for the three year long programme.

After a morning of extreme moodyness caused by this news and the lack of reply in the first place (it seems like it would have been quite easy to have emailed me this response a week ago) i figured mopeing wasnt getting me anywhere and decided to do something more productive. An hour or so of trawling through graduate job vacancies made me adament that if there is anything i really dont want to do it is any of these graduate jobs, which by the looks of things have absolutely no purpose to them. What i really want to do is the darn course i applied for, and the jobs that result from that, but i cant get any of the jobs because i dont have the qualification or experience, oh what a tangled web we weave. So i gave up and started looking at how i could claim benefits instead (defeatest attitude i know) and stumbled across volunteering in the health/social care field, which at first seemed a little implausible because id still need an income to survive on but with further research the advantages to it keep on unravelling, full time volunteering for 12 months - that would take me up to next year when hopefully i would have a place on the course, it would give me the experience to ensure that i was one of the top people chosen for the course in the first place, they place you in a setting away from home but somewhere else in the UK - i love my family but im at the point in life (like many other graduates) where i cant live at home anymore, im past that point, i can fend for myself and i really like doing it, however of course i dont have the money to afford to live away from my mums house, not only rent but electricity, gas, water, TV license, internet, food bills, telephone bills, council tax, its a lot of things to consider, which brings me to my next plus - free room and board - they put you up somewhere close to where you are volunteering and pay for the essentials (now how inclusive that is im not completely sure but the basis behind it is pretty solid), they give you a weekly allowance (which is more than the £0 i am getting at the moment) AND most importantly, i feel, i would actually be doing something that i felt was of some use to somebody, that made the slightest bit of difference to somebodies life and hopefully that i didnt have to struggle to get out of bed in the morning to convince myself to do everyday. I really cant stand the thought of living each day for a pay cheque, trundling off to work because thats what i have to do to survive, sure there is truth in the saying 'work to live dont live to work' but when so much of your life is spent at work are you really enjoying life if you dont enjoy your job?

Yesterday they phoned me and asked me to an interview on Tuesday, i dont think ive ever been excited about a potential job before, but im really excited about this opportunity, that seems like a good sign to me.

Ill keep y'all informed

2009-09-14T00:36:00.000-07:00

Still waitin'
How can it possible take this long to get back to me??

Whats new?

2009-08-31T08:13:00.000-07:00

Bank Holiday Monday, sitting in the garden, listening to Radio 1, wearing rose tinted sunglasses (which perhaps explains the outlook on life) and sipping lemonade.

Whats been happening here lately? you may be wondering? (or not? ... im going to continue writing either way though im affraid!) Well That my friend is a good question, what has been happening here lately? Lately i should probably define as the week that i have been in England for, because i think you are probably up to date on what has happened before that, even though my blogging was a little lacking my photography more than made up for it i believe and as a picture is equal to a thousand words (Very much Liams motto in his first dissertation, that went horribly wrong) i feel as though hundreds of thousands of words have been written on the topic of Australia and Singapore and hiking and camping and all that jazz.

England - weather = quite normal, bit of rain, couple of nice-ish days before the kids go back to school tomorrow.
Pretty much i've been job hunting for the past week - not an overly enjoyable task during this dreaded recession, basically there are no good jobs out there and all the ones i would like to apply for you need significantly more experience than i have (due to the dreaded R word i guess). I know a few people who have successfully found jobs woring for big pharmeutical companies (but most of said people worked in the industry during their 3rd year of uni and really wanted a job in the field, im affraid neither is the case for me, i really have no desire to work in a lab for a big faceless corporation .... i guess i would have taken up the opportunity to get my PhD if that was the case). So job hunting is a tad rubbish. However its not all bad news, it seems figuring out what you definately want to run away from doing does propell you slightly more in the direction of the things you actually would like to do. I have applied for the aaccelerated graduate level mental health nursing course, which starts at some point in September. I realise the 1st of September is tomorrow. Maybe i wont get it but sometimes you need to try just so that you're not wondering about what ifs forever. My thinking was this - i know im headed towards the medical field - i cant get into a graduate level medicine degree this year, so i have a year of potentially not doing a whole lot of worth, i cant find a good job so im left getting a rubbishy job and waiting - which seems a tad pointless, nursing is in the right direction and would give me valuable experience if nothing else, and im kinda wondering if this is the type of thing i would be more suited to anyway, im not affraid of hard work, im really not, and ..... the time this was offered to me and the way it fits into things and how it means i wouldnt have to take out anothr student loan or pay more tuition fees (or really have any living expenses) just makes it seem so right .... i mean obviously i havent even got into the course yet so i might be jumping the gun, but it does seem quite like an answer to a much asked question. Well, we'll see anyway, references have been written and referees have said how much they think i would be suited to the profession and my mum badgered me until i told her that i was applying too (i wanted to wait until i knew whether i was actually doing it first but oh well) so, i guess i should know for sure one way or the other soonish!

What else has been happening? The kitchen got refurbished whilst we were away (by Roberts and Co - my uncle and cousin) who did a marvellous job and as my other cousin is going to pick up all th rubbish that is currently in our front garden on tuesday we decided to chuck out a whole lot of rubbish to be taken too, which has meant a WHOLE lot of clearing, a WHOLE lot of pikey action of people taking rubbish off of our hands for us and subsequently a car boot sale carried out by Alice and I on Saturday at Kingsmead school, we sold a decent amount of stuff and it was a beautiful day for it, we took the rest of the stuff to charity shops, Oxfams book bank and the market stall in the town (an exhausting day). The only reason i mention this really was because of a reminder from God whilst i was there, there are a lot of cheap people who go to these types of things because they dont want to spend a lot of money on things (okay fair enough) but there are also a lot of poor people who cant afford to spend money on things for their children or books and such, we saw a lot of these people and Alice and i agreed that selling the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toy to a five year old refugee boy whose mother was 10p short of the 50p we were selling it for was a million times more statisfying than making any amount of money from a collector. The lady asked if she could have the toy for 40p as that was all she had and we agreed, the boy walked away playing with it (pretending it was fighting his little sister), which is what it was made for, i actually dont think ive ever seen a child quite so happy with a toy. You could give some children a hundred expensive presents for their birthday and they wouldnt be half as excited at this boy was with a 12 year old, second hand toy with previous combat dents and scuffs. It made me think.

We also had a ton of books for sale, most didnt get sold because the majority of the people didnt speak a whole lot of english and probably read even less. However we did sell two books in particular to a middle aged Hindu man (whose wife had just walked in the other direction - he told us he wouldnt have been able to buy the books if that hadnt have been the case), they were two of a collection of books Amy used to own and rejected once she moved away, books on finding Jesus in the modern world - one was called A purpose driven life, i think and the other was about the meaning of life and faith to Christians, what Jesus is all about. He was searching through the boxes for more. You have to wonder what God is going to do next with that man, perhaps he was curious, perhaps he actually wanted to know more about what he was up against, perhaps God had been speaking to him, either way a door has been opened and the possiblity of marvellous things happening is there, its the biggest cliff hanger ending you could read in any book. Pray for him.

The lowdown

2009-08-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little bit better about England than i was last night. Hoorah for that!
Lets do the low down on the trip shall we? The photos are going up onto Facebook as i type (as long as it doesnt fail again like it was doing before *shakes head in woeful manner*)
I forget where i was up to in the story, we went to Singapore, then to Sydney, met all of Ellens family (had many many meals out with them), went to Cairns / Palm cove, to the Great Barrier reef, swam with the sharks, fed a Kangaroo, ate a Kangaroo (not the same one ... would defeat the purpose of feeding it) went back to Sydney, rested a little (not much) went to Uluru (Ayers rock), Kata Tjuta (the Olgas), Simpsons gap, climbed many many mountainous ridges, gorges and canyons, learnt that the Grand Canyon is actually a gorge, climbed across a fallen tree and up through some rocks Indiana Jones style, slept under the stars in the Southern hemisphere, heard dingos calling the next night and decided to sleep in the tent, travelled back to Sydney, went to Bondi beach, decided i preferred Manly beach, made many many many hilarious jokes with Eliot over being in a place called 'Manly' along the lines of 'would you like to take a Manly tour Eliot' 'Why yes i would Soph but no asking for directions, thats not the Manly way!' .... ah Manly. Then we flew back to Singapore (8 hour flight, 2 hour time difference) for the night, landed at 9pm Singapore time, got to the hotel at 11pm Singapore time (1am Sydney time) got up at 5.30am singapore time to get back to the airport, transfer was late so checked in an hour before not the recommended 3 hours BUT luggage was the first off the plane. 13 hour flight to London Heathrow, remembered that i dislike Heathrow airport with a passion, another lane was in our bay (!!) and we had to circle a bit before being allowed to landed, so after landing the plane (i kid you not) circled the block trying to find another parking space, got through to boarder control and as ALWAYS the UK and EU line was SO long that it made me wonder if it would have been quicker to apply for US citizenship, get a greencard and a passport and go through the Non-EU passport line. Im actually not sure how that is possible, ever single boarder control i go through im in the longeest line, Singapore - the Singaporeans were walking straight through and we had to queue for ages, Oz, the Aussies had like one person in front of them, America, HUGE queue for non nationals, 10 people for US passports, i watch them, the system is pretty much "Ah Mr Bush, US citizen i can tell by your Tshirt, Welcome home Sir" Whereas a Brit trying to get back into our country is tested by how long they are prepared to queue for "Miss Pinwill, well you queued successfully for 2 hours without cutting in line and stayed adament that switching queues for be a mistake in the long run, whilst performing the manditory moaning, you are definately British, the tea is to your right"
*sigh*
Have not slept for 2 days am now jet lagged (im awake at 5am)
and i most desperately need a job

Back

2009-08-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

Well i'm back in England, and man am i depressed! England well and truly sucks
It may be the jet lag talking, but probably not, lets see how i feel in the morning

Not lost in Alice Springs

2009-08-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

Back from the desert! Longer post when i get back from Oz!

Singapore and Oz!!

2009-08-02T23:22:00.000-07:00

Okay!! i owe everybody a long blog! Actually i doubt anyone is still reading this ... maybe i will have to notify everybody on facebook first .....
ANYWAY! Whats new? well annoyingly i had some wonderful ideas for various blogging subjects whilst i was in various countries and unfortunately didnt have computer/internet access at the time, isnt that always the way??
So this one may be a tad rubbish but hopefully it will be kinda informative (and i plan to put some photos up on facebook as soon as i remember to bring my camera with me when i use the internet! - there are lots that need to go up it seems)
So whats been happening? (I realise i already said that once ...)
Well! We flew to Singapore about ... a week and a half ago, where we stayed for a few days as a stop over - Singapore is AWESOME!! i highly recommend it to anyone who is looking for a place to visit, it turns out strangely that i think i like the concept of Singapore more than i like Australia really, the island itself is SO beautiful, and the people really are lovely, really polite and friendly but not in that overly friendly way ... maybe its a commonwealth influence type thing, they were British-ish whilst still being Oriental-ish .... i cant really explain it, you may have to visit yourself, but it was truely wonderful, we toured round the different parts of the main city, Little India, China town, the Government district and the Malay area, i'd learn a lot of info about the country on the plane, social customs, taboos, a little bit of Malay (Mandarin, Malay, Tamil and of course English are their main languages due to the percentages of different nationalities inhabiting the country) we also saw Raffles, the hotel, if you know anything about Singapores history i guess you will understand the significance of visiting here.

Anyway perhaps i am waffling about Singapore now, after all we were only there a couple of days (we will be back there for a day on our way back to England in a months time)

Now we are in Australia (the 8 hour flight wasnt quite as painful as the 11 (?) hour one to Singapore, we got to Sydney at about 6am, having not slept on the horribly uncomfortable plane (Singapore airlines is definately the best airline to fly with though, absolutely wonderful compared to others i have flown with). We finally got to see Grandad!!!! yay!!! Hilarious as always. We were staying at there house for a few days (went to see Sydney - the Opera house, the bridge, all those Sydneyish things) and then also went up to the blue mountains (Awesome, totally mindblowing, the pictures i took really just dont describe it in the slightest), and for the past couple of days we have been in Cairns, we flew up here on Saturday, yesterday (Sunday) we went to the Great Barrier reef (we are staying in Palm Cove and drove up to Port Douglas), we took the boat out to the reef, (yes, i was sea sick .... gross, very gross, almost made it as well, 3 minutes from the platform and bleurgh ... oh well, felt better after that though) we changed into our lycra wetsuits, donned our life jackets, fins, masks and snorkels and were in the water surrounded by fish bigger than my torso (which sneakly kept knocking me over - at first i thought it was Eliot but it turned out it was a double attack by these crafty fish), Alice took some photos underwater which i hope will turn out okay (with a waterproof camera of course) and there are some fantastic ones of us in wetsuits .... Looking at the reef (in very choppy waters by the way) was so so COOL, they are so colourful its crazy, you are mile and miles out in the ocean jumping into the water looking at these amazing reefs with brightly coloured fish swimming around you, possibly the most amazing experience i have even witnessed, totally exhausting (note to self - swimming against the current - impossible!) and i wasnt sick on the hour long (35 knots wind) journey back to shore. Today i am hanging by the beach, searching for crabs in the rocks and avoiding the Crocs (there was a big warning sign - hee hee!) and of course writting this!! (oh Eliot and i ate Kangaroo, Emu, Barramundi and Crocodile steaks for dinner the other day ....)

Well i guess thats a lot of updating there so i might end at this point!
Check out my facebook profile for some pictures at some point!!

Australia!

2009-07-23T00:34:00.000-07:00

Took Hilary to the airport yesterday (i was still in my jammies, it was very early) and then spent the rest of the day doing laundry (some how i ended up doing everybodies laundry .....) and cleaning up the camping stuff. Im off to the dentists in a few minutes (need to stay on the NHS register) and then need to do some random things like picking up my contact lenses from the opticians, getting some Singapore and Australian dollars, phoning the water board and such - fun times!
But on a more positive note - im off to Australia on Saturday!!!! yay!! Okay i have absolutely no money left to actually do anything whilst im over there, because, well, hilary made us go to like 5 different countries whilst she was here, but oh well.

Hilarys Visit

2009-07-11T00:39:00.000-07:00

Well, after ten years away Hilary is finally back in England, and what a crazy trip we have planned, im sure i will be completely exhausted by the time she leaves, but then i get to rest in Australia for a month so im good with it!!

Today we are heading back to Hampton Court for the flower show, (this will be my third time this year - i should have gotten a season ticket)
Tomorrow will be off to the Isle of Wight via Brighton (apparently its the Folk Festival this weekend)
Then Monday we head out on our trip, to Bath then to Wales (Swansea-ish area) were we are camping for the night
Tuesday will be from South Wales up to Holyhead (thats still in Wales incase you didnt know)Camping there for the night
Wednesday we get the morning ferry to Dublin (Republic of Ireland) and make our way up to Belfast were we have a hotel waiting for us (camping in Wales can be a smelly experience, i know)
Then Thursday after hanging out in Ireland for the day we get the evening ferry to Scotland (Stranraer) where we are camping that night
Friday will be driving the 2 or 3 hours to Edinburgh and hanging out there and camping the night
Saturday we are heading back into England to the Peak district and staying at a Premier inn (Again i figure it will be luxury compared to camping?)
Before heading back to Enfield on Sunday (Hopefully in time for evening church)
Monday we are hoping Kayleigh is free so we can all day trip to France (its been a long time coming!)
and then the last Tuesday will be seeing the sites in London and (hopefully) seeing a play at the Globe (no we're not going to buy a cushion were gonna stand in the peasants section like the commoners we are!

And then off to the airport on Wednesday at early'oclock!

Crazy days!!

Yay and boo

2009-07-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

Final exam results came in, i got a first!! Yay!
But Weston has gone home ... i miss him

21st June

2009-06-21T00:17:00.001-07:00

It has been quite a busy week, obviously Weston is finally in England (yay!!) and we have been doing a LOT of things (even though for a holiday i guess its been quite relaxed). All of the photos are up on facebook so you most probably have seen them all already. It feels quite strange having him here at last, maybe it was the anticipation? or that these two very separate worlds are less defined now? Im not really sure but it seems like a very definate marker point in ... life (?), Im not sure that that makes sense, just that this summer seems important and like a turning point a kind of 'things will never be like this again' moment (which is true because hopefully it will be the last summer where i dont have steady employment).
Ill keep you updated with any job updates and when the final exam results are posted.

Results are in ...

2009-06-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

Results are in! At last! What a horrible wait, my final module results are as follows

Project Dissertation - A1
Eukaryotic Molecular Biology - B2
Molecular Medicine and Biotechnology - B2
Clinical Immunology and Microbial Pathology - B3

That probably wont mean an awful lot to many people so Herts grading system works like this

A1,A2,A3 - These are all first class degree results (A1 is the best, then A2, then A3), they just show how high your first was

B1,B2,B3 - Are all 2:1 class results (again in order)

Then obviously C1,2,3, (being 2:2 results) D1,2,3 (being 3rd class results) E1,2,3,4 (being you just scrapped through / a referred / compensated pass) then F1E,B,C,2,3,DFC,DFB,DFE ( ..... various fails)

For any Americans reading a first is blooming fantastic

So im not so sure what my overal degree classification becomes because it seems the system changed this year and no one seems very sure what that means now, but Karen and i were trying to work it out, it seems that if they go on the old system i will have got a 2:1 (which i am over the moon with) (because my level 3 results average out higher than my level 2 results so the average of the third year results are taken and that is your grade so A1 = 1 point, B2 = 5 points, B3 = 6 points, so 17 ... divided by 4 = which i make 4.25 which is just outside of the 1 to 3.5/4.0 boundary for a first, so its a high 2:1) but if they work it out on the new system (we arent sure on the specifics though so we dont know if we are working this out correctly) which we seem to remember (although it doesnt seem to be in the student handbook) being that you can swap your worst grade for a better one you recieved (of equal credit point value) at level 2 (whether this is irrelevant for me because of the whole average being higher thing im not too sure) in which case i could swap the B3 for an A3 for example (A1 = 1, A3 = 3, B2 = 5, which i make 14, divided by 4 which i make 3.5 - just inside the first class boundary where you dont need the majority of A's to be taken into consideration). So we are a little stumped at the moment, i guess im one of the annoying cases for the university, i seem to remember them telling us that both systems would be used solely this year due to half the class graduating last year if they didnt go on a placement year,
Either way we will find out sometime this week it seems, so thats cool, it makes me wonder though, if this does work out in my favour how annoying it would have been if i hadnt gone to Kansas last year .... strange how things work out

Done!

2009-05-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

Long time no post i know, but exams are done with!! yay! im not sure that they all went especially fantastically but thats the best i could have done, so im okay with it.
Now to wait until the results come through, and then for Weston to come visit! and then Hilary to come stay! and then off to Aus! and then ..... well .... graduation hopefully, after that i dont have the foggiest

Double Urgh!

2009-04-21T03:21:00.001-07:00

Okay ive found something that sucks more than revision,
revision on a sunny day .....
It seems unlikely that such a thing would happen in England, but it has! BBC weather actually says 'sunny' ..... im not sure that ive seen that symbol before, ive seen the sun with clouds over it symbol and im very familar with rain but sun and clear blue skies? thats unusual, and if this is what global warming has lead us to them im totally okay with that!! Its 20C outside (thats 68F) which is unusually hot for us! Ive taken to wearing a sleeveless top. Yet tragedy of tragedies im in the LRC in front of a computer missing it all because i need to revise - so annoying.

Urgh!

2009-04-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Urgh!!! Revision sucks, it really does, like Liam very rightly said "it would be okay if we were actually interested in the material still", Ive already read the interesting parts, now im just rereading to focus on the details like what specific transcription factors move to cause this signalling pathway to cause something to happen which causes other ligands to be secreted which interact with hedgehog receptors which causes transcription of the wingless protein .... its really not interesting anymore. The weather is grey .... thats the only way to describe it .... not quite fog, no rain so far, definately no sun .... but its grey ... very grey and the cleaning lady is talking to herself, i dont know what she is saying but it sounds quite sinister .... yes im procrastinating .... autoimmune diseases are needlessly complex .... i was lulled in by the name 'horror autotoxicus' Damn it Paul Ehrlich! You get me every time! *shakes fist*
Okay okay less procrastination, the solution to this is quite clearly the worlds smallest and most expensive bottle of lucozade that i just brought from the canteen, which will, advertising tell me, 'give me the physical edge' .... i miss proplus .....

Ravi Zacharias

2009-04-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

So i was listening to the Ravi Zacharias DVD, from the K-state lecture that he gave - courtesy of Weston, last night - wow that brought up so many questions and ideas. The thing that surprises me most about it was that i understood it and the thing that surprised me most after that was that he brought up one of my thoughts that id blogged about a while ago - apparently im on the same wave length as some 19th century philosopher, which is pretty darn cool. I had to keep stopping and starting it though, its kinda hard going - im not sure that i would have taken it all in if i had actually been there, and im not always sure that he finishes a thought, like he'll start talking about something else and somehow avoid the question ...
But blooming thought provoking lecture though!

What now?

2009-04-05T02:38:00.000-07:00

Dissertations in, celebratory barbeque is finished, nothing until exams in a months time .... what now?

Genetics

2009-03-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

I just had an interesting thought,
Im revising for my viva, and realised, the mechanism of gram staining really doesnt interest me, Liam often says "im a microbiologist, anything with a nucleus doesnt interest me", well im a geneticist i like things to be even smaller than that, i like things at the DNA level, at a maximum at the protein level. Why you might well ask? why be so interested in something so small? Im a geneticist because i like to look at phenotypes (outcomes)and wonder, what made that happen? what caused that? Interestingly my answer to why im a philosopher is the same - why do i like philosophy?? because i like to look at things and wonder, what made that happen? what caused that? The two are surprisingly intertwinned.

Knock Knock "Whos there??" "God!" "not now God im kinda busy"

2009-03-08T03:40:00.000-07:00

Are we sometimes too busy that we miss God at work? Life is busy, we're constantly doing something, meeting deadlines, preparing for the future, working working working, and when thats all finished we just want to lie down and zone out. Yesterday i was getting ready to head back to the LRC (im going to start getting my post redirected there), and Liam woke up and came downstairs to the kitchen for a chat and about 5 minutes later Alec walked through the door (i guess he had just gotten in from whereever he'd been the night before), i guess i should have thought this was strange in itself because those guys are never up and about before 4pm on a saturday. Anyway i was eating my breakfast and we were watching the Jehovahs witnesses systematically knock on every door across the street (no one answered - although we could see they were home), this lead to a discussion on faith (Liam was planning to open the door to them wearing a towel, clutching a open bottle of wine, hug Alec and invite them in for the orgy ....) Well heres the thing, i was busy, i have a lot of work to do, as i was putting my coat on Alec said something about the Bible contradicting itself, which bits were you supposed to follow? Liam answered that the New Testament superseeds anything before it but that didnt seem quite right, when i asked Alec why he thought the Bible contradicted itself (baring in mind i know his never actually read the Bible so i was interested in where he got his info from) he said about sacrifice, in the old testament they sacrifice things all the time, whats up with that? God had prepared me for that one, i told him about blood covering sins, but when Jesus came along and was sacrificed for all our sins, His blood cleans us so we dont need to sacrifice animals. This made him think, as i was tying my shoelaces he then said, yeah but really all gods are the same, well Jews and Muslims and stuff, thats the same god, because the old testament is all jews, so whats the deal, your worshipping the same god, again Liam agreed "ha yeah" (which i thought was strange because if you ask him about his faith he says Catholic ... yet doesnt believe any of the concepts, and apparently doesnt believe in God/is too embarrassed to admit infront of his friends that he does - its like people who have been brought up to call themselves something and feel the need to define themselves but dont actually have a connection to God, so really arent). This annoyed me because it seemed like Alec actually wanted to know and these faulty answers were being reaffirmed in him without having the opportunity to hear the Truth, or at least another side to the arguement. I asked him how the God of the Jews could be the same God of Christians if Christians believe that Christ is God, the trinity comprises the father, son and holy spirit, three parts of one, if you believe in one part but not the others then you arent believeing in the same God are you? He thought about it and agreed. As i was walking out of the door Alec said to Liam, those commandment things, there not in order of importance are they? coz that would mean murder is like way down there Liam chuckled and said nah its just an arbitary list, i was out the door by this point, and didnt get a chance to think about it again until i was lying in bed that night, i should have been less busy and taken the time to suggest that maybe they are in order of importance, the first four are about God, whether you have faith and respect for Him, thats got to be the most important thing, if you dont believe in God you're screwed from the start - its like saying "hey if you dont have this down stop reading this list and sort your life out before you move on" Number 5 is about respect too, if you cant respect your earthly parents how can you respect your heavenly one? 5-10 seem to me to be things that you dont need to know God to follow, so yes you should do them but they are less important because you dont need to know God, you can be forgiven for murder (after all didnt Moses murder a guy? but God still used him, his faith was more important than anything) but if you never believe that there is only one God and this is Him then youre kinda screwed. I didnt say that .... i was too busy, ive been praying for opportunities for these guys to build a relationship with God and when spring is finally here and i have the opportunity to sow seeds i dont take the time to do it, i was kicking myself, why didnt God point that out to me at the time?! Anyway the good thing is spring is more than a day long, i didnt anticipate the guys getting up until this evening so i wrote my point up on the board (with my bible opened up to the right page underneath) for them to pick apart at some point later on today. We'll see what happens

Awesome people reflect an Awesome God

2009-03-03T00:06:00.000-08:00

When you ask somebody a question do you have a set of answers you think they might give? Kinda like Who wants to be a millionaire, i do, it decides how i think of the person, this is what i would like them to say, this is what they probably will say. The greatest people i always get wrong, i always underestimate them even if i readjust for how great they are, they always go above and beyond my hopes, these are the people i want to be surrounded by daily, yet make me think "God i dont deserve this - you know how crap i really am? right? .... you sure you have the right person?".

I hope he doesnt mind me using him as an example, but like Weston
Im struggling with my (very important) dissertation project, ive been given a programme that i have no idea how to work and am pretty stressed out about it, so i guess im just moaning

It goes something like this
"ARGH!!! why is this thing not working!! *contemplates throwing laptop out of the window*" (obviously this isnt word for word ... the general gist is there though)
My thought process on telling someone this is thus - im just moaning, i dont expect anyone to actually be able to help me, if it were me i would probably sympathise and suggest a couple of solutions

Hence my expected responses are these
"im sorry, why dont you ask your tutor tomorrow" (expected response - would make me think the person cares about me, but expected - not going above and beyond in any way shape or form)
"im sorry, that sucks" (standard response - obviously doesnt care a great deal but its not their problem, person is most probably a friend but not a close friend
"oh well, but lets talk about me" (negative response - dont feel very loved right now)

Obviously im not expecting these responses word for word but something along those lines, and most people fit in here. Which is why Weston always surprises me, i have my expected answers and then i have a backup 'really good' answer something like

"hmm how can i help?"

The kind of answer that would make me think - this person is awesome, but he doesnt even do that response, he always goes one better and i can never anticipate it, which is just wonderful. I think the actual response was

"Sure you can do it, lets work it out together" Followed by actually helping me and asking other people for help too, not being statisfied until something had been achieved, even though there was other (very important) things to be done. Basically going above and beyond what you could ever hope from a friend, and its always like that. I want to give that response, it makes me strive to be a better person.

You can never anticipate how God will help you, you have your standard 'this is what id do' response and you have a response that would be one better than that and one which would be one worse than that, but God wont do any of those, God will repsond in a way that is infinitely better ... because thats the definition of God.

Whats the downside of faith?

2009-03-02T00:17:00.000-08:00

But without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11:6 (KJV)

The other version says 'because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists'

I so often hear people say 'im not christian, but if there is a God i dont see why i shouldnt get into heaven, im a good person' I realise this verse is probably talking about faith of followers of Christ, trusting in God to provide and guide them but it moved me for a different reason. If you dont honestly believe God exists then how will you be eternally saved? Anyone that comes to Him MUST believe that He exists, will 'im a good person' hold up when you're standing infront of God, thinking 'oh crud i was wrong.'
The hilarious thing is if you dont fully trust and put all your faith in God then when you meet God you're screwed, however if ive been wrong about this all and my body will be eaten by worms when i die and nothing else will happen then .... id never know .... whats the downside to faith?
God makes my life infinitely better, why would you deny Him?!

Have a break, have a kitkat

2009-02-27T09:35:00.000-08:00

Can you 'take a break' from God?

This week has been tremendously busy, so was the week before, i think next week will be even worse. Theres hardly enough time to do all the stuff i need to do let alone anything else (you know the luxuries like .... eating .... sleeping etc etc). Im kinda falling behind in certain things id like to be doing, not really spending as much time as id like with God, because, well, when im finally done for the day im pooped! i just want to fall into bed and sleep, its really hard to pray and worship and study my bible, theres just not the time in the day. I was like two days behind on my bible study and found myself saying everynight "its okay ill make it up tomorrow, ill make time for it" But should i have to 'make time' for God? I want to put my full energy into it, not make a half hearted attempt (if you dont know me too well i put my whole heart into EVERYTHING i do, it might be a hinderance in some cases but its the only way i can do things) I felt like whats the point in doing this if im not going to do it properly? Im not doing justice to anyone. So i decided to take a break from God for the week. I didnt do the bible study, i didnt read my bible, i listened to regular music (the few times i had time to) instead of worship music, didnt go to church or house group, i still prayed .... because its kinda hard to go cold turkey on God.

I guess its a relationship thing, like Gods your other half and you've said, you need to be away from everything for a while until everything is sorted (but you dont really want to lose contact so you still phone each other), i always thought this is what would happen in the final year with Gareth, id have to totally ignore him for a few months so id have time to get things done, turns out i wouldnt need to. Anyway, i took a break from God, and i got some stuff done, not as much as id have liked but so is life. Funny thing is God didnt really leave me. So maybe i didnt listen to any worship music, but why was i humming it all day long? and why would i wake up with it in my head like it had been in my dream? Okay i wasnt reading my bible daily but bible verses would be everywhere i looked, and not places id put them, strange places that id not noticed before. I wasnt discussing God at Church or with other christians but about 5 times Alec brought up God and we all talked about God, Jesus and the Holy spirit for an hour while i was cooking / eating dinner.

Jon was bugging me one night whilst i was doing yet more multiple alignments whether i was going to go to church the next day and condemning me for thinking about not going (sorry did that sound spiteful?) Thing is i know what he meant and i probably would have said the same thing, but sometimes its not a choice, if i felt like God was telling me to throw my degree away and spend my time worshipping him and doing stuff for him then id be doing it, but i feel like his telling me to put my all into my degree, because im gonna need it in his bigger plan, or by doing it ... theres something bigger to it. Ill be glad when its over so i can get back into my routine.

Even tonight, friday night, my night off, im wondering if i should be doing some work, figuring out how to organise my results or something ....

On a plus note though i had a meeting with Ela earlier and she said i really should be doing my phd in september, she was very impressed with my research and was sure my report was going to be fantastic (no pressure or anything...), i think she thinks im better than i actually am, .... i just prayed over my research .... and it went well, because .... i asked for that to happen. Im hoping she isnt disappointed when ive finished my dissertation and it isnt at the standard shes now used to.
This is the kinda talk that makes my mum mad at me so im going to end there!
Thank you for reading!!

Feelin' rough

2009-02-24T01:27:00.000-08:00

Im feeling kinda rough, I guess i have a cold (sneezing, sore throat, constantly blowing my nose, really achey) id really like to be pumped up for the day ahead but its not really like that, im tired and getting out of bed this morning was a really big deal, i have two really important pieces of coursework to do (the essay/ term paper thing and my dissertation/thesis) some people have finished both, which is really disheartening, but i know its down to my own laziness that im not in the same boat, so i guess im just whining. It just takes up a lot of my time, thinking and energy, which id rather spend on other things, i know itll be over with eventually though .... sigh.

Freshers fairs, letting God do the talking and lack of sleep

2009-02-15T15:54:00.000-08:00

Its midnight, and i cant sleep because something has been on my mind all day, so im hoping that writting it down will allow me some much needed sleep.
The thing is this - what would happen if we got rid of seats in church?
Not one of lifes questions maybe, so why is it bugging me so much? Theres something about seats that restricts me, it makes things formal, when you sing you hide behind your chair and you dont really move because the rows of seating restrict you, nobody sits on the front row of seats because there is nothing between you and the preacher, theres not that safety barrier. Which made me think of how it would have been, when Jesus was alive and teaching, when he fed all those people with fish and bread and taught them stuff i take it it wasnt in some big hall or church or massive arena designed for the occassion, im thinking it was out in the open? So the people were probably sitting on the ground? At the feet of Jesus? ... So less restrictions, just the crowd around you to get in your way? Which lead me on to this,

why do we try to sell religion/our church to people at the freshers fair? surely this is a terrible way to go about things?
I wonder if this is the reason everyone avoids the christian section of the freshers fair tents - they all seem like religious nuts who are trying to sell you something. Which doesnt quite fit with my thinking. Heres how freshers fairs work - freshers (first years students - newbies) come looking to join something - they are lonely, they want to make friends - joining a club or society will lead them to people with similar interests, second / third year students go for the free stuff, they're most likely not lonely at all but they are extremely poor - hence wanting the free stuff, these people risk the dangerous tables with a quick in and out approach - nick a pen, duck and walk away, if someone collars you into talking to them they most likely give a false name and get away sharpish. Getting second or third years to be interested is less likely. However freshers are what reaching out to people is all about, they WANT new friends, but they dont want to feel like they are being forced to do something, or that you have an agenda, when the people selling them religion talk to them (as is my experience of 4 years of freshers fairs) they are old people who start condemning them/asking them if they are christians/ what they believe/why/take this Bible - take it!!! read and repent!, which is all quite overwhelming, Why dont we let Jesus shine through us, why dont we give up the agenda, if the person finds Christ - wonderful - if they start coming to my church - great, but im just as pleased if they start going to another church - its not mine vs yours, its not about that. Why dont we have a stall at the freshers fair with people there but dont feel the need to have free stuff (its not a selling point anyway - no one remembers who gave them free sweets and who didnt), Salvation is the greatest freebie anyone could recieve, why dont we have people manning the stall but have young people, people who go to the uni, who know what being a fresher is all about out in the mix of people, why dont they just start talking to people, without an agenda, just in the hope that they make a friend, im not saying they should hide that they are a christian - far from it, it should shine through you, but dont go in the hope of converting them, thats Gods work, go in the hope of helping a lonely person have a geniuhe friend, chat with them for a while, invite them out somewhere with a group of you, maybe God will reveal stuff to them through you, but barging into a situation demanding someones views on God, existence and the universe makes people put up barriers against it, starting to go to church is a lot easier to do if you have a friend who goes already taking you along, going by yourself (even if youve been to church before) is incredibly hard, everybody already knows each other, where do you fit in there? Why dont people go out and say "hey, is there anything i can pray with you about?" maybe because everyone would think you're a wierdo and mumble "no thanks" but who knows, have you given it a try?
Okay - bed!

Relying on God

2009-02-12T00:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was exhausting, i fell into bed at 11pm, i guess it was stress and worry induced exhaustion though more than actual extertion. Yesterday i had to give my seminar and in the evening i went to a house group with the people i met at church. Seminars arent really my thing, presenting information to molecular biology students and the head of Life sciences - blooming scary, its kinda crazy though because when i got there ... i just wasnt scared, im gonna put this down to a lot of prayer, somebody had to go first and i figured, lets get this over and done with, as nobody else wanted to, thats pretty much all i can remember though, there were questions at the end - most of which i could answer .... but its over now and thats quite a heavy load off of my back.

When i plan ahead i hardly ever worry about things that have got something else to worry about happening before that event, its like all my worry can only be directed at one thing. Vicky texted me on monday and invited me to their house group on wednesday evening, it sounded good but im pretty sure i would have made an excuse to get out of it if my seminar hadnt have been on wednesday morning - too much worry was being focused at the seminar and there just wasnt room for any worry about meeting new people or doing something unknown, of course the worry hit home once the seminar was done but it was too late by then also i did spend the afternoon resisting the tremendous urge to text her and say i couldnt go and it was a strong urge, and im glad it happened this way i met some awesome people, friendly and there was a kind of family atmosphere to it, people from different ages hanging out, praising God, i can see why people stay at this church.

I think worry tries to rule a large part of my life, i dont want it to but it tries. Its my thing that i need to rely on God for i guess. Like i could never really relate to people who have such a good relationship with God because they have to rely on Him to over come addictions or things like that because i dont have that problem, its quite easy for me to say "ill never drink again - im doing this for God!" when ive never struggled with that. I really do struggle with worry though, and its excruiatingly painful to do what God tells me to do sometimes, something that other people might find easy - talking to people, mentioning Jesus in front of your friends, doing pretty much anything brings a lot of stress and even though i know i really want to do it there is always this doubting voice telling me the things that could go wrong, even if i know its ridiculous. Worry has held me back from doing a lot of things that i would have loved to do, its a huge burden, when things get really bad i get panic attacks and my heart feels like its going to explode its beating so fast (which makes me worry more because my dad died of a heart attack). So i guess with things that you know you cant humanly do, you have to rely on God to do them on your behalf. I know the Holy spirit was with me through the seminar because its just not physically possible that i could have done that alone, i think certain people were surprised that i didnt have a panic attack in the middle of the talk, i would have been too if i hadnt had faith that God would get me through it, there was no way that He wouldnt, so what is there to worry about?
In the notes section of my powerpoint presentation for the title page i felt God telling me to write "Matthew 6:25-34" - no one sees that bit anyway and i figured it was to remind me to stop worrying and focus on Him (so i did - i didnt get a chance to read that message before i started though so i wondered what the point was) Jacqueline set up the laptop for me and put the presentation on the screen - i guess whilst we were figuring out how to use it the screens showed what came up on our screen because when i sat down Alec said to me "what does Matthew 6 mean?" and i said "its a passage from the bible that reminds me to stop worrying and focus on God" to which he said "oh". I had to pop home later because i realised i had left my Bible at home and i wanted to take it to the house group with me, it was downstairs in the living room, in a different place to where id left it, it made me wonder if God had been opening up an opportunity to draw somebody else to His word.

Church huh?

2009-02-08T05:41:00.000-08:00

This is going to sound quite dumb if you have read the blog post i did a couple of days ago but here goes. Today i went to church, lol, let me explain.
This week it snowed, and uni got closed on and off, Alec and I (and the rest of our class) have been dreading having a certain lecturer since the year began (we are only scheduled to have him for 3 lectures, which is more than enough), last week he called in sick (there was a cheer in the class when we were told), this week classes were cancelled (because of the snow). Now everyone knows these lectures will probably be rescheduled but it was a wonderful time. We were discussing our luck a couple of days ago and Alec (one of my housemates - VERY atheist, really nice guy) said "I really cant believe it, if the third lecture gets cancelled im going to go to church with you, thats enough to prove there is a God". Well im pretty sure he was joking but i told him id take him up on that offer (we'll see what monday brings). That night i started praying for my housemates salvation again, i really want them to know Christs love so badly. Yesterday i felt the most ridiculously strong desire to be at church, now there is a methodist church about half a mile from our house but going there didnt even cross my mind, i really wanted to go to this place i had heard about at the Freshers Fair - Kings Community Church, i tried to go there a couple of times before but i was fairly certain it didnt exist because i just couldnt find it (Hatfields not a huge place), but the need (i wanted to write 'desire' there but it was stronger than that) to go was so strong i had to try, so i timidly asked Liam if he knew where this road was, he reckoned he did and when i told him it was a church he agreed to go to the service with me today (which was pretty awesome in itself). So we did. To be honest with you i was pretty sure we werent going to get there, i didnt even bring my bible because i was so certain, there is ice everywhere and if that hadnt have stopped us well we only knew loosely where it was and i was kinda certain it didnt exist, but we tried anyway, because .... i needed to be there. And .... we found it! 5 minutes to spare, staring at us, a big school building with a big sign outside saying "Kings Community Church" (I wonder if that will make certain people laugh because i prayed for that sign). Well no stopping now, we went in (treading carefully - lots of ice), were greeted by a few people on the door (they looked slightly surprised - i guess because we were new faces) and then lots more (very friendly) people inside (Liam told me on the way home he felt pretty uncomfortable with it all, people being friendly, speaking to you, caring that you were there, the lively music, instruments that werent an organ, its probably a London thing - feeling the need to not talk to anyone and being freaked out when people come inside your comfort zone, but to me it really felt like home). It was awesome. Then we got to the end and the guest speaker was saying that he felt God was telling him to pray for certain people and he reeled off a few things (Im not usually comfortable with this kinda stuff, it feels like the whole psychic thing to me - say a really unspecific thing and wait for someone who has that problem, but suddenly this other guy stands up and says this thing that was really specific to me, it kinda took me aback, he was talking about a problem with your heart but its not really a physical problem its anxiety that you need to deal with, it was way more specific than that but you get the drift, well that kinda knocked my doubt a bit but there was still no way in hell i was getting up to be prayed for - i just dont do that kinda thing - the anxiety problem demonstrates that doesnt it?!!?) two people went up (its a very small church - the snow probably kept a few people at home) and then the guy said 'God needs you to make this step of faith, let people help you, his talking to you for a reason, he brought you here today for a reason', that freaked me out, i figured i better go, i still wasnt comfortable going up to the front though, but i looked around and the guy was at the back, so i went and spoke to him. Obviously by the end i was crying, its been an emotional day (along with that and a lady that was giving her testimony and a vision she'd had the night before). After we left (Liam needed to go food shopping) the most incredible home sickness hit me, and im still feeling it (the crazy thing is ive never felt home sickness really for my actual home - Enfield, ive felt like i missed my family a bit but not really homesick, when i got back to England in August i felt very homesick though, which was silly because i was actually at home, but this is worse than even that, i actually just want to sit here and cry all day - which isnt good because im in the LRC), im not really sure what to do. Im not really sure why i needed to go church this morning, whether it was that id stopped resisting God and trying to do my own thing and finally let Him guide me or what, if so why do i feel so sad now? and i really want to go back next week but i know how incredibly hard that is going to be, even more so because ill have to go on my own.

This was just a long waffle i know

2009/2010

2009-02-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

So last night i was thinking about the things i want to do when i graduate (obviously get a job wasnt on there)
This is what i came up with

Go to Australia, go scuba diving in the great barrier reef, travel to Ayers rock etc etc
Start going to the gym (regularly - like every day)
Get a job doing some sort of voluntary work
Start doing an evening class, not sure what in yet but in addition to this start learning a language properly, something unusual - not french, spanish or german
Learn judo (dont ask me why)
Go clay pigeon shooting (just once)
Start training for the marathon (seriously this time)
Do the St Johns award thing
Randomly go to Europe and travel without a plan, see where i end up
Im thinking i might need a job that pays me to complete some of these so - a job, something i enjoy doing, doesnt matter if its hard work
Complete that long list of books i want to read
Learn to play poker (im not sure why i feel the need to know it just bothers me that i dont know)
Formulate some sort of plan of what im going to do with the rest of my life (seems the most unlikely out of the whole list)
Im pretty sure there were more things than this but i cant remember what they were

Oh and finally making my short animation film .... might need some sort of camcorder with still shot frame mode for that though ...

"You don't know Much do you!"

2009-02-04T01:59:00.000-08:00

Lets get a little bit Socrates here, I know that i don't know, i realise how foolish i am when i claim to know about a subject. However this realisation pushes me to find out. When I "knew" there was no entity called God i had no reason to seek Him, to find out more, to find out if i was right, because i foolishly believed i knew. I realise im playing catch up in this whole thing, i didnt grow up in the church, in Brownies and Guides we Had to go to Church one sunday a month to carry a flag for some unknown reason and then sit through the most boring sermon ever, to sing hymns that sent most of us to sleep and be preached at by a vicar who must have been 105, we all tried to get out of going if we physically could. Amy dragged us all to sunday school for about a year, the people were lovely, and maybe i subconciously learnt something there but i was always very aware that these were all church kids, their parents were in church too, mine werent, they knew the bible stories, i knew Of them, the story of Joseph for example - i could have sung you every song from the musical but ask me who Goliath was and id be lost. I only read about Moses a couple of weeks ago, man that was not how the story had gone in my head, its actually really exciting to read the Bible because i really dont know what is going to happen next, most people have heard the spoilers even if they havent read it, but i havent! Of course im constantly stumbling over things i dont get, "why are you praising His name? wouldnt it make more sense to praise HIM?" So i have to study until i find out that for the Hebrews someones name illustrated who they were as a person and their presence, so it makes more sense. Theres a problem with being able to relate to the situation, most other books i can understand why people are doing certain things because they are like me, they live in a time such as mine, they have similar problems and the same things happen to them. I notice the same problems occuring in places in the Bible but i cant relate to the circumstance, "why are you offended that he didnt wash your feet? Nobody washed my feet when i walked into their house today".

Even the things i was fairly certain i knew, "i Know God wants me to go to Church when i get back to England, that i can be sure of" Now im not so sure of, i want to go to Church but i think God is teaching me to be reliant on Him first, not other people, this probably wont make sense because i cant really explain it because after all going to church is a good thing. Going to Church led me to know Christ afterall but it didnt lead me to seek Him, going to church on Sundays fulfilled my Bible quota for the week, i dont feel the need to read my Bible or pray all that much or try to build a relationship with God because the Pastor takes care of those things on my behalf. The opportunity hasnt arisen for me to attend a church here yet, so i am seeking God by myself and in doing that im building a stronger relationship with Him that wouldnt have happened otherwise. Im studying the Bible instead of just reading it, and the quiet time allows me to get answers from God that i never used to hear in the daytime because there was so much going on, taking an hour each morning to be with God really changes the rest of the day, things used to be so busy that the only time i could hear God was in my sleep, fantastically vivid dreams, but little sleep.

Alfie dancing

2009-02-01T09:00:00.001-08:00

Super penguin

2009-02-01T06:31:00.001-08:00

Superpenguin and his friend small-but-mighty mouse.

Follow me as i follow Jesus

2009-01-27T01:19:00.000-08:00

Apparently 90% of the love that is shown to you by people around you in your lifetime is when you are a baby. Isnt that sad? It kinda makes sense now why so many people are suffering from crippling depression, and imagine if you didnt know Gods love, you really would have nothing. Gods been teaching me about how i show Jesus to people, im not very good at talking to people about stuff anyway and people here are not very receptive to what is being said, in fact people dont care. However, people learn a limited amount through listening, we blot out things we dont want to hear, a child learns more through watching than what its parents tell it to do, its more about the way you tell him and the actions you carry through than the actual words. So follow me as i follow Jesus. Whether you want to be or not you are affected by the actions of the people around you, their ideas and morals become intergrated into your way of thinking, people expect me to act in a certain way because i follow Jesus, yet they also look back at how their expectations havent been fulfilled in the past, the stereotypes and the hurt which have helped to turn them against Him in the first place. Lots of damage has been done in the past which makes reaching out to people who have been exposed to the idea of God previously, but have been burnt much harder than if they were starting from scratch. When you wrong somebody, or act like a jerk, or do something horrible it will take seven experiences of you being exceptionally nice to them for your relationship to get back to where it was. Seven! and thats not even to make it better than before, its to get back to where you started, to get back to zero. It almost seems like getting mad at them wasnt worth it. Well when people know we are following Jesus this hurt is reflected back onto Him, even on people we dont know, if i wear a cross to university or if you wear your 'Jesus Rocks' tshirt and then we push in line or do something that isnt following Jesus, people will think that is what Jesus is like, because how are they supposed to know better? By wearing that cross i have said follow me as i follow Jesus, and why would they want to follow me if im acting like a jerk? Thats quite a lot of pressure, sure im only human but reason rarely comes into things when people are judging your actions, and if we take into this that that one time of you being horrible will take seven occassions when people are able to show Jesus to that person in a good light, IF that occasion ever comes up again (which it might not), you did a HUGE injustice to that person by risking their salvation just because you were having a bad day.
I'm not saying dont show anyone that you're a christian, far from it, tell everyone, shout it from the rooftops, but then follow through, FOLLOW Jesus, dont just say you will, people dont need your baggage as well as their own. If zero is the level at which people are open to the idea of Christ and someone is in the minus figures when you meet them, it might take a while for them to get back to zero, but no time at all to get into a bigger hole.

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Follow me as i follow Jesus

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